Human Nature Page #6

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LOG HOUSE - DAY

Lila lies in bed tapping on a lap top. A dog lies with her

and licks her knee. She seems to enjoy it, and gets lost in

a reverie. The dog morphs into a handsome man, kissing her

knee and working his way up her thigh and under her nightgown.

Lila is getting seriously hot and bothered. Her head lolls.

But the reverie dissipates and the man turns back into a dog

rooting around her crotch with his cold nose. She pushes him

away. The dejected dog gets off the bed.

LILA (V.O.)

By the time I was thirty I was very,

very horny.

Lila gets out of bed and studies herself in the mirror. She

brushes her hands against her hairy body.

LILA:

I had to have a man in my... life.

At any cost. I would become what I

needed to become to achieve this. I

would become a hairless lie.

The mirror image of Lila shimmers and turns into Lila with

no body hair. Lila all made-up and with a smart new hairstyle.

She assumes a coquettish pose and smiles cutely at herself.

LILA:

I was rich enough for electrolysis

by this time, so I began the long

arduous process of having each

inappropriate hair burned out of my

body at the root.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Lila talks. One of the cops is doodling. One is picking wax

from his ear with a pencil. One is reading a paperback novel

under the table.

LILA:

This is when everything changed, and

this is where my confession really

begins.

The cops look up.

CUT TO:

INT. ELECTROLOGIST'S OFFICE - DAY

Lila lies shirtless on a table while Rose, her fifty year

old electrologist, works on her back.

ROSE:

Progress!

LILA:

Ouch. Yeah?

ROSE:

Oh yes, honey. Getting to be smooth

smooth smooth all over. Smooth as a

baby's butt.

LILA:

I love it, Rose. I'm getting to be a

real girl.

ROSE:

You still in the market for a real

boy?

LILA:

Always. Ow.

ROSE:

(beat)

Cause there's this guy. My brother

knows him. Might be right up your

alley.

LILA:

Tell me. I could use someone up my

alley.

ROSE:

(playing dumb)

I don't get that. Is that sexual?

LILA:

Shut up and tell me.

ROSE:

Handsome, thirties, psychologist...

LILA:

Loves animals? Ouch. Must love

animals, Rose.

ROSE:

Loves animals. Loves you.

LILA:

What do you mean?

ROSE:

Somehow it came up that you were a

friend of mine. Mr. handsome, animal-

loving psychologist said he would

love to meet you.

LILA:

Holy sh*t. Your brother didn't tell

him about the nature of our

relationship, did he?

ROSE:

My brother is discreet.

LILA:

(rubbing her hand

over her jaw)

Won't he be able to tell?

ROSE:

My brother says the guy's a thirty-

five year old virgin, so maybe he

won't know how women usually feel.

Plus he's got bad eyesight, almost

legally blind, which is helpful in

this situation. Plus he's got an

extremely small penis, of which he

is "mortifyingly ashamed", so chances

are he'll be so grateful for any non-

judgmental attention, that he'll be

yours forever.

LILA:

God, he must be really close to your

brother to tell him such personal

stuff.

ROSE:

Yeah, well my brother is his shrink.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

It's a chi-chi place. Lila sits at a table with Nathan,

fastidious in dress and manner. There is an awkward firstdate

silence. She sneaks a glance at his crotch. Then:

NATHAN:

Meditations on a Banana Slug was a

delightful read.

LILA:

Thank you so much. I love slugs. All

slugs, not just banana slugs.

NATHAN:

As do I.

LILA:

They're so even keel. They forge

ahead with slow determination. They

don't get distracted or side-tracked.

They don't care what they look like.

They don't care that people look at

them and go, "Ewww. A slug."

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