I Love You Phillip Morris Page #17

BLONDE WIFE:

Well where is she, sweetheart?

STEVEN:

She works. Travels a lot. It's killing

her she couldn't be here.

And as the wives fret symathetically-

105 INT. USAMM OFFICE - 1996 - DAY 105

Steven saunters over to VERA the company accountant who

is stamping some checks. He places some papers on her

desk.

STEVEN:

These are ready for Dan ...

VERA:

Thanks Steven. You doin' good?

STEVEN:

Kind of. I just got back from my lawyer's

office. I asked him, "What's your fee?"

He says, "I charge $50 for three

questions." So I ask, "Don't you think

that's a little expensive?" And he says,

"Yes it is... Now what's your final

question?"

Vera EXPLODES with laughter.

VERA:

It's so true. Lawyers!

She turns to a colleague.

VERA (CONT'D)

Annie! Come here, you gotta hear this!

106 INT. UPSCALE HOUSTON RESTAURANT - 1996 - DAY 106

Steven sits at a high powered lunch with Dan Lindholm and

Larry Birkheim. He is diligently taking notes.

BIRKHEIM:

That's the thing about the back nine at

Pebble Beach.

(MORE)

"I Love You Phillip Morris" Green Pages 5-23-08 67.

BIRKHEIM (CONT'D)

I don't care what your handicap is...

that sand wedge is gonna get a workout-

LINDHOLM:

I couldn't agree with you more. I

remember one time, I was at Augusta...

As Dan prattles on, Steven continues to write on his

pad. CUT TO REVEAL he's doodling pictures of SMILEY-

FACED PENISES.

107 INT. USAMM - BREAK ROOM - 1996 - DAY 107

Steven refills his mug of coffee while in the background,

two SECRETARIES dish.

SECRETARY:

The woman says,"That's awful expensive,

isn't it?" and the lawyer says, "Yes and

now you only got one question left!"

She laughs LOUDER than the woman listening to the joke.

SECRETARY (CONT'D)

`Cause he already asked the two!

They both laugh loudly now as Steven exits.

108 INT. HOUSTON BANQUET ROOM - 1996 - DAY 108

Steven and Dan Lindholm stand at the omelette station at

a high class brunch buffet.

LINDHOLM:

(to cook)

Mushroom and cheese.

(to Steven)

Anyway like I was saying the Northrup guy

says to the NASA "well that question's

gonna cost fifty million to answer" so

NASA says, "Don't you think that's a lot

of money?" and Northrup says "Yep, now

you owe us another fifty million. Next

question please!"

This sounds eerily familiar. Steven laughs a COURTESY

LAUGH.

STEVEN:

Yeah that's a good one...

"I Love You Phillip Morris" Green Pages 5-23-08 68.

LINDHOLM:

That's why there's so few shuttle

missions. They're wasting all their

money on bureaucracy. And probes...

Unmanned probes.

(then)

Like people care if there's life on Mars.

(to cook)

No mushrooms, I said.

109 INT. NEW HOUSTON APARTMENT, 1996 - LIVING ROOM - MORNING 109

Phillip test his blood sugar by applying a test strip to

his bloody thumb. He compares the strip to small card

with a blood sugar chart.

Contented with the result, he puts the everything away in

a small BLACK LEATHER BAG containing INSULIN and

SYRINGES.

Steven passes by in the BACKGROUND with a brand new bag

of golf clubs. Phillip is instantly puzzled.

PHILLIP:

Golf!?

STEVEN:

What?

PHILLIP:

You're a homosexual.

STEVEN:

It's work.

PHILLIP:

You know, you can tell them. They can't

fire you for being gay.

STEVEN:

I know...

PHILLIP:

I'm trying to be understanding here

honey, but golf? Why not just eat p*ssy?

STEVEN:

(exiting)

Wish me luck.

PHILLIP:

Good luck!

"I Love You Phillip Morris" Green Pages 5-23-08 69.

110 EXT. HOUSTON GOLF COURSE - 1996 - DAY 110

Steven, Lindholm and two CLIENTS are at the first tee.

Steven nervously tees up. He does his best recollection

of a warm up and hits the ball. It's not a good drive,

but it does go about thirty yards.

STEVEN:

Oh! This is easy!

(cocky, Butch)

Your turn Dan!

111 EXT. HOUSTON GOLF COURSE SANDTRAP - 1996 - LATER 111

As Lindholm and the Clients wait, a periodic spray of

sand flies up from the trap behind them as unseen Steven

swings in vain.

LINDHOLM:

Hell of a hazard ain't it Steven?

Eventually, a ball flies out of the trap.

STEVEN (O.S.)

(to ball)

Oh yeah! How ya like that, sister!?

CUT TO:

112 EXT. HOUSTON GOLF COURSE FAIRWAY - 1996 - DAY 112

Steven and the Client amble along a few yards behind Dan

and the other client. Steven is covered in sweat and

sand.

CLIENT:

So the black fella says to the jew lawyer-

"50 bucks a question? Ain't that

expensive?" "Yeah it's expensive," he

says, "I'm a Jew, you n*gger!"

The man laughs to himself.

CLIENT (CONT'D)

Get it?!!

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