I Give It a Year

---

( Never Knew Love Like This Before

by Jessie Ware)

Must you? Just here?

(all)... three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

(all cheering)

(Nat) I do.

(chuckles)

It now gives me

great pleasure to pronounce you...

(whispering) Excuse me.

(coughing)

(continues coughing)

- (guests murmuring)

- You all right?

- (whispering) I'm fine.

- (coughs)

- Something lodged?

- Nothing.

- (hushed) Water.

- What?

A glass of water, please.

- Where's the water?

- I don't know.

(coughing)

(minister) Oh, dear.

- (coughing continues)

- (hushed) He's getting it from the font!

Mmm.

- (coughs)

- (water splattering)

Jesus Christ. Sorry.

- So sorry. Where were we?

- "I now pronounce you."

- I now pronounce you.

- Yeah.

(stammers)

No, thank you.

I now pronounce you... (mouths)

...husband and wife.

( Spring Concerto by Vivaldi)

(minister coughing)

(Hugh) Look at them.

- Aren't they adorable?

- Yes.

I give it a year.

(guests cheering)

(Danny) And for those of you who don't know me,

and especially if we meet in the bar later,

my name is,

"Danny Do-you-want-a-pint?"

(chuckles) "Danny Do-you-want-a-pint?"

Fornication...

I'll read that again.

For an occasion...

like this,

I want to make sure I keep up

the traditions of being a best man.

Apparently I need to get the groom

to the church on time. Tick.

I need to remember the rings. Did that.

And I need to...

have sex with a bridesmaid. Wahey!

I... To be fair, I wrote these, um...

before I knew they...

I would never have sex with a...

Maybe when they're older.

Never say never.

And keep away from Paedo Rog! Ha-ha!

(chuckles) All right, Paedo?

Nice to have you.

He's come a long way. Good lad.

It's great to see so many people turn up

to see Josh finally tie the knot.

And about time, too.

Nat's got it all.

She's brilliantly clever,

apparently really delivers in the bedroom.

Like mother like daughter, eh?

He knows what I'm talking about.

And I don't know about you,

but I feel she could easily be a model,

I think we'll agree,

if it wasn't for her nose.

When I first saw her beaver...

...ing away... Beavering away,

cooking Josh a meal,

I knew she was a real catch.

Um, I've got no idea why

her previous boyfriend cheated on her,

but, uh, I'm glad he did.

Cheers to him, wherever he may be.

Probably shagging.

But, uh, no. Um, seriously, Nat.

You're a real eight out of ten, love.

I mean that sincerely.

And we're delighted you and Josh

have found each other.

So, everyone, please, raise your glasses

as we say a little toast to Nat and Josh.

(all) To Nat and Josh!

(all applauding)

Nat is literally gonna be cringing right now.

She hates being the centre of attention.

It is impossible to imagine anyone

looking more beautiful than you do today, Nat.

And I know how much you love

being the centre of attention.

That's just one of the things

that makes us so different.

Because I'm a thinker, you're a doer.

I'm laissez-faire, you're anal.

Hey, you dirty sod!

On you go.

I think it's fine for a man to wear Crocs,

and you've made it abundantly clear you do not.

(chuckles)

I know it's only been seven months,

and some of you think that we're crazy

for getting married, but...

all I know is, from the first moment I saw you,

I knew that yours was the only face

and the only voice...

- that I would ever need again.

- (all) Aw!

'Cause in that moment, everything just changed.

Everything just seemed to fit so perfectly.

Wahey!

And I'm so lucky that I feel like

I'm only just getting to know you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here's to us.

(guests cheering)

- Here's to us.

- (guests) Cheers!

(guests cheering)

(guests applauding)

( You Do Something To Me by Paul Weller)

Are you happy?

The happiest.

The best two hours and 36 minutes of my life.

(chuckles)

You know, I had this terrible fear

that you were gonna

do some sort of novelty dance.

(hip hop track plays)

Get it on quickly, get it on quickly.

I'm so sorry, Nat.

I wanna rock right now

(rapping) I'm Josh Moss and I came to get down

You're my girl

My honey, my boo

I was straight trippin' when you said "I do"

All the motherfuckers in the house say "yo"

There's something my nigga's got to know

It's the sh*t to see my dawg get hitched

Now he can make that ho his b*tch

- You can't say those things.

- Don't be a player hater.

Seriously, mate.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Am I right? Put it there, mate.

- Ready?

- Yeah.

Aw. That's nice.

Listen, son, you know it's not easy, don't you?

- The first year is the worst.

- Okay.

- It's true.

- Thank you.

If you can make it through

the first year of marriage,

- you can make it through anything.

- Yeah.

You know, there were times

when your father was late home

- I used to fantasise he'd been killed.

- Did you?

- Mmm.

- That's nice.

Oh, in my mind, it was always the IRA.

Strange, strange.

But things got better

because we love each other.

Tremendous, tremendous.

(both moaning)

- Shall we go, yeah? This is weird.

- Yes, it's a bit weird.

(moaning continues)

Unbelievable. Just unbelievable.

(Nat) So, that was nine months ago.

(Josh) Mmm.

And I think even then we knew instinctively

something wasn't quite right.

You realised you'd married beneath yourself.

You thought you could be

with someone better-looking,

better body, perhaps a professional man?

- Uh, no.

- No.

No, no, I think we were both in love

with the idea of being in love.

You know, and we're at that age

where we're ready to find "the one".

And don't tell me, Josh,

you opened that closet door,

didn't want to live that lie any more.

I picked up on it the moment you sat down.

Tricks of the trade.

You know, you can tell by the shoes.

No! Oh, Christ, no, no, no, no,

I'm completely straight.

Couldn't be less gay.

I mean, I don't even like...

touching my own penis.

Right, so were there terrible sexual problems?

Does he have tremendously niche desires?

Did he want to touch you here?

- Uh...

- Never with a pen.

Look, Nat's amazing, obviously.

She's wonderful.

And I think we both really want

to make this work.

But is it possible

that some people

just aren't supposed to be married?

Truthfully, there's just something

in our marriage

that hasn't quite...

- Clicked.

...jelled.

So? Was it like a dream?

Well, we ticked every wedding box.

Cake, sweaty uncles dancing to Queen.

People we thought were dead

flying in from Canada.

It was very wedding-y, right?

It was so romantic.

It was just like a Hugh Grant film.

- It was amazing, wasn't it?

- Mmm!

Did you like all the flowers?

We got the most...

I'm sorry,

but can we do this at lunch?

- Right. Absolutely, Helen.

- Thanks.

Ruthlessly efficient, as always.

We should not be talking about

- lace halter necks on company time.

- No.

- What's the story?

- While you were on your holiday,

I took the initiative

and I started gathering ideas for Guy Harrap.

He's taken over his father's

industrial solvent and bleach empire.

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