How To Lose Friends & Alienate People Page #6

incredibly famous by the way.

Thanks.

What's that like?

Weird.

It's all happening so fast and it sort

of feels like it has nothing to do with me.

Kind of like I'm not

really even here.

You know what would be nice though?

Some coke.

It's probably just as well

I don't have any though.

Coke always makes me so horny.

I need the wizard dentist.

I need the wizard...

Not you...

The dentist wizard.

The wizard stroke dentist.

Ok, all right, you got it.

Thank you, thank you so much.

It's OK.

I will never, never,

never forget this.

It's OK, really.

What are you doing?

None of your business.

You can't drive like that OK.

Just sleep it of.

Just leave, you, you stupid a**hole

I hate you.

And secondly... secondly...

I hate you because you're a stupid a**hole.

If you drive in this condition

you're going to kill yourself OK?

Who cares if I did?

I hate my life.

I gotta go.

Just come here.

No, don't touch me.

I hate my car.

No give me the keys.

I gotta go home.

I thought I had it all figured out.

A, get the hell out of Port Huron,

come to New York

B, do the serious journalism to pay

the bills while I write the novel.

C, win the Pulitzer.

E,..

D!

D, I don't know what D was.

When I took the internship at Sharp's.

I met Maddox.

And then before you know it I'm writing

And pretending this is what

I wanted.

And this isn't what I wanted.

And that's why I hated you.

You hated me?

You were right, about me.

I'm a ghoul writing fluff.

You're not a ghoul, OK,

you're a zombie.

Am I afraid of a real relationship?

Do I think an affair is all I deserve?

I mean... ok, he's handsome

and successful and...

He's great in bed.

Oh, God be quiet!

Fine.

When I told him I couldn't

see him anymore.

I don't know if he cared.

I love him,

And I don't know if he cares.

I'm sure he does care.

Ok. He's probably not very

good at expressing his emotions.

Ok, let's just calm down, don't

get snot everywhere,

'cause it's a rental.

Oh, God!

What?

Oh! That's grim!

Alison, what's your address?

Alison I need to know your address.

How?

Not my stairs no.

Will you shut up?

You'll wake the old b*tch up.

Hi.

Did we wake you?

God, I'm a whore.

- I'm a whore

- Hello dad.

I love this song.

She's not actually a prostitute.

Oh, good.

So Sidney's dad.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm Alison.

Delighted to meet you.

I'm from Port Huron.

And you must be Sidney's mummy.

No, I'm not.

Oh, ok, I mean my dad remarried too,

so that's cool.

Do you have any cigarettes?

What is this?

Oh, hey, is this... ?

I think it's probably cocaine.

It wasn't actually for me.

It was going to give it

to this young actress.

So Mr. Sidney.

What you doing here?

Please call me Richard.

Well I've written a little book.

And I was doing some talks.

I'm writing a book.

What's yours about?

I write books on...

philosophy, ideas.

Oh my god.

Richard Young.

You're RC Young.

You never said your

dad was RC Young.

I brought you a copy of the book

I left it here.

What's he know about philosophy?

Well he does have a

Master's in the subject.

You're shitting me.

He likes "Con Air".

Oh, I don't feel very good.

Come on.

It's time you were in bed.

Ok.

You can sleep on the couch.

It was a pleasure to meet

you Lord Young.

You really should have said

you were coming.

That would have required you

answering one of my calls.

Well, I've been kind of busy.

Of course.

I picked up your magazine

at the airport.

Most enjoyable.

I particularly like the

young Hollywood actress,

Who said she would like to start

her theater career somewhere small.

Like London or England.

Why must you always do this?

It's just a little joke.

It's not a little joke, is it?

Basically you're saying

what I do is worthless.

I don't think it's worthless,

I just think you know in your heart that

you could be doing more with your life.

More?

Sharp's Magazine is one of the

most respected magazines in the world.

There's a million hacks that would

give anything to be where I am.

You know who I hung out

with just today?

Orlando Bloom.

I don't know who that is.

Of course you don't know who that is,

you don't know who anyone is.

You thought Brad Pitt was

a cave in Yorkshire.

Most people do know

who that is.

And most people wouldn't think a journalist

hanging out with celebrities like that

was a disappointment.

I don't think you're a disappointment.

I never thought that.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Things haven't been that

great actually, dad.

I don't know why,

I can't seem to get ahead.

If you're not happy...

No, I'm fine.

Really I can make it, I know it.

Einstein said...

try not to become a

man of success.

Rather become a man of

value.

The young lady in the bedroom there,

Alison, she wouldn't have anything to

do with your desire to stay on,

would she?

No.

We're just friends.

She says that New York women

don't go for losers.

I suppose not.

But Alison is from Port Huron

isn't she.

Hi.

Hi.

That's a good look for you.

I don't remember much from last

night but I'm so, so, sorry.

Oh my god, your father.

And that woman.

Oh, Mrs. Kowalski.

Don't worry about it.

The last woman she caught

me with had a penis, so...

You're a big step up.

Thanks.

Who's that?

That's my mother.

No way.

Is she a model?

Actress.

In movies?

Some, you know,

British, small parts.

And she still...

No. She died when I was

young.

Must be pretty cool having

your mum in movies.

Well I used to stare at

the TV from time to time

when I was growing up.

You know, just kind of weird.

Ok, a full English fry up.

Perfect hang-over cure.

Get your gob around that.

Not again.

Hi.

I was just...

rooting through your

personal possessions.

I like the opening.

You don't.

Yeah.

Got to read the rest of it. Believe it

or not I'm a pretty good editor.

I don't know, I don't even

know if I'll bother finishing it.

Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.

Is that Troy again?

It's Xilla.

I'm going to jump in the shower and then

I'm going to get out of your hair.

Well, wait 'cause I got you a present.

I was walking past this record

shop in the corner, and I saw it,

I thought it might...

cheer you up.

You said it was

your favourite film.

That is... I don't even know

what to say.

I don't have a turn-table.

Well you can always come

here and listen to it.

Are you kidding?

I can throw up on you again.

Come on.

Come on.

Come let me show you.

Hey Alice.

Versace? You like?

I'm good thanks.

You know honey, everybody needs to

change their look every now and then.

Especially when they have

a new man in their lives.

What?

What are you talking about?

Well the English guy is always

hanging around you these days right?.

Tell me it isn't so?

Of course not.

Thank god, can you imagine.

He's such a creep.

This is gorgeous, but

I'm just too fat.

Don't be crazy.

Alice.

Is Anna fat?

Not at all. Why, she's so thin that

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