How To Lose Friends & Alienate People Page #5

Bye.

Bye.

I've still got the receipt so...

Which, makes it a half a page left,

Lawrence, any ideas?

Yes, Rachel Petkoff, fabulous

Sundance actress.

One of my all-time favorites.

Just made a movie called 5 Burros.

I think she's poised for a comeback.

And I think we should get

there first, do a piece

Sounds good.

Let's do it.

Okay, that's it people.

What?

Did you read my piece

on Vincent Lepak?

Yeah, that...

That's not gonna work.

Oh, and for those of you

who haven't heard.

Alison will be running the

"I Spy" section from now on,

As Laurence here is moving up in the

world, he's replacing Greg Roberts

as Deputy Editor.

Congratulations.

I'm Sorry.

Since when is Rachel one of

your favorite actresses?

You'd never f***ing heard of her.

That was my idea.

And so it was yes.

If you have any more good ideas don't

forget to bring them by my new office.

By the way.

There's been complaints about you

skulking by the water cooler.

Trying to talk to women,

that's inappropriate behaviour.

What?

You spend your life chatting

up the staff.

When I do it it's called

flirting,

When you do it, it's called

sexual harassment.

Consider this an official warning.

I will not tolerate

sexist behavior.

I know that wasn't Greg's

way of working.

But Greg isn't Deputy Editor any more.

I am.

And I,

Am making changes.

What?

Hi Lawrence. There's a lady

here that's been looking for you.

Can I help you?

Are you Lawrence Maddox

the new Deputy Editor?

Yes?

I'm here to congratulate you

on your promotion.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, you are?

I'm your present.

Laurence this is inappropriate

behavior, wouldn't you say?

This is wrong, I should record this.

F*** the misuse of company time.

- Stop.

- I'm not doing anything.

Hey Mrs. Harding

Oh my god,

So adorable.

This is Ingrid from the

fashion department.

You're getting so big.

Where's Mr Maddox now?

He moved to room 217,

and it's just over there.

Ok.

Bye.

Bye.

Girls, let's go see Mr. Maddox.

My God this is terrible.

There's a surprise.

Look at this.

What do you think?

Mrs. Harding?

Girls.

I got cock on my hand.

Get in.

I didn't know it was

"take our daughters to work" day.

I didn't know there was a

"take our daughters to work" day.

Shut up.

You know, when I told my wife...

I hired another Brit.

She was excited.

She still thinks you're all like

something out of "Pride and Prejudice".

But after what she just saw

in that room.

Now she thinks you're a

British person born in New Jersey.

Why did I hire you?

I don't know, why did you hire me?

I had an attack of nostalgia.

But it's passed.

Like gas.

What was wrong with my story?

What?

Why did you kill my

Vincent Lepak Story?

Sidney, it wasn't good enough.

Simple as that.

Wasn't good enough!

We don't do hatchet jobs here.

It wasn't a hatchet job.

Your opening quotation...

It's only too easy to catch

people's attention by...

Doing something worse than anyone

else has dared do it before.

Who you thinking of here,

Yourself or Vincent?

He is a talentless, pretentious little twat

who thinks that cinema began with Tarantino.

And somebody needed to say that.

You told me to do something with teeth.

I'm trying to run a f***ing

magazine here.

A free press is the last defense

against the tyranny of stupidity.

Save me the tin-pot philosophy.

It's not mine it's yours.

First issue of Snipe.

Would you grow the f*** up?

You are not Robin Hood.

You never were.

You b*tch about famous people for the

same reason I used to b*tch about them.

Because they got invited to the party.

And you didn't.

Well Sidney,

You're at the party now.

Quit your bitching and

do your f***ing job.

You're on your last life here,

do you understand that?

One more f***-up like today,

you're gone.

Wouldn't you have to run a decision

like that past Eleanor first?

Get out.

I can't believe you hired

Bob as a stripper.

I didn't hire him,

she did it as a favour.

I thought you wanted to

be a success here.

I do.

It wasn't me it was Clark.

Oh, your alias, right.

I don't think Clayton is going to

publish anything I write you know.

I've been on salary for

And I've written probably a 175 words.

I think dollar per word basis,

I am the highest paid writer

in the history of this magazine.

He's not going to renew my contract.

Well, what do you expect?

I mean, Vincent's one

of Eleanor's clients.

I told you they're untouchables.

I thought Clayton was different,

I really did.

The only thing I'm good at

is pissing people off.

And they won't even let me do that.

"My glory walks hand in hand with my doom".

It's "Troy".

Troy who?

"Troy" the movie.

Clayton only hired me so

I could be shunned.

Everybody hates me.

You're the only one who

would talk to me.

You cornered me.

I'm serious.

You're the only person who's been...

you know.

Most... abusive to me.

Excuse me for a sec.

Rachel, hey.

Hello again.

Hello.

Laurence is a wonderful writer, I really

felt like he got to the heart of me.

I'm sorry, have we...?

It's Sidney, Sidney Young, we met

at the pool-side benefit.

I saw 5 Burros the other day,

And I just wept.

No...

Like a baby.

Absolutely incredible.

I just thought it was the best

piece of work I've seen in...

Sophie darling.

We were just talking, did you know

that Lawrence published a book of poetry.

No.

Called "The Whole Heart", yeah,

really terrific.

You write poems?

In another life.

Cointreau?

And the White Russian.

Right here.

So Sidney.

What time does the stripper come on?

Shut up Maddox.

Where's your sense of humor

Sidney?

Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke.

Hi, Mrs. Harding.

Hi.

It's a lovely party.

Having fun.

Jesus!

Has anyone ever told you before

that you have an unusually dark aura?

Yes.

You should walk with bare feet

as much as possible.

Ground all that negative energy.

What are you, a wizard, what?

I'm a spiritual healer.

Oh, can you make a

living out of that?

God no.

I'm a dentist.

You want do some coke?

Oy! Orlando, you used to be English.

F***!

You OK?

What?

I said, are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You?

Yeah.

No, actually I'm not.

I hate my life, so you know

I'm going to get drunk.

Right, I'll see you then.

How could you?

What?

How could you and Maddox

have an affair.

For god's sake.

The man with hidden shallows.

Goddamit Maddox!

How can you live with yourself?

I couldn't.

That's why I've broken up with him.

You broke up with him?

Which leg did you hurt?

This one.

God... F***... God!

You know what?

There's something very

damaged about you.

Like an animal that's been

hit by a car or something.

Like a deer or like a pig,

maybe.

You walk all funny and the other

animals keep away from you.

Little limpy pig.

I'm Joan of sick animals.

That's why I picked Cuba.

Because he had like,

psychological problems.

Poor little Cuba.

Where is he now?

Feels I'm wasted.

I'm really wasted.

I slept it off.

Congratulations on becoming

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