I Really Hate My Job Page #7

Okay. Point taken.

Is The Great Gatsby

only about a rich man?

Okay, okay.

[humming]

You're okay?

I'm fine.

[knocking]

Coming.

Alice, I know you've

been trying really hard.

I'm really so impressed

with how you've been

coping so amazingly well.

We just had another complaint

about the chicken.

Apparently,

it was burnt and raw.

Oh, God, burnt and raw.

It's actually quite

a difficult thing to do

if you think about it.

I had to have two

knocked off their bill.

[Rita]

Is something burning?

[coughs]

They're fine.

Burnt.

Chargrilled.

God!

Come on.

Don't listen to her.

The chicken looked good.

I keep thinking

about this cartoon

I saw the other day.

It was two guys talking,

and one says to the other,

"Do you dwell on

the wasted years behind you

or the terrifying

years ahead?"

What are they

having again?

One bean starter.

One soup, two lamb,

three chicken, one salmon.

Take... Take a little sip.

I'm tired.

I'll do plates

and vegetables.

Get the chicken.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

[Alice laughing]

Alice, are you okay?

[crying]

What's up, chef?

- [Alice laughing]

- Abi.

What?

I think hysteria's

a fairly reasonable reaction

to working

in this shithole.

[crying]

What's happened?

[gasping]

I'm sorry.

I'll be okay in a moment.

Did you burn

yourself again?

What would you care

if she burnt herself?

You care more

about the rubbish.

I quite simply reject

your anger, Rita.

[Abi] Yeah, stop

trashing her, Rita.

[Rita laughing]

My ex-agent

described my book

as a "saxophone solo

of misery"

and said

the publisher rejected it

because it was too French

and they didn't know

how they could market it.

Too French.

I was born

in f***ing Crouch End.

a va, a va.

a va, a va.

Alice.

Have you got

the miasma of disgust?

[squeals]

I am fond of the oboe,

although I prefer the violin,

which I do play,

as does Cecile.

And Gaiog--

Gaiog is a percussionist.

The triangle is so unexplored

as an instrument,

don't you think?

[Cecile] Oh, you

couldn't be more right.

But if I could

have a word.

That other waitress

is just so rude.

I do apologize.

[man] Yes. Very rude.

She, um...

She actually has

personal issues

to deal with

at the moment.

Her mother

is terminally ill,

so she's returning

to Quebec tomorrow.

[Abi] There you go.

Thanks.

And the bill, please.

This is actually

her last shift.

I'll just go and check on your

order in the kitchen, okay?

I'll get you an ashtray.

Do you think

this fish looks okay?

Looks great.

You're sure?

Yeah.

Are the lights

really low out front?

[Suzie] Pretty low.

Suzie. Goddamn it.

She didn't even take the food.

Oh, please, don't cry.

It will be okay.

I'm not gonna cry.

I'm gonna commit murder.

Pick this food up now,

or I will bludgeon

you all to death.

That's the spirit.

Excuse me. Could you

please not do that?

We have to sweep it up,

and these floorboards

are like a billion years old.

- [clatters]

- [man] My dear young lady.

We are sorry

about your mother,

but there's no need

to take it out on us.

My mother?

In Quebec.

A tragedy.

What?

Your colleague

told us

about your mother

in Quebec.

My mother is fine.

And I am not Canadian.

That was

a direct sabotage

on any chance

I might have with him.

I was trying to deal

with those clients.

Quebec? My mother

has a terminal illness?

And by the way,

I cannot stand

the way you keep using

the word "excellent" tonight.

What's wrong with

the word "excellent"?

Please take these meals.

You have never said the word

"excellent" before tonight.

- Admit it.

- You are insane.

- [Suzie] Abi. Abi, Abi, Abi.

- Has Miss Jane ever said

the word "excellent"?

That does sound odd

from your lips, I must agree.

Can I have two lemon tarts,

please? Table six.

[Suzie]

Abi. Abi, come quickly.

You don't need

an acting job, Abi.

You never

stop performing.

Oh, well, I'd better

call Equity then

because life

ain't paying me right.

Excellent.

Okay. Let's get

the desserts out.

Okay.

You are a champion.

[man singing in Spanish

over radio]

They left

just as he arrived.

He looked kind of sad

and thoughtful.

I kept buzzing you.

[music on radio continues]

What are you doing?

Abi.

[dinging]

[Abi] I just wanted

to tell you all

it's my birthday today.

I'm...

Get dressed.

I guess none of you know

that I trained as an actor

for three years...

Alice, Rita.

Alice, Rita,

come out front now.

in New York.

I've had enough.

But those creative,

giddy Lee Strasberg days

are but a distant memory.

Now I can't even afford

my flight home.

Please get dressed.

I have a huge debt.

Get dressed.

I've just had

my electricity disconnected.

Please.

My Visa bill

is at 17.9% interest.

I have been a waitress

for about 10 years now,

and the only job

that I have been offered

recently is in porn.

[whistling]

[woman giggles]

So what I really

wanted to ask you all

is if anyone has any tips

on how I might change my life,

I would really

appreciate hearing them.

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

But as one miserably

failed human being

to a bunch of probably

enormously successful ones--

which you must be

if you can afford to eat

in this overpriced,

rat-infested shithole--

I'm merely asking

what the f*** am I meant to do

with my life.

Just keep walking.

I am so sorry.

Nothing like this

has ever happened before.

Just gather up

your things.

- I'm so sorry. Um...

- Good night.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry.

[man]

I've never seen anything

like it in my life.

[woman] Do you wanna go

somewhere else?

Major muff.

I have no f***ing power.

Oh, you do.

You're like Carrie.

You know what you

should do tomorrow?

What?

You should go

to the museum

and look

at really old things.

It'll put everything

in perspective.

What, so that

I can fully realize

how totally insignificant I am

in the grand scheme of things?

Exactly.

You're such

a f***ing victim, Abi.

Alice.

Here's your bonus.

Thanks again.

All things considered,

you were great.

You'll all

be pleased to know

that thanks to Abi's

performance tonight,

we've made about 10

in tips in total.

You're so anguished

and artistic,

but all you're really

good at is complaining.

Wow. You think

I'm good at something.

Do you know, Abi,

you've never been

anything but rude to me?

Have you ever asked me

about the dreams and hopes

of my life journey?

Hmm? Do you even know

my girlfriend's name

or whether she still

is my girlf--

Do I have sisters?

Was I beaten as a child?

I am 23 today.

No. You are fired!

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Ladies.

I had some

friends here earlier.

One of them lost

a libretto.

I don't suppose

you've seen it.

Anyone seen a libretto?

No. Sorry.

No?

What a shame.

What the hell

is going on here?

[music plays]

Al Bowlly.

You know Al Bowlly?

Oh, yes, of course.

Wrote hits,

died in the Blitz.

# Whether to 30

you've grown #

Whether to 40

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