I Love You to Death Page #3

- No, he's not.

I'm his wife. Can I help you?

I met him at a bowling alley, and he

told me he had some apartments to rent.

- He's up there right now.

- Fixing the pipes.

This is my friend Devo.

- What is your name?

- Bridget.

- Bridget. Bridget, meet Devo.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Come on. I'll take you up.

I think it's time

I was moving out of my house.

I was about your age when I moved out.

I got married to Joey.

- Now my mother lives with us.

- That must be fun.

It's okay.

Oh, here's Joey now.

Bridget, how you doing?

What are you doing here?

She wants to look at one

of the apartments, baby.

- Today?

- Do you have any vacancies?

We might have one

coming up next month.

Might as well take a look

while she's here.

Yeah, yeah.

No. No, it's-

It's not a good time.

- Maybe tomorrow. How's that?

- Sure. Tomorrow.

- Well, it was nice to meet you, Mrs. Boca.

- Rosalie.

Rosalie.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye, now.

Bye-bye.

She came all this way.

You couldn't show her today?

No, no. I got a lot to do.

I'm not Superman.

Hey, Joey.

You forgot this.

Thanks.

I don't like that Dewey Brown.

- Why not? She's a nice girl.

- She's got eyes for you, Joey.

- What?

- I can see that.

- Come on. She's only a kid.

- She's very pretty.

You think she's pretty?

She's pretty.

She's got a beautiful body too.

So what? What do I care?

You're the best wife in the world.

What more could I want?

You work too hard.

You should get a plumber.

I can't afford that,

and you know it.

I can never get you

to fix anything at home.

Your mother fixes everything. Grandma

Mechanic:
half-woman, half-wrench.

Don't start.

So this goes right here.

See? Holds it together.

This is a restaurant, not a garage.

Grandma Nadja can fix anything.

She fixed Mommy's car yesterday.

Alternator was shot.

It's not natural, a woman

doing this kind of work.

You know, people get paid

$20, $30 an hour for this kind of work.

You get free room and board.

What more do you want?

- Don't talk to Mama that way!

- She belongs in an old-age home.

What did she say?

Don't listen to him, okay?

Excuse me.

I'll come back later.

- What's the matter, Dom?

- What happened?

- I hurt my finger.

- Let me see.

We can fix that. Here.

No problem. We'll fix it right up.

Now put that in your mouth.

How's that? Better? Yeah?

Good. That's my boy.

Can we eat?

- I'm returning these.

- Okay. Thanks.

- What am I doing in a library?

- Joey.

What's that perfume?

You smell so good.

- Joey.

- What?

Not here. They're gonna throw us out.

Good.

- Get your book, and let's get out of here.

- Where are we gonna go?

I say we go to your place,

have a good time.

What about your wife?

No, she can't come.

All set? Come on.

I gotta get back to work soon.

Mrs. Boca?

- Hi, Millie.

- Hi.

- You okay?

- Did somebody mug you?

I'm fine, sweetie.

I...

I lost something, but it's okay.

- You go ahead, guys. I'll be all right.

- Could we help you look for it?

I'll find it.

Okay. Come on. Bye.

Fool. Stupid fool!

Divorce him? No, never.

Why? So he can move in

with some other woman?

- I'd rather see him dead first.

- Good. He deserves to die.

Leaves dirty towels everywhere.

He's a mess.

I hate him, Mama.

All these years, what a fool I am.

Devo tried to warn me too.

The sooner he's dead,

the sooner you begin to live.

I know someone who needs money.

He'd do it. He's a good boy, very nice.

How do you know

these sort of people?

I've got a lot of friends. You know that.

- Killers?

- Not real killers, no.

They only do it for money.

What if we get caught?

Oh, Rosalie, please. In America,

people kill each other left and right.

It's like national pastime.

Nobody gets caught.

I don't know.

I just haven't done

this kind of thing in a long time.

Well, it comes back easy.

When was last time?

It was a long time ago.

I don't remember exactly.

Well, you'll do it for me.

Okay. In honour of your friendship

with my grandmother...

...I guarantee I'll take this guy out.

Okay. You're very good boy.

So many young people today,

they have no respect.

I think it's because of TV,

so much sex and violence.

Yeah, who can figure

what this world's coming to?

Wrong house.

Son of a b*tch, bastard!

It was unbelievable. It was by this much.

Come on in. Sit down here.

- I appreciate your coming over so quick.

- Well, it's okay.

Ever hear of it? Trying to hit me with a

baseball bat? My God, it's unbelievable.

Rosalie, what are you doing?

Get Detective Schooner some coffee.

No. I'm okay, Rosalie.

Thank you.

No, she'll make you coffee

in five minutes.

- Thanks, Joey. I'm trying to give it up.

- No, come on, please-

You give up coffee?

- Never heard of that.

- Makes me jumpy.

Jumpy?

Rosalie, how about some bacon

and eggs for Larry? He works hard.

Nothing for me, thank you.

Rosalie, please sit down.

I didn't come here for breakfast, Joey.

Okay. From the beginning.

Sure, from the beginning. Okay.

A maniac in an Abraham Lincoln mask

tries to brain me with a baseball bat.

That's the whole story.

Yeah, could you see what he looked like?

Yeah, he looked like Abraham Lincoln

coming up to bat.

What kind of way is that

to kill somebody? A baseball bat?

Now I know why you think murder's

the national pastime.

Baseball bat is much cheaper than gun.

Abraham Lincoln is cheaper

than George Washington?

I don't know him.

- Rosalie, where are you?

- Now what are we gonna do?

- This time, I take care of everything.

- We'll talk tomorrow.

- This is wrong. It's wrong.

- You leave it to me. I do it myself.

No! Don't do anything.

We'll talk tomorrow.

What are you doing out here?

- What?

- What are you doing?

Just getting some air.

Come on. There's a maniac loose

in the neighbourhood. Get in the house.

What? Is everybody crazy?

Son of a b*tch!

Mr. Abraham Lincoln,

son of a b*tch, bastard!

Now what are you gonna do, huh?

- Yeah-

- What are you doing?

Nothing. I got my gun.

What do you want a gun for?

I figure that guy in the mask

is trying to rob me.

Business is good. People think

I carry a lot of cash around.

I don't like having a gun

in the house with the children.

Don't forget you are my darling

Rosalie, come on, if you're coming.

Joey, wait up. I'm not a track star.

- What?

- Look what he did to this bush.

Come on. Let's go.

No! No, stop! Wait! Wait.

- No, wait.

- What's wrong?

What are you doing?

- Going to work.

- No, wait.

- What's the matter with you?

- You never go to work together.

So today, we go together.

I didn't like the way my car sounded

this morning, so would you look at it?

It's very bad luck for man and woman

to go together in car on Wednesday...

- ... when it's raining.

- It's raining. So what?

- It's wet.

- Rain is always wet.

The streets are wet.

- Mama Nadja, what are you doing?

- What's the-?

- What is wrong with you?

- It's Wednesday.

Do you mind? We gotta go to work.

Traffic is bad on Wednesdays,

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