I Was a Male War Bride

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Ah, Heidelberg!

Oh, Sergeant!

Which is the quickest way

to Heidelberg, please?

- Uh, head down this street for four blocks.

- Uh-huh.

You turn right. You go straight ahead

until you hit the autobahn.

There are signs all the way.

You can't miss it.

Thank you, Sergeant.

What have you decided?

We don't know.

I know. Drive.

"Captain Henri Rochard,

French Economic Mission. "

- Hey, Joe, we'll need you as interpreter.

- Never mind, Sergeant.

- We'll get along all right.

- Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Whom did you wish to see?

The, uh, "O.I.C., A.M.G., W.A.C."

Ah. First floor.

Turn to your right.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Hmm. War Administration

Industrial Relations...

Coordinator's Office.

Service of Supply Displaced Persons

Property Disposal Department.

Uh, Labor Administration

Department...

Inter... Inter...

I beg your pardon. I'm looking

for Lieutenant Gates's office.

- Well, this isn't it.

- Isn't it?

- Right over there, Captain.

- Thank you.

Yes, sir. Yes, Colonel.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes...

Oh, it's you.

What do you want?

Mm-hmm. One nightshirt. Gown.

What do you call this thing? Gown.

- Henri!

- One pair of bloomers...

- two pairs of stockings... and a run in one of them, I believe.

- Henri, please!

Just a moment.

And one slip.

I think that's all. I'm sorry

I couldn't get them to you any sooner.

Good-bye, Lieutenant Gates.

Oh, what a stinker you are.

- Did I forget something?

- What a dirty stinker.

And you're going right back

and explain...

how you got my laundry by mistake

in Dsseldorf and forgot to give it back.

Well, that's such a dull story.

Who would care?

- You know what you made them think.

- I don't quite understand...

Oh, no! You mean, you and me?

Why, I'd be glad to explain to them.

The very idea of any connection is revolting.

- Oh, no, you don't. Never mind. Just...

- I'd be delighted.

I'd explain to them

I think you're repulsive.

Shh! I said never mind.

Just forget it!

Go away. You've had your joke.

Now beat it.

Sorry, I can't oblige.

I'm here on official business.

- Oh, don't tell me. Another mission?

- Yes.

- But don't get your hopes up. You're not going with me.

- Thank heavens.

- Who's your victim this time?

- My interpreter and aide is a Lieutenant Eloise Billings...

- whom I'm reliably informed is intelligent...

- Yes.

- Pretty...

- Yes.

And, as you Americans say, stacked.

That she is.

You haven't met her?

No. But that happy event's going to take

place in Major Prendergast's office...

in exactly, uh, 30 seconds.

Good-bye again to you,

Lieutenant Gates.

- Where are you going?

- Major Prendergast's office.

- There's nothing for you to do.

- Isn't there?

- Wait. If you...

- I'm in a hurry.

- Hello, Eloise.

- Hi, honey.

May I present Captain Rochard, Lieutenant

Billings. You two are going to work together.

- Enchanted, Lieutenant Billings.

- How do you do, Captain? I was just...

I believe we have

a mutual friend, Alex Brissac.

- How nice.

- Why, sure. I remember him.

Lieutenant, due to the fact that I was on

previous missions with Captain Rochard...

he just returned some of my things...

perhaps I can be of some help to you.

Thank you. I can explain things to Lieutenant

Billings. Don't you have somewhere to go?

- Oh, no. I'm free until 2:30.

- Well, about this here mission...

It's a simple matter.

It's an overnight job.

We have to go to Bad Nauheim,

a pleasant little village, and...

- Or it will be till you get there.

- Oh.

Well, I can explain the whole thing

better to you when we're alone.

Better wear side arms, Lieutenant.

He uses maps instead of etchings.

Captain Rochard, I've so looked forward

to going to Bad Nauheim.

Billings, the French army shoe is

built on slightly different lines. It...

- Ooh.

- Hold the foot, would you, Junior?

- Yes, yes, yes.

- As you can see by Captain Rochard's foot and my thigh.

- For goodness sakes!

- That was purely accidental.

- The mark on my chin... May I have my foot?

- Mmm.

Thank you. The mark

under my chin was an accident.

- My fault entirely. I tripped while he was chasing me.

- Chasing you?

- Will you shut up?

- There. You see?

Something I would never have mentioned

if he hadn't shown it. His temper.

But the poor man's probably not to blame.

More like a form of epilepsy.

- Will you shut up!

- I tell you this...

Will you shh... shh...

Henri, I'm talking.

Yes, you are.

I tell you this because we're members

of the same army and the same sex.

I think it only fair to warn you Jack the Ripper's

up that alley before you head into it.

In case anything happens, would you like to

give me your mother's name and address?

- But, honey, that's what I've been tryin' to tell you.

- Oh?

- I'm not goin' on this here mission.

- Tell me...

- You're not?

- I'm goin' to Frankfurt with Colonel Bliven on that D.P. Job.

- But who...

- And you're goin' with him.

- Tell me, who is Jack the...

- Oh.

Honey, maybe you'd better leave me

your mother's little old name and address.

- Oh, hello, Captain Rochard.

- Good morning, Major.

I was just going to send for you, Gates.

Come in, please. You too, Captain.

This shouldn't take long, Captain. Gates,

Billings is needed on another assignment.

- You'll have to take her place along with Captain Rochard.

- Thank you, no.

But, Major, if I may suggest, Lieutenant Perry

is almost finished with her assignment.

No. No experience. And Captain Rochard

wants our best, don't you, Captain?

Well, uh, Major. You see,

this is not an important mission.

My government's request for an officer

is only a technicality, so that...

Your orders call for our full cooperation.

It's my job to see you get it.

Now, here's your identity card, security pass

and temporary ration card.

- Thank you.

- Your orders are being cut, Gates.

- Captain Rochard will brief you on the mission.

- Yes, Major.

Well, Major, this Lieutenant

What's-her-name... Perry, she ought to do.

Oh, you're very kind, Captain,

but we're used to being shorthanded.

Besides, if I remember, you've had several

assignments with Lieutenant Gates before...

and very successfully, apparently.

It says here, "Recovered art treasures stolen

by the Nazis from the Lille Museum.

"Also located hidden documents

relating to rocket research.

Received Legion of Merit. "

- Ah, she's your man, all right.

- Wish she were.

- What was that you said, Captain?

- Oh, nothing, Major.

- Is there anything else I can do for you?

- No, thank you, Major.

- You've done more than you realize.

- Good luck then.

- Good-bye, Major.

- Good-bye.

- Captain, Jack the Ripper was a famous...

- Thank you.

Oh.

Thank you, Captain.

I wonder what the army would do

if I deserted.

They'd shoot you.

The thought makes my mouth water.

- I'd almost prefer it myself.

- Which way do we go?

Well, let's get the briefing over.

What's the job?

- You don't need to know.

- Oh, come on. Come on.

What's the job?

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