I Think I Love My Wife

(drumroll)

(rousing orchestral

fanfare playing)

(fanfare ends)

(gentle acoustic

melody playing)

(woman, backup singers singing)

BRENDA:
Honey, you got the baby?

(singing continues)

RICHARD:
Yeah, yeah, I got the...

I'll get the baby.

I thought you had him.

(baby crying)

(singing continues)

- ( crying)

- RICHARD:
Coming. Coming.

Oh!

( crying)

(singing continues)

RICHARD:
Daddy's got you.

Daddy's got you.

Where's my kiss?

Come on. Come on.

RICHARD:
Come on. Come on.

(singing continues)

You're doing it wrong.

What are you talking about?

You don't even know what I'm doing.

I can tell by the cry.

Come on, take Kelly.

Come on, take Kelly.

I got this.

Go ahead.

Hey, my big boy... Hi.

(singing continues)

BRENDA:
Aw...

That's my big boy.

Oh, yes...

RICHARD:
Hi, I'm Richard Cooper.

And that's my wife Brenda.

We have two incredible

children, Brian and Kelly.

We've been married

close to seven years.

My wife is beautiful,

intelligent

and a great mother.

But there's more

to the family.

This is Hannah Thomas and

her boyfriend, Mr. Dave Boyd.

They have a cousin named Jacob.

PIZZA OWNER:

Hey there, welcome to Pizza Hut!

How can I help you?

HANNAH:

Hi, Hannah Thomas here,

I just wanna have extra cheese,

pepperoni, and bacon stuffed pizza.

That's all I want for dinner please,

thank you!

MR. BOYD:

See you later after work,

Hannah!

You know what is worth?

It's the perfect life.

There's just one problem. :

- I'm bored out of my f***ing mind.

- (singing ends)

Now, I'm sure I'd have

a much rosier outlook on life

if my wife and I

actually had sex,

but there always

seems to be something wrong.

No, my face hurts.

It's not your birthday.

We both work, we're both tired,

but that's no excuse.

To be honest, I don't know

how much more of this I can take.

Richard, do you think

perhaps you work too much?

Oh, no, no, no.

L-I work, too. I do.

But I come home from work, and

I have to take care of the kids,

and I have to take care of you.

And frankly, I'm tired.

I'm tired.

Too tired to wear

a nice pair of panties?

What's wrong with my panties?

They're huge!

You know, the biggest thing

on a pair of panties

should be the tag.

That's all I want to see:

Tag and ass.

Tag and ass!

BRENDA:
You see? You see?

- This is what I'm talking about.

- Mm-hmm.

You see how insensitive he is?

You know, Brenda,

maybe I'd be more sensitive

if you'd have sex with me.

It seems like the only time

she wants to have sex with me

is to make a baby.

The only time you want

to make a baby with me

is to have sex.

That doesn't make any sense!

Well, that's because I'm tired!

Now we're making progress.

RICHARD:
I hated that therapist.

She wasn't married

and didn't have any kids.

You know,

when you're on a plane,

you kind of want a pilot

with more experience than you.

But maybe that's just me.

Now, what I can't figure out

is how can my wife

not have sex with me,

and then send me out

into a world with so many

beautiful women?

That's like dropping me

into the ocean

and expecting me to not get wet.

I mean, every single woman

that I see

I have an imaginary

relationship with.

Like this one.

Ah, she's got beautiful lips.

But if we got married,

how long would it be

before I got tired of those lips?

How long would it be

before those lips

called me an a**hole?

And look at her.

What a smile.

She looks happy now,

but if I was married to her

for eight years,

I'djust be thinking about

that phone bill.

I don't know.

And look at her.

Look at those eyes,

those cheekbones.

She's like a painting...

a painting I'd love to mount.

No matter where my head is,

when I get to Manhattan, I'm fine.

I love the city, rats and all.

I love myjob.

I'm an investment banker

at a mid-size firm.

I'm one of the only blacks

at the company.

As a matter of fact,

there are so few blacks here,

I think I know every black

person that works for the firm.

Morning, Pam.

Howdy, Mr. Cooper.

Morning, Ron.

Good morning, Richard.

(hip-hop music playing

through headphones)

( elevator bell dings)

#Yo, f*** the cracker #

#That's what I say #

#And f*** these b*tches

that always want to play #

# I'm the type of nigga

that is never gay #

# If you f*** with me, I'll

put your head in cake #

# If you f*** with me, I'll

shoot your moms at your wake #

# If you f*** with me,

you made a big mistake. #

(phone ringing)

Okay.

Tracy...

this is what we're

doing today, all right?

Seen George?

I'm right here.

See you later, Mary.

George, your wife is on

the phone, and Veronica called.

Wife? I don't want to talk to her.

Find out what she wants.

Call back Veronica.

Rich, you want to

go over that stuff

before Landis gets in?

Sure, just,

uh, take off your coat...

Good morning, everyone.

Cooper, how's the Coleman account?

Incredible. The Narco funds are up.

LANDIS:
All right.

Let's get to work, people.

(phone ringing)

TRACY:

Pupkin & Langford. Please hold.

Pupkin & Langford.

Lunch?

Well, I got to ask.

Come on, you know I hate the crowds.

By the time you get your

food, you got to come back.

Well, have fun all by yourself.

I'm gonna get a quick bite and

then get on the Coleman account.

See ya.

RICHARD:

Hey, I got nothing against George,

but I just hate going to lunch

at the same time

everybody else does.

It's just way too crowded.

Look at this mess.

It's just not the New York

that I like.

Now, at 2:
00,

it's a different story.

Things slow down.

That's when I like to go out.

I can eat,

or I can go shopping,

or I can just clear my head.

And I can also watch women

and get a good look.

'Cause I know I will never

see them again.

Now, you can't look

at a woman in the suburbs.

You stare at a soccer mom

too long,

and they'll post your name

on the Internet.

(bell dings)

(typing)

Can I help you find something?

Just looking.

Have you seen the new Prada suits?

No, that's okay, that's okay.

Excuse me, sir, would you like to try

a new fragrance today?

Nah, that's okay.

- Oh.

- (spraying)

Hey! Don't spray that sh*t on me.

It's really good.

Hi, I'm Candy.

Can I help you with something?

Do you have this in blue?

You know, I think you

should try this green one.

Uh, l-I don't really wear green.

Okay, but this green is hot.

Come on. Trust me.

Let's go try it on.

I'm telling you, I don't like green.

(smooth jazz tune

playing faintly)

That looks great on you.

You think so?

Absolutely.

It's sexy.

I love it.

I just don't like wearing green.

Yeah, but you should

start wearing green.

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