I Give It a Year Page #3

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- Nat. Nat.

- Hmm?

I've told you this.

He wasn't happy, though,

I'll tell you, that time.

Honestly, we used to refer to 2008

as the sort of... as the "lost year".

- Mate.

- He would just sit there in his pants.

You know, drinking and playing

Grand Theft Auto, masturbating.

- No!

- (groans)

(Danny) Sometimes all three at once.

That's an impressive thing.

I couldn't do that.

I could practise for ages,

I wouldn't be able to do that.

Imagine that on Britain's Got Talent.

Nat, I'm really sorry about that, back there.

I just... I thought that you knew.

Oh, no, don't be silly.

It was years ago.

2008, I was still using

"LOL" un-ironically

and wearing ballet flats.

Look at those.

You look really cute in those.

- Thanks, thanks.

- Pretty.

Um...

Yeah, well, you know,

it really was a long time ago

and we were both so young.

We were so different back then.

And now he's married

to the coolest woman on the planet.

You're sweet.

I thought,

"I've got it made, I married a doctor."

And then you realise,

you're gonna wake up every day

to the same hairy ears.

The same slightly deformed fungal toenail.

And you're gonna have to listen to that weird,

ear-throat-clearing sound they make

every day until you are dead.

(grunting)

(groans in disgust)

And the same penis.

I may, literally, never see another penis again.

Unless it's a small child's.

Or if you get sexually assaulted.

(chuckles)

And Josh's is lovely. You know,

we have an incredible sex life.

But that's not the point, you know.

I love Michael Jackson's Off the Wall album.

I wouldn't necessarily want to only

listen to that for the rest of my life.

Yeah. Oh, honey, I've been there.

I mean, you'll listen to it a lot

in the beginning.

You'll listen to it

in all different sorts of places.

You'll listen to it in the car,

in the disabled toilet cubicle

in the McDonald's in Egham,

in your unconscious granny's hospital room.

- Granny Mary?

- It's what she would have wanted.

But then, you know,

you're just gonna get to the point

where you're not that bothered

about listening to music at all.

You just play it on birthdays,

or when you're very, very drunk.

Or...

if someone shows you a Justin Bieber video

when you're in the office

and, you know, all you can

then think about is that.

Isn't he, like, 15?

Oh, he'd know what to do.

I'd ruin Bieber.

You would. You would ruin him.

(grunting)

F***.

It's the soundtrack to my marriage.

Don't get married, you.

Too late for you.

Penny for them.

Your thoughts. How you doing?

Hey, Danny.

(groans)

Let's get the party started.

Get comfy. Get comfy.

(both sighing)

(indistinct)

You know, I shouldn't really tell you

this, but I was talking to Josh...

- (Chloe clears throat)

...and, um,

he said that the sex between him and Nat

is amazing.

He said that it blows everything

he's had in the past out the water.

Out of the water!

- Wow. That is tremendous news.

- Tremendous news for him,

- he's really pleased, yeah.

- It's... Yeah.

I suppose that's not really your thing,

is it? Sex and sexiness.

You're more...

How would you describe yourself?

Kind of "kind," do you know what I mean?

Charitable.

It's a shame, in a way,

that they couldn't put...

your brain in her body. D'you know

what I mean? That would be amazing.

Although what would you be left with?

You'd be left with, like...

Ooh, you'd be left with her brain in your body.

Imagine that.

Just rampaging around, out of control.

(grunts) "What's that?

"Oh, my God, it's like Frankenstein,

"but with, like, b*obs."

(mock-screaming)

Villagers coming out

with pitchforks and torches. "Kill it!"

- It'd be just terrifying.

- It would be terrifying.

It would be horrible.

No. Joking, joking. I'd do you.

- If you wanted. You know.

- Thank you.

If I had to make a top-10

of women I know that I would do,

you'd be in that list.

Number seven. All right?

- Thank you. Thanks, Danny.

- Seriously.

Do you want to get a drink sometime?

Maybe pop out and get a drink sometime?

Um, I... No.

- Yeah?

- No.

You say no, I say yes.

(laughs)

(Nat) So, remember to play up

our ethical credentials.

Don't mention the BP campaign.

And let's emphasise the online campaign

we did for Greenpeace.

Our job is to convince people

his solvents won't render the planet

a barren, lifeless husk

- unfit for future generations.

- (Clare) Piece of piss.

How are we gonna do that, then?

Well, if he's a cheapskate like his dad,

we suggest making the typeface green and yellow

and sticking some sort of

sunflower or butterfly on the logo.

It's textbook.

Depressingly, you could be right.

I expect he'll be some sort of tasteless Yank,

obsessed with how we're all so quaint,

spell "colour" with a "u",

worship Benny Hill and then say "awesome" a lot.

Yeah. And he'll probably do

that Austin Powers accent.

You know the one. "Yeah, baby!"

(Clare laughs)

(Helen) I didn't watch that film

because it's absolutely not my cup of tea.

And then plump for whatever

turns out to be the cheapest option.

That's my prediction.

- You're not eating today?

- There's a lot of mercury in that.

Then why don't you get a f***ing sandwich?

I am gonna get a f***ing sandwich, Clare,

but I'm not gonna have one with bread in it

because I'm a coeliac. You know that.

So I was thinking about your book.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

I reckon that I prefer

"Ezra" to "David" as a name.

There was a David at school who,

if you paid him 50 cents,

was prepared to lick anything.

- Literally anything.

- Let's talk about it over dinner

because Nat's out tonight, another work thing.

I'm starving.

I mean, obviously, it's all relative.

I feel their plight.

I only had a Kinder Bueno for lunch.

Mmm, I can't tonight.

I'm going out with Charlie.

What, again?

That's the third time in two weeks.

(chuckles) You're counting?

Sorry to interrupt.

Those articles you wanted from this morning.

- Thanks.

- Thank you.

So, what, am I just supposed to stay home

in the hopes you've got a free night?

No.

I just don't want to see you

getting hurt, that's all.

(phone ringing)

(whispering) Is that him?

(whispering) Yeah.

(Josh) Well, I see someone managed

to find a Burger King out in Sudan.

I've just seen Guy Harrap in reception!

And I would jump on him like a bouncy castle.

Remember to take off your shoes,

and no somersaults.

- I need your ring.

- What?

- We really need this account.

- Are you on drugs?

Come on, it's not like you're gonna

jump into bed with the man.

- (door opens)

- Clare!

What's up?

- Guy Harrap.

- (Nat) Hello.

Who we got here?

Natasha Redfearn, Accounts Director.

- Sweet.

- Hi.

Is there anything we can offer you?

Hot diggity dog, I love the way you say that.

Huh? The way she says that? "Offer"?

Off... Can you say that again?

- Oh...

- (mimics) "Offer" me.

Um, offer.

- There it is. There it is.

- (chuckles)

- Here, give me some of that.

- Oh.

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