Humoresque Page #5

And you got the violin.

I'm not with the New York Yankees.

Obviously.

- In the stripe.

- In the stripe.

Thank you, Mr. Boray.

- Well, what do you think?

- Good. Excellent in many ways.

Then you forgive me?

Forgiving you, Helen, is like

an old and not unpleasant habit.

I knew you wouldn't come if

I told you to listen to a recital.

I think symphony conductors

develop selective ears.

They can be very deaf on occasion.

- Where did you study?

- At the National Institute.

- With Rozner?

- Yes, sir.

- Where can I reach you?

- Through Bauer.

Bauer. You're in good hands.

Phone my secretary someday.

I'd like to talk to you.

- I will.

- Thanks again, Mr. Boray.

Goodbye, Mr. Jeffers.

If the orchestra's hard up for funds,

I'd be glad to help.

Thanks again for coming.

Give my love to Lisa.

I don't think he knew

we were gonna play.

He didn't seem to mind.

He left the first chance he got.

Mr. Hagerstrom, mind

dropping me off downtown?

I have to report to my parole board

every two weeks.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye, Helen.

Why are you angry?

Didn't Hagerstrom know

I was coming here to play?

No, not quite.

You might've told me that.

- I took it for granted you'd want to play.

- I wanted to. I respect him.

- But that's not the point.

- What is the point?

The way you did it.

Without him knowing.

Look, it was for your sake I asked

him up here. I don't play the violin.

The patroness of the arts. What am I?

A substitute for this year's

trip to Sun Valley?

Think it's pleasant

to be patronized by a woman?

Doesn't it occur to you

to be grateful?

Sure. I'm grateful

for the debut, for Bauer.

I'm grateful for the chance to play

for Hagerstrom. That's the list so far.

- I'm in your debt.

- I don't recall having mentioned it.

Didn't do this for me. Did it for yourself.

The way you buy a racehorse

or a yacht or collect paintings.

You just added a violin player

to your possessions, that's all.

You're a mass of prejudices, aren't you?

So much thought

and so little feeling. You...

I'm in no mood to argue the point.

I'll settle for a drink.

- Why do you drink so much?

- Ask me no questions and...

As me no questions,

I'll tell you no lies. Remember that?

Sure.

I also remember, "Beware

of the Greeks bearing gifts."

Hello, darling.

- Paul.

- Victor, you're just in time.

- Paul was scolding me for my manners.

- Was he?

It seems I don't know the etiquette

of gratitude. Bourbon for you?

- Won't you have something?

- No.

They say people who drink

a lot are frustrated.

Or thirsty.

Or unhappy.

- Did you like Hagerstrom?

- Your wife was kind to introduce me.

You should've heard him.

He has original ideas.

He's been expanding on my

general uselessness. Soda?

- Please.

- He thinks I live a wasted life.

Oh, Sinbad and the mermaid.

What news of the guppies?

- Meet interesting salmon?

- You don't know what you're missing.

- The water was wonderful.

- The water knows where to find me.

I believe in progress and American

plumbing. When I need water...

...I take a shower.

- Wanna play catch?

- No.

Would you?

- No.

- You ungrateful people.

You invite me to the beach, drive me

out in style to the cool breezes.

Take me out of the nice, hot,

steaming city, and this is the thanks I get.

And what's more, I'm hungry.

This violent inertia gives me an appetite.

- You haven't been out of that chair.

- Every man has his own form of exercise.

This is your party.

You know your way around here.

Where's the food, or do we munch

seaweed to keep in the spirit?

- Sandwiches are inside if you want them.

- You mean, I have to walk inside?

Wonderful sea air.

Do you ever get confused with all these

spare mansions you have kicking around?

Beach house, town house,

country house.

Personally, I get confused in

a hotel room with an adjoining towel.

You get the feeling

that I'm not wanted here?

Why'd you run away?

I don't like to be mauled.

I was only trying to help you.

I don't need your help. I'm perfectly

capable of taking care of myself.

- I have a certain amount of pride too.

- Who says you haven't?

What are you afraid of, Helen?

I'm just careful.

- Of what?

- Of the world in general.

- That's pretty vague.

- It's a woman's privilege to be vague.

You want people to think

you're brittle and shallow.

The woman with a gay gag,

a wisecrack.

You're not really that, you know.

My friends will be delighted to hear it.

You're lonely.

You think you can fool me.

We're too alike. I know you too well.

You don't know me at all.

Why did you ask me out here today?

I was coming out anyway,

and I thought you might enjoy it.

That's not true.

I don't like insolence, even from guests.

Tell me, Mrs. Wright, does your husband

interfere with your marriage?

Why don't you play something?

I don't like to play the piano.

It makes me too attractive.

- Sandwich?

- No thanks. I'm on a liquid diet.

Drink?

No, I gotta get back for broadcast.

Clear head, nimble fingers.

- Just one?

- Broadcast.

I play background music

for a drama called Life's a Dream.

The girl's going blind. Her boyfriend just

discovered there's insanity in his family.

Mama's a widow with

a mortgage years overdue.

The brother's wanted by the cops.

Otherwise, their life

is one laugh after another.

I'm a man of fragments. Little here,

little there. Beach, broadcast.

Nothing complete in my life...

...if I had a life.

Now, where were we?

I'm tired of talk. I don't like brainy

people. They're usually very dull.

I prefer a touch of the brainless.

They're a happier breed.

You're making a big mistake.

You're brainless, you mean?

I can do anything a brainless

man can do, and I can do it better.

That sounds almost like a challenge.

- I'm all right. Leave me alone.

- But your shirt's torn.

Don't touch me.

I said, I'm all right.

Leave me alone, Paul.

What are you thinking?

Nothing.

Don't nibble on the grass.

It stains your teeth.

You might be sorry love

was ever invented, Paul.

I'm not a simple person.

I have my faults.

Who hasn't? I have a quota of them

tucked in my back pocket.

I don't keep mine hidden though.

I wear them like medals.

I'll take my chances.

Ever since I can remember,

I've been a law to myself.

People were stupid

enough to put up with it.

You never did.

- And you liked that?

- No, I hated it.

I was afraid of it. I still am.

Why?

It takes a great deal of courage

to look at ourselves as we really are.

I never wanted to.

So I drink.

That's the truth, pure and simple.

The truth is never simple.

I know that.

The truth is, I love you.

I can't fight you any longer, Paul.

Hello, Mom.

- There's some cold chicken in the icebox.

- This is plenty. Thanks.

Want some hot coffee?

This is fine.

Gina called. You had a date with her.

I'm sorry. I forgot.

- She's a nice girl.

- Yeah.

Maybe it's none of my business, Paul,

but I wasn't born yesterday.

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