I Give It a Year Page #2

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You weren't here, but he basically wants

to make solvents and bleach sexy.

- F*** off.

- (phone ringing)

(Josh over speaker) Is that

my dirty little slut of a wife?

Hey!

What are you doing?

Uh, middle of a meeting. What's up?

Maybe I'm just missing

the sexiest wife in the universe.

- Not working today?

- I've got writer's block.

I can't work out whether to call

my main character Ezra

- or David.

- Um, David.

I was at school with an Ezra who got expelled

for punching a swan in the throat.

Who said the second novel would be tricky?

Anything else?

No, no, no. I'll see you at three.

- Love...

- (dialling tone)

...you.

Sorry, that was my husband.

He has writer's block.

Did I mention that he was a writer, of books?

- Only about a million times.

- Yeah, Clare mentioned it,

but I've never heard of him. (coughs)

Sorry, sorry.

You do realise you're not going

any faster than walking, don't you?

You've got all the superficial

trappings of a run

but there's people walking much faster than you.

You're just expending a lot of surplus energy.

Thank you for that analysis.

How late are we?

Well, you, my little friend,

are 10 minutes early.

I told you the wrong time because I knew

you'd never be on schedule.

- Right.

- Mmm!

I'm just trying to work out

if I find that endearing

or it makes me want to bludgeon you

to death with a shovel.

- No, it's endearing.

- I think it's a shovel.

- It's endearing.

- Do we have a shovel?

Well, firstly, a hearty "mazoltov"

for your marriage.

- I think it's "mazel tov", isn't it?

- Thank you.

- Mmm?

- I always thought it was "mazel tov".

I don't know, I'm not Jewish.

Oh.

But, as you know, whilst everything

may seem so happy now,

of course you could be struck down at any time.

Cancer. Heart disease. Meningitis.

Hit by a truck.

- Bam!

- (gasps)

I had a client who was kicked to death

by a group of disaffected youths

high on meow meow.

She'd just left the house to get potatoes.

- Just potatoes.

- Sh*t.

And the tragedy was,

she hadn't thought to make a will.

- Or a Tesco home delivery.

- (chuckles)

What?

Yeah.

She was only identifiable by her dental records.

Why, what had they done to her?

They'd made impressions of her teeth.

Still, fortunately, you two have had

the presence of mind

to plan for your future.

So, have you considered what would happen

if either of you fell into a persistent...

- (stumbles)... vegetatative state?

- A what, sorry?

Persistent vegetatative state.

Mmm.

One too many T's there. "Vegetative."

Have you considered what would happen

if you fell into...

one of these guys?

Just pillow talk, really.

No, I think we did decide

that we'd both like to be left to die.

Excellent, yes.

We just switched off my aunt.

- I'm sorry.

- Aw.

No, it's all right.

It's no quality of life.

And we freed up a socket for a lava lamp.

Ah.

It's transformed the lounge.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Largely losing her, to be fair.

Now, can we go through a few of these?

Just give me a yes or no.

Are we switching the life support off?

Brain dead?

- (both) Switch it off.

- Switch it off. Get it off.

Locked-in syndrome?

That's the one where you're paralysed

but you can still wink.

It's all the...

It's the dribble, isn't it,

that I couldn't handle.

- Constantly mopping up phlegm.

- (Josh) I wouldn't want that.

You wouldn't want that.

That's why you're murdering your wife.

(grunts)

So, are you switching it off?

- Sorry, what are you doing?

- (Nat) Off!

- Switch it off, yeah.

- Off she goes!

Night-night.

Um, brain-damaged and vegetative.

- Thank you.

- Mmm.

Um, brain stem undamaged.

So you're breathing,

you're swallowing, you're fine,

but you are still literally a shell of a person

with no capacity for any emotion or thought.

Much like my Susan.

My little joke.

(chuckles)

- Off, off.

- Off, yeah, off.

Get that off, off, off, off!

Well, this is slightly more depressing

- than I'd imagined.

- Oh, no. Come one.

And you haven't even

received my bill yet. (chuckles)

(laughs)

That's a good 'un. That is a good 'un.

- An electric peppermill?

- (whirring)

I can't believe you got an electric peppermill.

We thought we had to have

at least one dinner party

to use all the crap we got bought.

At least that's a useful gift.

D'you know what I mean?

I hate those gifts where someone says,

"Do you know what I've done for you?

"I've donated to charity

on your behalf."

"Have you? Really?" Bollocks to that.

If I'm getting married, why should some

African fella get a couple of goats?

I want a f***ing smoothie maker,

d'you know what I mean?

- Did you get them goats?

- Four of them.

- Four goats?

- Yeah.

That's a lovely gift, that,

because they need goats.

African fella's pleased.

Go on, tell us about your honeymoon.

It was lovely. It was idyllic.

Morocco's beautiful.

- Amazing place, yeah.

- (Nat) Yeah.

It was just a bit long, really.

I was really sad when we came back.

(Nat) Well, things hit a low point

when we found ourselves

in the Essaouira Museum of Leather Manufacturing

discussing if we had a superpower,

what would it be?

I actually really enjoyed that.

I thought that was really fun.

(Danny) I think if I was

gonna have any superpower,

it would be the ability to speak Spanish.

That would be amazing, wouldn't it?

Because you could say stuff like,

- Hola, gazpacho.

- (Nat) You just said it.

- (Josh) You're saying it now.

- Oh, wow.

Hmm.

Not strictly speaking a superpower,

though, is it, really?

Otherwise everyone in Brazil

would be superheroes.

Mmm, true.

They speak Portuguese in Brazil.

You cock.

(laughs)

- Mmm?

- Keep it for the car.

Um, so... Wait, so, Josh,

- what did you choose?

- Boring, really. Super-strength.

That's what I would choose, too!

I think it would be so handy

to be able to open, like, jam jars.

Jam jars! That's exactly...

Isn't that exactly what I said?

- That's exactly what you said.

- (Josh) That's exactly what I said.

- That's so funny.

- That is so funny.

Are we eight years old, all of a sudden?

This is what children talk about.

All right, Nat, calm down,

we were only having a joke.

Yeah, joke's over.

Ooh. "Grounds for divorce dot com."

Shut up, you "bell-end dot-co-dot-uk".

To be honest, I'm not sure

you could get a divorce

because I'm not even sure

you're officially married.

Because they never officially split up.

(chuckling)

- What?

- What?

They never officially split up.

What are you talking about?

- You never officially broke up, did you?

- (mouthing)

Yeah, actually it's, um...

it's pretty funny, really,

because, um, when I left for Africa,

we sort of never formally ended it.

Never formal.

(Chloe chuckles)

We just sort of... We left it open.

Wide open.

Then I ended up being gone for four years.

- About four years...

- But what's four years, really?

(chuckles)

(peppermill whirring)

I've told you this.

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