How to Steal a Wife Page #2

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So when he was killed, one of the guys realized that

his old lady wouldn't be getting any more letters.

So he killed the guy who killed the writer.

And he got so pissed that he took a mouse

that someone else had been raising in a

jar filled with little pieces of paper.

And he petted it so hard that

he squeezed it to death.

And there went the mouse.

That's it.

The mouse died.

And the guy whose mouse it

was says "Where's my mouse?"

And the other guy sticks

out his tongue at him.

So that guy hits him over the head with

the jar and cuts his tongue in half.

So that guy's got blood gushing

from his mouth, you know?

So you've got to do something

so they don't see.

So they grabbed his head and stuck it in a

mattress so as not to pollute the environment.

So he could bleed into cotton, you know?

So when I came, that was the

mattress they gave me, get it?

So that was the mattress I slept on.

So I'd lie there and I could

hear blood clotting, you know?

Are you done?

I kept thinking that maybe... maybe

he wanted to tell me something?

And now I'm done.

So, Mr. PE, did you find that interesting?

Interesting, but I still don't

get where that jar came from.

Well it was a pickle jar.

Now look, storyteller.

I'll give it to you straight.

Valdas Bickus, you are not

going to live here. Got that?

Got it.

Laima?

Laima!

Laima!

What?

That's what.

What happened, Ramutis?

That happened.

- Good morning.

- Hi.

So?

I got up, go to the bathroom, get in

the shower, and I hear someone coming.

Well I thought it was you,

that you got up too...

and I pull open the curtain, look out, and

this guy is peeing and looking me over.

You were looking him over?

I was not looking him over.

I was peeing and he opened the shower

curtain and was looking at me.

OK, the light is on, the water is running, so

now you're going to go in the bathroom, right,

and go pee when you can see

somebody's already there?

- Did you knock?

- No.

Why didn't you knock?

Why didn't he lock the door?

Well, hello, so now I have to start

locking the door in my own home?

So fine, and if you're in the shower,

he's also going to come in to pee?

- OK, fine, and what if I had come in?

- So what? You're my wife.

- Ex.

- Ex!

OK, that's enough.

When you shower, you don't pee,

when you pee-you don't shower.

And we knock.

Have a nice day.

Ramutis, wait.

Come here.

Listen, let me take another look, huh?

Laima!!!

Come on, Mr. PE, I'm kidding.

What are you doing here?

Looking.

For what?

Well, for that... that

thing that disappeared.

I can't find it anywhere.

Have you seen it?

I looked there, I looked there, and now...

It disappeared somewhere.

You understand...

Give me your hand.

Ramutis, what are you looking for?

Well where that...

Ramutis.

I can't figure out where I put it...

I looked in the bedroom and...

Will you talk?

See... it's disappeared,

like into thin air.

Hey, Mr. PE, how much do you make

at that little school of yours?

- I'm the principal.

- OK, principal. How much do you make?

Well, I can't tell you,

it's a state secret.

Two grand?

I can't tell you.

Two and a half? Three?

What, three and a half?

3,600 before tax.

Wow, 3,600 before tax. Listen,

you make 3,600 before tax.

You pay 30% for social security tax, right?

Well yeah, I'm an honest

citizen, I pay taxes.

So listen, honest citizen, you

pay another 20% to the state.

You buy things, food, a refrigerator,

and you pay VAT, right?

Right.

So out of your three and a half, you

give away two thirds in taxes. Right?

So.

So right. And they...

They who?

Well the ones who make

hundreds of millions.

Well they pay two thirds in taxes too.

What, are they special?

Listen, honest citizen.

They pay a little over half a percent.

And they even don't pay-they

just take it and toss it.

So you know, taking another

300 million from them,

well I don't think that would

exactly be dishonest, right?

Now you listen, honest citizen,

why did you lie to Laimute that

you weren't looking me over?

I never lie to Laimute.

So you never lie to Laimute

but you lie to me?

Why?

Well then fine, so you lied to Laimute

that you weren't looking me over when I

clearly saw that you were looking me over.

I'm telling you that I don't lie.

I opened the curtain and

you were looking me over.

- Listen, Mr. PE, don't start, alright.

- I'm the principal.

OK, principal, don't start again.

I was not looking.

Swear to it.

Give me a break, like I'm

going to start taking oaths.

- I'm telling you, swear to it.

- Well how am I supposed to do that?

Like in parliament. Like always.

I, Valdas Bickus, solemnly swear

that at 6:
00 this morning,

when I was in the bathroom

heeding to nature's call,

I saw two eyes twinkling to my left.

Then my gaze lowered to a muscular chest.

And then, realizing what I would

see next, I turned my gaze aside.

And I saw nothing more, I swear.

- Swear up and down.

- Side to side isn't enough?

Swear up and down.

What, everyone swears up

and down in parliament?

They do.

I don't get it. Ramutis, why

don't you believe me, huh?

We live together, we

have to stick together.

And I really want to be your

friend, I want to help you.

I don't need your help.

Fine, you don't need it. But I need yours.

If you help me, it won't be unreciprocated.

So you... you have that money?

For me.

300 million?

About.

Put 'em on the table.

Then he right out...

Yeah but how much did

you say, 300 million...

About.

Come on, Ramutis, you

believe all that crap.

What crap, that money couldn't have just

disappeared, so that means it does exist somewhere.

Well but whatever they

tell you, you believe it.

So how can I not, I mean, where it that

money, it couldn't have just disappeared.

Hello. Speaking. Yes.

What happened?

No, I... I have three classes tomorrow, but

I'll ask Lebedninkaite to substitute for me.

Yes. No, no, none... OK.

What's it on?

I see, OK.

Have a nice... Yes. Yeah. Goodbye.

Who was that?

Wow. That was from the Ministry.

- They're sending me on a business trip.

- When?

Tomorrow.

Why so suddenly?

I didn't really understand, somebody got sick or

something, so basically there's one free spot.

So who's going to substitute for you?

I'll call Lebedninkaite.

I'll give her three classes.

Well if you're going, you're going.

Where?

To Klaipeda.

Klaipeda. Mm? Both. For how long?

Four days. I'll be back Monday evening.

That one, that one.

What... what are you doing?

What do mean what? I'm packing for you.

Why?

Well because you're leaving, Ramutis.

Oh... and why aren't you stopping me?

Well how am I supposed to stop you?

Ramutis, it's too bad you're leaving.

Ramutis, it's too bad you're leaving.

- Don't make fun of me.

- I'm not.

This one or this one?

For God's sake, pack me a globe, too.

I'm kidding.

She's kidding.

Every time they send me on a business trip

you mope around like it's the

end of the world, but now...

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