I, Madman

Evening, Dr. Kessler.

Front desk.

Yes, ma'am.

We'll certainly check it out.

-Right away.

-Problem, Lyle?

Miss Wells in 413.

She claims there are animal noises

coming from the room next door.

She thinks it might be a dog.

-She says it's keeping her awake.

-Are you going to check it out?

That's Dr. Kessler's room.

You know how he feels about people

going into his room when he's not in there.

He hasn't had--

The man is a weirdo, Lyle,

and a troublemaker.

And if he is keeping an animal,

he'll be out on the street before morning.

Damn!

Oh, God!

Good God!

It's a child!

Lyle, it's me.

Call the police.

Just do it.

Hello.

Richard?

Hi, I'm not here right now.

So after the beep, leave your name...

number, and a brief message

and I'll try and get back to you. Thanks.

Hello, Richard, it's me, Virginia.

I just thought, maybe, you'd like

to come over for a beer or something.

I thought maybe you'd be home, but....

I'll be up for a while.

So if you get home before...

you know, too late,

just give me a call. Okay?

And....

Who is it?

Police. Open up.

Richard. Come on up.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, why?

You sounded a little agitated on the phone.

No.

That was just my phone voice.

Can I get you a beer or something?

Yeah, I'd love a cold beer.

Then why don't you

just go sit in there and I'll go get it for you.

"Much of Madness, More of Sin"?

"Tortured and ridiculed

by the scientific establishment...

"for his investigations

into the creation of superior life forms...

"noted zoologist Dr. Alan Kessler...

"continues his experiments...

"in the cloaked secrecy

of his basement laboratory.

"Finally, after years of failure

and frustration...

"he manages to successfully mate

his own seed with an egg excised...

"from the ovaries of a jackal...

"and plants it in the womb

of an unwitting human surrogate."

A little light reading?

So, scared yourself again

and lured me over with a cold beer...

-so you wouldn't have to be alone?

-You caught me.

Honey, how can you read this crap?

I don't know. It's some thing....

It's like potato chips, I just can't stop.

Potato chips?

I don't know, this one was different.

It was really special.

-Very well written.

-I'll bet.

What happens?

-With what?

-The book.

How does it end?

The surrogate dies in delivery.

Dr. Kessler has to raise the creature

as his own son.

But it's an evil, wild thing.

And he can't control it.

I know the feeling.

One night, somebody...

lets the jackal boy escape.

And Dr. Kessler goes out looking for it,

and he hunts it down.

Corners it in an alley.

And he begs it to come home with him.

But it hates him.

It hates him for bringing it into this world.

It turns...

and it leaps, and screaming in agony....

I don't see what the problem is.

It's not like he asked you to marry him.

-Yeah, well....

-Excuse me.

We've only been seeing each other

for six weeks.

He already wants me to meet his parents

over Christmas.

Crimson Falls, Ohio.

I don't know,

sounds like a pre-proposal to me.

Pre-proposal?

Excuse me.

I think I'll take these.

All I know is,

if I had a guy like Richard on the line...

I'd reel him in.

Yeah, I can see you

in a muumuu and curlers...

scrambling up eggs for your husband.

You don't know it, but deep down

underneath this chic, cosmopolitan savvy...

beats the heart of a submissive hausfrau.

Richard's really special,

but I think I'll just take it slow.

All I'm saying is, if I had Mr. Right...

I'd be home packing my bags

for Crimson Falls.

You're sure not gonna meet him

putting in 14 hours a day at this dump.

Maybe not. But I'm more likely

to run into a gorgeous guy...

in a bookstore

than a smart guy in a singles bar.

Hi, Mona!

Hi.

Then again, I could just kill myself.

What the hell are you looking for?

I'm looking for this book called I, Madman.

I've been looking for it everywhere.

But I can't find it.

It's by this guy, his name is Malcolm Brand.

-That's charming.

-No, don't knock it, it's really good.

It's horrific. It makes Stephen King

read like Mother Goose...

but it's passionate.

It's sort of like Poe.

-I never heard of him.

-I hadn't either until yesterday.

He wrote two of them, this one,

and one called I, Madman...

which came in with the estate sale. Crap!

-Where are you going?

-Upstairs, to have another look.

You sure are spending a lot of time

trying to find something called I, Madman.

-You find it?

-No, I didn't.

Maybe somebody bought it.

Yeah, maybe.

No, his mouth is stopp'd;

Honest Iago hath ta'en order for't.

He is dead, my lord?

Had all his hairs been lives,

my great revenge...

had stomach for them all.

-Alas! He is betray'd, and I undone.

-Out, strumpet!

-Weep'st thou for him to my face?

-O, banish me, my lord, but kill me not!

-Sorry I'm late.

-You didn't miss much.

-Yeah, I can see that. Did he call us?

-No.

-Being done, there is no pause.

-But whilst I say one prayer!

It is too late.

I know about 20 people

who'd like to do that.

No, Collette's all right.

Any comments?

-No.

-Bravo!

Collette, Michael, very good work.

Our own Ms. Berkowitz is going to star

in a new made-for-television movie:

No More Yesterdays.

Congratulations.

You should have gotten that part,

you're absolutely perfect for it.

-Come on, Lenny.

-No, really. Perfect.

No.

-Collette's really talented and very beautiful.

-So are you.

I hate her.

How about dinner?

We'll talk about her behind her back.

No, I can't. I have plans with Richard.

Getting serious?

Maybe.

Okay, we'll take one more couple.

Kelly and Martin, please.

-All right!

-We're off the hook!

Look at this.

We're not going to get to do our Cyrano.

I bought a new nose and everything.

Hi, it's Rich. Something came up here.

I pulled a narcotics stakeout.

I'm going to have to pass on dinner.

I'll try and stop by afterwards,

but if it's late, I'll call.

I miss you and I love you, honey. Goodbye.

Oh, Mona!

Hello, Anna. It's been a long time.

Stay away from me.

But I fixed it, Anna.

What do you mean?

Look. A clean slate.

And a fresh palate.

Jesus!

What are you doing?

I was just...

making a fire, and...

I heard a noise.

Yeah, I knocked. Honey,

you've got to keep your front door locked.

Something on the stove?

Yes.

I was making some tea.

Great.

You okay?

Yeah. Why?

I don't know.

You just seemed to be

away there for a while.

I'm sorry.

How much do you love me?

On a scale of 1 to 10?

Enough to cut off your ear?

No.

Yes. I don't know.

What kind of an idiotic question is that?

It's just this book I'm reading.

This guy, he's a poet.

He's a doctor, really,

but he sort of dropped out.

Anyway, he's madly in love

with this actress named Anna Templer.

She won't have anything to do with him

because she thinks he's really ugly.

She just can't get past it.

So, he cuts off his ear?

It's totally hopeless.

He's desperate to please her.

Then one night, he's been drinking heavily.

You'd have to be more than just insane

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