I Think I Love My Wife Page #9

- Okay.

- Right?

See a bullshit chick flick,

whatever she wants, and you take

one of these and you f*** your

wife like you're a porn star.

You keep Viagra in

the glove compartment?

Yeah, right next to the Altoids.

I may not look like Brad Pitt,

but I can f*** like him.

Seriously, take this.

Show Brenda a good time.

And stay away from Nikki.

You got a good wife.

What are you doing?

I got a date with the

intern from the third floor.

Goddamn!

She's 23.

Might need to take two.

And you're happily married?

Good night.

All right.

(sultry jazz playing)

RICHARD:

I'm gonna take George's advice.

Because even though he cheats

on his wife and pops pills,

unlike our therapist, he's married.

That was incredible.

I know. Fantastic.

Next time, we got to take the kids.

Absolutely; they'd love it.

How long you think she's been out?

(giggling):
Hours.

You know, sometimes I

think they put her to bed.

Probably. Yeah.

Look, I'm gonna go

check on the kids.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

I'll check on the kids.

I'll get rid of Rebecca,

then I'll see you upstairs.

Okay.

Gotta go.

Wow, when'd you get back?

Just got back.

Gotta go.

Oh, the kids were

really great today.

I'm sure they are.

Gotta go.

They all went to bed about 8:30.

It was really cute.

They came up with this little song.

All right.

"The Gotta Go Song."

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.

(woman singing romantic song)

(whispers):
Daddy loves you.

(singing continues)

Ooh!

(music stops, Brenda snores)

(woman singing resumes)

(song fades)

(panting)

George, we got a problem.

It better be a problem.

It's 3:
00 in the morning.

Hey, I took that Viagra pill

you gave me,

took it around 11:00,

and I'm still hard!

Yeah, so what's the problem?

I'm still hard, George.

I've been hard for four hours.

This thing won't go down!

Well, did you relieve yourself?

Did I relieve myself?!

Yes, I've come,

like, three times,

and I'm still hard, and

it's all because of you!

Who the hell are you talking to?

Are you talking

to some little b*tch?!

Are you... are-are you talking

to some whore in my house?

No, no, no, it's

George, it's George.

George?!

What kind of down-low sh*t is that?

Look, George, I gotta go.

Uh, it's not what you think.

Oh...

I did this all for you.

Oh, for me?

I wanted to have great sex

with you,

so I got a Viagra pill

from George,

and I came upstairs,

and you were sound asleep.

And I've just been hard

for, like, four hours.

You've been hard for four hours?

Honey, you gotta help...

you gotta, you gotta, you go...

Don't... Keep that

thing away from me.

(sighs)

What are you doing?

You know what that commercial says.

Well, i-if you've taken a Viagra

and you've had an erection

for longer than four hours,

then you call a physician.

I'm calling Dr. Caruthers.

It's 3:
00 in the morning.

I know, and he's...

and he's not in.

Okay, so-so what are we gonna do?

(sirens, horns blaring)

Okay, about how much longer

before we get to the hospital?

About 15 minutes, sir.

Are you sure you only took one?

Honey, honey, if you took more

than one, just say something.

L-I just took one, okay?

That's it!

No, this ice isn't working.

Wh-What do you mean,

the ice isn't working?!

How's your eyesight?

Is it clear? Is it blurry?

Uh... it's a little blurry.

It's a little blurry.

Wh-What's that mean?

Could mean nothing, or it

could mean you're going blind.

You're suffering from severe priapism.

I don't think we have time to wait.

I'm gonna have to do

something about this now.

RICHARD:
What's going on?!

I'm going to have to perform

a therapeutic aspiration.

Oh, my God.

You-You sure?

A-A-A th-thera what?!

Therapeutic aspiration.

I'm gonna stick this needle

into the side of your penis

and draw blood directly

from the cavernosa.

Get the f*** out of here!

- Shh!

- I promise you, it won't hurt.

- You'll just feel a pinch.

- Brenda, Brenda!

Hold him down.

Oh... no, no!

No, no!

- Yes! Yes!

- No, no, no.

It's not gonna hurt.

Don't worry about it.

Pull over, pull over.

No, no!

(scream echoing): No!

(woman singing romantic song)

(singing continues)

RICHARD:

After all my drama,

looking at other women

just made me mad.

Look at her.

She should do that sh*t at home.

F***in'skank.

And look at this one-

send an e-mail, slut.

Nobody wants to talk to you.

(sultry laugh)

And look at this one.

Okay, I'm not mad at her.

I mean, who could be mad at her?

But I'm not gonna look.

I'm gonna just keep on going

'cause I am done

making stupid mistakes.

From now on, it's family first.

(all singing children's song)

(applause)

(gentle theme playing)

( children laughing)

RICHARD:

All right, we're gonna start with these accounts

and then work our way

to the new ones.

You better order in, 'cause

we got a lot of work to do.

(knocking)

Miss me?

RICHARD:

If she had called,

I could have hung up on her,

no problem.

But seeing her in person

so close, I was defenseless.

(sighs)

NI KKl:
I have a fianc now.

Sean.

( chuckles)

Get out of here.

You're getting married?

Yeah.

Nikki Tru is walking down the aisle?

I'm closing the deal.

Sean is in real estate.

What happened?

Uh...

I was at this party.

I was talking to this guy-

I don't even remember

what we were talking about-

and... this little

And he was like,

"Oh, excuse me, I got to..."

Then it hit me.

You know, I'm 32 years old.

I'm the old b*tch at the club now.

Think it was

the first time in my life

I was talking to a man

who wasn't even thinking

about f***ing me.

So, then I met Sean.

And I said to myself,

I got to make this work.

So we're getting married in June.

And I want you to meet him.

Wow.

Let me get this.

You always get it.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

(Kelly laughing, squealing)

(Richard laughing)

Ah! Almost got you!

Daddy's gonna get you.

- ( chuckles):
Hey.

- Hey.

How was work?

Pretty good.

Uh, remember Nikki?

She-she came by today.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah, she's getting

married to some guy.

Great.

Yeah, I hope he has insurance.

( chuckles)

Uh, Rebecca

and Brian

- are waiting for you.

- Thank you.

I'm gonna get Kelly.

(growls playfully)

( car alarm chirps)

THERAPIST:

Yeah, I am so glad

you two are making such progress.

I wasn't sure we'd make it this far.

Yeah, I just decided

to stop complaining

about all the things

I didn't have

and start appreciating

the things I did.

That is what I want

to hear from both of you:

Getting along

and appreciating what you have.

So, how are things physically?

Oh, well, um,

well, well, we're not

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