I Declare War Page #2

We're back!

Where's Scott?

We... got separated.

- But we got a prisoner.

- I don't take prisoners.

- Look, let me explain my plan.

- Your plan?

When and where

did you get separated?

Listen to me, okay?

Look, this is P.K.'s best friend.

We hold him prisoner.

When P.K. tries to come rescue him,

we ambush him and we take him out.

Without P.K., their team

falls apart, and we win.

I don't like it.

- You didn't even think about it!

- Yes, I did!

P.K.'s too smart to fall for this.

And I don't like this idea

about prisoners.

There's no rule about prisoners.

There's no rule against prisoners.

And he will fall for it.

It's Paul, his best friend.

- He'll do anything to save...

- You don't get it!

He'd sacrifice his mother to win.

His best friend means nothing.

He dies now.

- Sorry, kid...

- Wait!

Let's just see

what everyone else thinks.

Are you stupid, man?

You don't get to vote in the army.

I'm not stupid!

Did you even hear me?

Quinn's the leader.

Let him lead.

Look, when Scott gets back,

I'm sure he'll want to do it.

- Scott's dead.

- What?

You're lying. Shut up!

Kenney killed him

about half an hour ago

in the field near the hydro tower.

P.K. and I were there.

Scott kept calling for backup.

Nobody came.

First, I'm gonna kill him.

Then I wanna hear

how you got separated from Scott.

Now, give me a grenade.

No.

You're not in charge here, okay?

You're a grenade carrier!

Now, give me a grenade.

- You can't kill him!

- Skinner...

...you don't have what it takes to lead,

and you don't have what it takes

to beat a general like P.K. Sullivan.

Now, see her? She's smart.

She could do it. But not you.

You're just stupid.

So either sit down and shut up

and let me run this army,

or get off my team!

So, which is it?

- Okay.

- Okay, what?

Okay. I'm in charge.

You can't! It's not fair!

Go home. You're dead.

Then f*** you.

And f*** all you a**holes!

Who's with me?

Sikorski? Frost?

Yeah. That was cool.

Okay. Yeah.

You?

You have any contribution

to make to this team?

I have techniques.

Great. Whatever.

Sikorski, tie the chink to a tree.

- What's your name again?

- Wesley.

This your first war?

Yeah.

Why'd you come out?

Um... for fun, I guess.

I don't really have a lot of friends.

And you're a priest?

That why you don't have many friends?

Actually, I'm an altar boy.

At St. Andrew's.

Oh.

Ever been buggered?

No, it's an Anglican church.

So... what's the deal

with God, altar boy?

What do you mean?

What's so great about God?

God is love.

What the hell does that mean?

God loves you all the time,

no matter what.

So?

So, no matter what you do wrong,

all you have to do

is ask Him to forgive you,

and He will. Every time.

God is so gay.

If God told you to engage

in coprophagia, would you do it?

- What's copropha...

- Coprophagia.

It means eating sh*t.

Insane people do it,

and I guess dogs sometimes.

Do you even have the Internet?

Yeah, but I don't...

there's some dog sh*t right there.

Now, what if God said that you

had to engage in coprophagia,

or get kicked out of the church forever?

No, He would never do that.

Okay, what if He punished you?

You made a mistake, and God says,

"Okay, Wesley, you messed up.

But it's all good if you just engage

in some coprophagia...

...right now."

No, he would never.

He would just forgive me.

Okay.

Would you do it if I said

I'd be your friend?

Yeah. That's right.

You could come over, play

video games, have a sleep over.

Best friends.

- You're lying.

- I'm dead serious.

If you engage in coprophagia,

I will be your best friend.

No way.

- And I'll give you 50 bucks.

- Yeah, right.

You don't even have 50 bucks.

Fifty bucks... and my friendship.

It's your choice. Friendship...

or fresh breath.

You came here to make friends, right?

P.K. wants to see you.

That's a standing offer, altar boy.

Think it over.

You're gonna be so sorry

you ever met P.K.

You're gonna be screaming,

begging me to stop.

It's gonna be the most pain

you've ever felt.

You won't even be able to breathe.

I'm gonna break...

- Skinner!

- What?

You wanna be leader,

get over here and lead.

Okay, uh...

Do you even have a strategy?

- Quinn...

- Screw Quinn!

P.K.'s gonna try and save

his best friend over there.

And when he does, shoot him.

But do not kill him.

Capture him and bring him to me.

And then what?

That's all you need to know for now.

That's not a strategy.

What if P.K. doesn't come?

What if he does something

that we don't expect?

He won't.

Okay, fine.

Then where are we going

to position ourselves?

In a perimeter? Where is

he going to attack from?

There's only three of us.

We can't defend all sides.

What about capturing his flag?

We can't be on defense...

If you don't like it, then f*** off!

Go fight your own war!

Okay. Sikorski...

you and Jess secure the perimeter

and wait for them to show up.

And when you see them,

you know, shoot 'em.

Can't I go with Frost?

Okay, fine, go with Frost.

No, no wait.

I need Frost to go scouting.

- Aw, man!

- And Jess...

...you walk around the base

and watch for the attack.

- No.

- What?

I can't do that. You already told me

to secure the perimeter with Sikorski.

Why can't me and Sikorski

walk around the base

and then she can go scouting?

But then there's nobody

securing the perimeter.

Can I be a grenade carrier?

Why don't I walk around the base,

Sikorski scouts, and Frost

secures the perimeter by himself?

I'm not sure I can secure

the perimeter by myself.

Listen! Sikorski and Frost,

secure the perimeter. Jess,

take the grenades and go scouting.

F***!

Now go! If you don't see anything

after half an hour, come back.

Wait! Don't go!

He's gonna hurt me!

Are you?

No, he's just trying

to mess up our team.

Well, you certainly don't need

any help with that.

Exactly.

Please, don't leave me alone with him!

Look, I was just trying to scare him.

Listen, Jess, you know

Frost on our team?

He's totally in love with you.

- So?

- So stay away from him.

He's an idiot,

and I need everyone focused.

You can seduce

enemy soldiers, though.

- Excuse me?

- You're a girl.

You have secret powers over them.

Just blow them a kiss.

And then blow them away.

What are you doing?

- Imagine a guy...

- Quiet!

Imagine a guy

comes to your house.

He works for every video

game company in the world.

He says you can have every console

for the rest of your life, free.

And you'd get it six months

before everyone else.

So basically, you'd be

the most popular person

in the world for those six months.

Plus... unlimited new games.

But he gets to cut off your dick.

Or you can keep your dick,

but you're not allowed

to use any computer

for the rest of your life.

What would you do?

Why is this game consortium

so interested in my dick?

Just answer the question.

Okay.

First, I'd find out who's

next on the list if I say no.

Then I'd contact that person

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