How To Lose Friends & Alienate People Page #4

was beneath you.

It is beneath me,

but things have changed.

What's changed?

I know everybody thinks I'm

a bit of an idiot.

And maybe I didn't have the

best start here, but...

I want...

I want...

I want to have sex with Sophie Maes,

before Maddox does.

You're loathsome, do you know that?

I know he's got a bit of a head start.

But I think I can win her back,

cause once I get my hooks into a girl,

She never gets free.

Like ringworm?

If you like.

Where you going?

Hey buddy, you big corporate

dick lick...

Hello, I'd like to apply for a

a Master Card, please.

Yeah.

Hon. Sidney Young.

Hon, H-O-N, it's short for honorable.

Yeah, it's a British title.

The Queen?

Yeah, I know the Queen.

She used to be in my

break-dancing posse.

She's a buddy more than anything.

F***!

Hello Cuba...

He likes you.

So, how does it feel to be a star?

No, no, it's so embarrassing,

Those pictures are everywhere now, and I

had no idea that dress was so see-through.

Plus everybody's talking like

it was some kind of stunt.

Such a cynical age, hmm?

Hello Sidney.

I was looking for my...

Lawrence is taking us to

lunch at Cipriani.

That's nice.

Can I leave Cuba here?

He doesn't like Italian food.

Of course you can,

he can stay in my office.

Sidney, fetch Cuba a bowl of water.

Well, of course.

That is a lovely ring.

Where is that from?

It was my mother's,

she gave it to me.

Oh, you sweetie.

It's very very...

So listen.

You've met Vincent Lepak,

haven't you Sidney?

Eh, yeah.

He has a new movie coming out soon.

And Lawrence is already

stretched as it is.

How would you like to

do the feature on him?

Yeah, I would actually.

Yes, very much.

Well, great.

Maybe we can get together

and discuss the angle.

Okay.

What do you mean, angle?

Well I need to know how

we're going to present Vincent,

Check the story and so on.

Are you saying you want copy approval?

Any stories written about

my clients need to be

in their best interest.

That's all.

If things work out with Vincent,

maybe we can talk about a follow-up

story on Sophie.

What do you think?

I'm sorry, I don't work that way.

Sidney, dear...

Think of it like this,

You write about one of my clients,

you are borrowing some of their starlight,

To help sell your magazine.

All I'm saying is "quid pro quo".

Starlight?

Hello Cuba...

Hello.

It's uncle Sidney, I've come to

see how you are, yes.

What's this?

Would you like a little play?

Fetch!

There you go.

That's it, that's it.

Well done.

You and me are going to

be pals, aren't we?

You're going to like me much much better

than that prick Maddox. Yes you are.

Ready?

Come on...

Sh*t...

That's my bag.

Yes, I was going to borrow

it for a second.

What are you talking about?

I'll bring it right back, I'm just..

Oh my!

It was an accident.

What did you do?

I was just trying to

make friends... and then...

Please don't tell her,

don't tell her.

Cuba!

F*** no.

What are you doing?

Alison!

Have you seen Cuba?

What?

Have you seen Sophie's dog?

No, no idea.

Well come and help us find him.

Don't worry.

Clay, you got a minute?

You find that rat yet?

No, not yet, probably just

got out of the building.

Congratulations on the

"Man of the Year" thing.

How was lunch?

I don't know.

A thousands dollars a plate

all I could taste was ass.

I'm kissing their ass,

they're kissing my ass.

I get this dream sometimes.

Someone's set fire to the building.

Heywood, Sharp's magazine,

the whole thing up in flames.

My analyst, he thinks it's

an anxiety dream.

I never let him know how happy

I am watching the f***er burn.

What do you want?

I want to write a story

about Vincent Lepak.

Not a puff piece, something funny, with

teeth, like Snipe would have done.

Everyone's treating him like some sort

of genius, and he's not, he's an idiot.

Look at this.

Why do I have a closet full of

blue f***ing shirts?

I don't know...

I don't know either.

This is an office, for god's sake.

Why do I even have a f***ing closet?

Do it.

F***, yeah!

Do it.

He's an annoying little prick.

We'll take him down.

This is your shot.

Thanks Clayton.

You're my little hit-man.

Yes, I am your little hit-man.

Go do it.

Okay!

You can call me "The Jackal".

Out!

Okay.

Mr Young.

Yes.

I'm Sophie Mae's assistant.

I'm afraid Sophie isn't

here right now.

Well, I know she's here.

I'm not a stalker.

I just know she's upset because...

She lost the dog.

She isn't here.

All right, well can you please just find

out if she got my presents?

Okay...

Did you send the flowers?

Flowers?

Yeah, cause she doesn't get enough

flowers, does she? I sent the fish.

You know, goldfish,

in a bowl.

Did she get 'em?

Yes, but they were dead.

All of 'em?

Yeah.

It was kind of shocking actually.

Were they dead when you sent them?

No!

Who sends people dead fish?

The Mafia.

Oh my god!

You're like a serial killer.

No, no, no, that wasn't me.

I laid him to rest.

Cuba.

I took him out to the eh...

I don't want to know.

You might want your bag back.

Stop.

Also just the whole, not telling thing,

just wanted to say I appreciate that...

because you didn't have to do it,

a lot of people wouldn't have done it.

Why didn't you?

You don't need my help to

screw up here Sidney.

The only thing you make are mistakes.

And stains.

Can I help you?

Just a couple of straws please.

Let me ask...

What is it with this book?

You're always writing in it.

Is it like a diary?

It's a novel I'm working on.

- Wow!

- Yeah, I know, I'm a walking clich.

No, it's all right,

it's very impressive.

And you're writing it by hand?

Yeah.

I don't know, it keeps it separate from

the magazine work, makes it seem special.

You're full of surprises, sister.

Ah, White Russian, been waiting

for your boyfriend?

Yeah, he'll be here soon.

What does he do this mystery guy?

Is he like a hack too, or...

Actually he's a poet.

Oooh is he?

What does he look like?

What?

Poets are not known for

being that good-looking,

'cause they're always in dark rooms,

and they look like Golum

He's very handsome, thank you.

Of course he is.

You know what I don't understand.

You're so desperate to get

a story in the magazine,

So why wouldn't you play

ball with Eleanor, write a puff piece?

I resent being bribed to gush

sycophantically by the star.

I choose to gush sycophantically.

Okay.

Anyway, Clayton's given me

a story so, I'm on my way.

That's good.

In a world where passion is

forbidden, and belief divine,

The love you've held for a man,

she gave to all mankind.

You've given yourself

to Christ my child.

How can it be wrong...?

I believe in love,

that is all we have.

And we must give it

wherever it is most needed.

Sometimes, before you can

find God,

You have to find the world.

Calcutta.

Stand up, Mother Teresa.

Sophie Maes is Mother Teresa in

"The Making of a Saint".

Anyway I got to shoo off,

I leave you in peace.

With your poet.

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