I Love Trouble Page #7

- However, it seems to me...

- that something wasn't kosher with LDF.

- Mm-hmm.

And Willy must've gone

to Beekman and Hervey

and offered them promotions if they'd...

- Fake the test results?

- Is that what you think, Brackett?

- Is that what you think, Peterson?

- I asked you first.

- Yes.

- Me, too.

I think Henley went along with

the plan, but Beekman refused.

So he leaves Chess and takes

the real test results with him.

- And just in case, sends a copy to his son.

- Exactly.

Willy finds out, panics, and

calls in his old friend Vargas.

You've turned into

a hell of a Hardy Boy, Peterson.

Besides the fact that these

people are trying to kill us...

how about the fact that they're

contaminating the country's milk supply?

Milk! Is nothing sacred?

Let's go!

Gimme the keys, Peterson.

You can drive next time.

What was that all about?

That guy was what? Tell me.

I don't know. Like, he was there then he

was gone. I don't know. I got spooked.

Well, it's okay.

I'm dead anyway.

Yes, you are.

You two have somethin' that doesn't belong

to you, and I've been asked to take it back.

Peterson, do you have somethin'

that doesn't belong to you?

- No. Do you?

- Mmm. Sorry, we don't have it.

Stay in this lane, boyfriend,

and keep it at 60.

So what's the plan?

Take us to some remote place,

kill us and make it look like an accident?

- Sounds good to me.

- Well, guess what?

Since I'm the designated driver,

screw your plan.

What are you doing?

Slow the car down,

or I'll smoke you right now!

Go ahead!

That's it!

Pull over!

Brackett!

Put your seat belt on,

Peterson.

What are you, crazy?

- You're welcome.

- Should I Search him?

- Is he dead?

- I don't think so.

Then I wouldn't.

I think we took the wrong turn.

Jeez! Oh!

Perhaps this is

a blessing in disguise.

- At least nobody knows where we are.

- Including us.

So, are we gonna go see

this Hervey character or what?

Yeah. Sure.

Which way's Nevada?

What do you think that guy meant

when he asked...

if we had something

that didn't belong to us?

I don't know. Maybe Beekman's

test results weren't in the briefcase.

But if we had them, why would we

still be on the story?

Better question is, if they weren't

in the briefcase, where are they?

You aren't suggesting

I have them.

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Do you?

- Wanna frisk me?

- No, not tonight, dear. I have a headache.

Oops. I'm sorry.

You sure you don't want

some sunscreen, Brackett?

- it's paba-free.

- I'm fine, thank you.

One out of every six Americans

gets skin cancer before the age of 65.

You blonds have to be

especially careful.

Peterson, do me a favor.

Quit givin' me advice.

First, I shouldn't eat bacon,

then saturated fat.

If I'd eaten that saturated fat, I

wouldn't be starving to death right now.

Fine.

Don't wear sunscreen.

You know, I was just thinking. You know

where I'd be today if it weren't for you?

- No, tell me.

- At the Beverly Hills Hotel...

on my book tour, lounging around the pool,

giving interviews, gazing at Starlets.

You're not even embarrassed

to say that, are you?

Embarrassed? What do you think?

I'd rather be traipsing through poison ivy...

wearing a shirt on my head,

looking for hidden test results?

You think they're hidden?

You're actually having fun

on this story, aren't you?

You're not? I mean, I understand

your saying you're not...

but you're really not?

Peterson, do I look like a man

having fun?

A man lounging around the Beverly Hills

Hotel ogling Starlets...

looks to me like a man

not having fun.

And furthermore, I think

you owe me an apology.

In my opinion, meeting me was the best

thing that ever happened to you.

You could've quit this story

anytime you wanted, and you didn't...

because you and I both know

this is the story of our lives.

No matter what you say, I know

you'd rather be an ace reporter...

than a second-rate

novelist.

What is that?

What is what?

- Don't turn around. I'm getting out.

- Yeah?

I didn't think you'd be back so fast.

Don't turn.

I won't.

- What's that?

- What?

- Uh-oh.

- She's naked.

- What?

- She's butt naked!

Honey, we've been rescued.

What are you doing?

Don't do this to me, please.

Was I hearing things, or did you

call me a second-rate novelist?

I was, I was kidding. I,

I never even read your book.

- I, I'm sure it's quite brilliant.

- Uh-huh.

- Oh! What are you doing? Walk backwards.

- You never read it, huh?

Boys! Hi, boys! Look!

A double-spotted platypus.

They're very rare.

You're missing it.

When they said be prepared, I bet you

boys didn't expect anything like this.

Only in our dreams.

Are you sure you never

read my book, Peterson?

- Okay, stop. I, I read it. I'm, I'm reading it.

- And?

It's cute.

Very cute.

I, I expected more,

to tell you the truth, but...

These nature walks are really

educational, huh, guys?

Hey, I got a great idea!

Does anybody have a camera?

Come on, you look great!

I can't believe I let you

talk me into this shirt!

I mean, we look like

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans!

I mean, look at us.

Brackett, they found us.

Let's get outta here.

- Stop! Stop!

- Get out of the way.

Go!

Move 'em out!

Come on, Peterson!

This way! This way!

Brackett, through here.

Ooh!

We don't see

many of those anymore.

Congratulations.

Right this way.

- You kids next?

- Us?

- Yes! Yes! Yes, we are. We're next.

- isn't this rather sudden?

Come, come, come.

Don't be shy.

My name is Ray. I'll be conducting

the service this evening.

Please take a position

in front of the podium...

and I'll acquaint you with the

accoutrement we have at our disposal.

We have flowers, fresh or silk.

We have rings, veil, tux,

yarmulke, if you so desire.

- Music, prerecorded or live...

- We'll take the works.

Yes. The works, Sandra.

Spare no expense on such

a marvelous and holy occasion.

That's a 42,

and it looks like a winner.

Please place this

on the apex of the skull.

Very good.

Would you folks prefer the...

long or the abridged service

this evening?

Uh, just do us a favor.

Just go through the motions. Uh...

- Just start.

- Just start? Why don't we just start?

Sandra, if you will.

I'll need your names.

- Peterson.

- Brackett.

Peterson, you and Brackett

have decided to unite your love.

May you cherish

this sacred moment...

forever.

Rings.

As I ask Brackett...

do you take Peterson

to be your wedded wife...

promising to cherish

and protect her...

be it in good fortune

and adversity?

- Is he here?

- Yes!

Yes? And do you take Brackett

to be your wedded husband...

promising to cherish

and protect him...

be it in good fortune

and adversity?

If he comes any closer,

we're out the rear exit.

Okay.

Okay. And so,

by the powers vested in me...

by the great state of Nevada...

I pronounce you

husband and wife.

Mazel to v.

I'm Coming up empty

on this guy Vargas.

And your friend Sam

called twice.

He said that he can't find

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