Husbands and Wives Page #7

- It is totally provable!|- From gypsies?

Why wouldn't it have an influence|on our personalities?

You know who believes this?|My baby-sitter.

There is more crime|during the full moon.

Well, who knows?

It's like the|universe knows this stuff.

You guys just don't get|the fundamental basics...

You should meet my baby-sitter.|She doesn't know anyone in New York.

- She's been with me two months.|- Fabulous...

- My ex-wife believed in this.|- You should listen to her.

I'm just making a point.|Because the position...

...of the planets|is crucial to your life.

I can't stress this enough.|And your body...

- Be logical.|- But I'm totally logical.

I would not put a Sagittarius...

Sam, we gotta go. Come on.

- We're just getting started.|- It was good to see you.

- It's early!|- It's getting later. See you, guys.

- It was nice meeting you.|- Come on.

If you don't know what you're talking|about, why don't you not talk?

They don't know what|they're saying!

You feel obligated to talk.|How about listening?

- I listen!|- That's a novel idea for you.

You are so rude.|I can't believe you just did that!

- You're the expert.|- That's the most embarrassing...

Let's get out before|you make it any worse.

- This bullshit astrology. It's stupid.|- It's not stupid.

I'm sick of listening to your crap|about soybeans and Zen foods.

- Get in the car!|- Leave me alone. No.

- Who do you think you're talking to?|- You wanna embarrass me?

They're making intellectual talk,|and you're jerking off about tofu.

- Believe me, they're just stupid!|- Get in the car.

- I'm not going.|- You are.

- Help!|- Shut up, will you?

Shut your mouth! Are you crazy?

- I wanna embarrass you!|- Embarrass me?

- Are you coming?|- I hate you and your...

...stupid f***ing a**hole friends!

Get in.|Get in the car.

- Where's my bag?|- I don't know. It doesn't matter.

Here. Get in the car.

Goddamn, I must have been|out of my mind. You're crazy.

- You're too drunk to drive.|- Just shut up and let's go.

- Goddamn it!|- Look what you've done now! Just...

Let me out of here!|Let me out of here!

- Will you just stop?!|- I'm not stopping.

- Get in the car!|- You maniac!

Trying to be cute?

No!

- Get in the car!|- No!

- Oh, I don't believe this.|- No! Help!

What am I doing?|Get in the car, you infant!

Get in the f***ing car!

Christ!

You had an orgasm with Michael|and not with your husband?

I didn't. I was trying very hard.

- I was tense. I came close.|- What makes it so difficult for you?

My mind gets racing with thoughts.|You'd laugh.

- I get so mentally hyperactive.|- Like what?

I liked what Michael|was doing to me...

...and it felt different|from Jack. More gentle.

And... more exciting.

How different|Michael was from Jack.

How much deeper his|vision of life was.

And I thought...

...Michael was a hedgehog...

...and Jack was a fox.

And then I thought...

...Judy was a fox...

...and Gabe was a hedgehog.

And I thought about all|the people I knew...

...and which were hedgehogs...

...and which were foxes.

Al Simon, a friend,|was a hedgehog.

His wife, Jenny, was a hedgehog.

And Cindy Salkind was a fox.

And Lou Patrino was a hedgehog.

I had the impression that|at times...

...you weren't quite into it.

No. No!

I mean...

You know...

I told you the problems|I've had with Jack.

No!

It was wonderful.

I've hurt your feelings, right?

Don't get the wrong impression.|I loved it.

Me too.

I used to get excited|when we got married.

Somewhere along the line,|it slipped away.

It's okay.

What? That I'm not responsive?

We had a nice experience.

We had two separate, nice experiences.

- But they were nice.|- They were separate.

- No wonder your husband went crazy.|- Very funny.

Oh, come on, Sally.

- You hungry?|- He said, changing the subject.

Oh, stop it.

What was that?

- There's been some burglaries.|- Is the alarm on?

Well, call the police.

- Who are you?|- Who are you?

- Jack, my God!|- You changed the lock on my own house.

- Who's this?|- This is my husband.

- None of your business. Leave.|- I don't want to.

- Are you all right?|- Am I all right?

Is he living here?

- Don't get upset.|- Is he f***ing you?

- This is my house, pal.|- Let's not get ugly.

I can talk to him. Go upstairs.

- Where's he going?|- Please. I know.

- You going up to our bed?|- It's not our bed anymore.

Listen, you need some black coffee.|Then just go.

Listen, I want to come back.

- You're drunk.|- Oh, please. My life is such a mess.

This is not the place to discuss this.|Please go.

- This is my f***ing house.|- This is my f***ing house.

This is my house now.

- I want to start over again.|- That's not possible.

Sally, can I help?

- Oh, please.|- Would you get lost? What is this?

- This is ridiculous!|- I can handle this.

- I don't believe this.|- You don't have to. Go.

You... Listen.|God, I...

This was not all my fault.|It takes two of us...

- I didn't say it was all your fault.|- You're so hard to live with!

I would just break my back|all the time. See? Perfect.

What do you want me to say?

Our marriage was full of problems.|I know that.

Some were my fault, some were yours.

You lied to me, you cheated on me...

Why don't you run upstairs...?

- There's a stranger here.|- He knows.

He knows. Swell.|That's perfect too.

You show me one couple that|doesn't have problems.

It's tough.|Everybody has a tough time, you know?

- What about the one you lived with?|- That's total bullshit.

- Well, I've met someone I like.|- What? You what?

I met someone I like.

What about all the years|we had together?

Well...

...you had no problem wiping them out|when it suited you.

But l...|I didn't know what else to do.

No! No! I can't discuss this now.|Please! Go!

- You'll feel better tomorrow.|- I'm gonna feel like sh*t tomorrow.

Oh, sh*t.

Hi. I need to speak to Jack.

- You're gonna leave me out there?|- I told you...

I have never been treated|this way before!

- Perfect how you ruin a life.|- Then see a psychiatrist.

- I need to see a shrink, slimebag!|- Come on in.

This is about all of us.

- We don't have any secrets here.|- Bullshit.

- I never met a Scorpio who wasn't...|- Will you stop?!

I'm going to bed.|Get out. Both of you!

What's the big deal?

So I did some things wrong.|Does it have to be irreversible?

The heart raged,|grew melancholy and confused...

...and toward what end? To articulate|what nitwit strategy? Procreation?

It told him something.|How mind-boggling numbers of sperm...

...competed for a single egg,|not the other way around.

Men would make|love with any number of women...

...even total strangers,|while females were selective.

They were catering|to the demands of one small egg.

While males had millions of|frantic sperms screaming:

"Let us out, let us out!"

It was like personal ads.

Dozens of requirements followed by,|"Non-smokers only."

Feldman longed to meet an attractive|woman with this personality:

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