Ice Guardians Page #10

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If you know the opponent's

injured or he can't fight,

out of respect, you just kinda

like, let him be.

Or if that guy had just

gotten called up,

and instead of comin' up

and whackin' you,

spearin' you,

'n says,"hey, y'know

if I don't do it tonight,

then I'm gonna get sent down."

Then you're like, "I gotcha, kid."

There's many a'times that...

a heavyweight would come over

and say, "We're gonna go now"

And I'd say, "How 'bout

at the start of next period?"

I'm just at the end of a shift.

I'm done.

And you're the bigg est guy

on the team right now

and I'd rather be ready.

So we'll be fightin' in the

second period, not right now.

OK! Sounds good.

Oddly enough,

the guy that you're squaring off against

probably understands

a lot more about your role

and your day to day... mentality,

Especially come game time,

than all those teammates

and other people that you live with

because he's doing the same thing.

We don't wanna hurt the other guy,

but we do want to hurt the other guy.

It's a catch-22.

Sometimes even before

the linesmen get in,

you're tappin' each other

on the back, sayin' "good fight"

and you skate off.

There's been a number

of times where I've... y'know

...got punched in the face,

punched people in the face

and later that night,

I've gone, had a beer with them.

It's almost like two warriors

looking back at their careers

and saying, "Hey, you know what...?"

"We made it out the other side."

And forever they'll have

this, sort of... unspoken bond.

It all seems wildly entertaining

until something like this happens.

You never like to see another player

y'know, unconscious on the ground

thinkin' that you did that to them.

You deal with it and you

make your decisions

based on adding all those

different pieces up.

People say, "Do you feel bad?"

"Do you feel bad about...

That fight with Westgarth?

You knocked him out cold."

The simple answer's "No."

I don't feel bad about the things I did

because they're not done

in a malicious way.

Not everyone's wired the same

but... that's my viewpoint.

I guess... y'know, some guys

have beaten some guys up

to the point where maybe

they feel bad about it.

In the heat of the moment, you don't.

It's a conflict.

I probably... should lie on the couch...

For a long time.

And discuss this to get it outta my...

y'know, get it straight.

I don't think

an enforcer feels bad about it

because he understands

what it brings to the table

and he sees the big picture.

No, I never did...

but I know guys that did.

I know Derek Boogaard

was a guy that hurt me real bad

We ended up playing together after that.

We actually sat down and spoke about it,

as teammates now...

I was taken back by the fact that

he was actually worried about me.

He's like

"Y'know, I'm sorry about that."

I was just like

"Man, don't ever say that."

I would've done it to you

in a heartbeat.

If I could do the job and

win the fight without...

...causing bodily harm,

I wished I coulda done that.

But, uh, the people that I...

did it to...

were enforcers as well

so they, they knew the risk.

I coulda been on the other end of that.

We all had a choice.

You're not there because

somebody held a gun to your head

and said, hey this is the

role you're gonna play.

If I get knocked out,

I'm not gonna be mad at

the world or the establishment

for putting me into a hockey fight.

I mean, I chose that path,

I chose that role.

I chose to fight that guy

and the circumstances,

whatever they'll end

up being are... y'know...

Are up in the air.

There's a bigger message in that act.

So, apologizing for it

was never something I was...

I didn't...

Think about it.

Because I didn't think I had to

apologize for... y'know,

doing my best.

Once was bad enough, twice was shocking,

and now for the third time since May,

an NHL player has died.

A few years ago...

Rick Rypien died.

Wade Belak died.

Derek Boogaard died.

It was an incredibly sad time

for the NHL as a whole.

I mean, to lose three young players,

two of whom were still playing.

I fought two of 'em.

I've had three or four fights

with Wade Belak.

I fought Derek Boogaard twice.

And y'know, being two guys

that are in my role, y'know...

it really hit home for me.

They're my brothers in hockey

and brothers as enforcers too.

It's a sad thing.

They were all tough guys.

And the natural, kneejerk instinct is

"Well, they were fighting

and they died..."

"They must have died from fighting."

It certainly was horrible.

It was unfortunate.

And anyone who said it was

just a coincidence got derided.

Oh, you're an ostrich in the

sand, burying your head.

You have to wake up to the realities...

that now this role has a body count.

A lot of people...

Especially in the media,

they wanna tie

personal problems to the game.

He's a hockey player.

"So everything the hockey player does...

must be tied to hockey."

If a player is

playing in professional hockey

for 10-20 years,

they're gonna go through a

whole run of other experiences

that don't relate to the sport.

The tendency is to say that

all the problems were caused by the fact

that they were an enforcer.

Or that they fought in hockey.

Whereas it completely

ignores the fact that

they have a whole life

outside of hockey.

They have a family, they have tragedies,

they have all these other

elements that are going on.

You've gotta be pretty nave to think

there's not an alcohol and drug problem

in any professional sport.

I mean a lot of guys get

hooked on painkillers,

sleeping pills, anxiety stuff.

There's a whole lot of things

that guys have issues with.

I think everybody has...

in their own personal lives,

has had someone close to them

or someone they know

suffer from addiction

in some way, shape or form

regardless of where you come from.

It doesn't discriminate against

who you are or what you do.

Millions of people deal with

mental illness and drug addiction

that are not enforcers.

So it's not really

that, y'know, strange to think

that within our small community

of enforcers,

there's people that don't

deal with it as well.

"Live hard, play hard."

That was the mentality

back when I was...

You could drink as many beers

as you can the night before

and make sure you show up

to practice the next day

and that was the mentality.

And I just thought I was living...

The "pro" life.

Goin' to parties, have a good time,

doin' some drugs

and that's where it would end.

But now I'm 26, 27 years old

and I'm grabbing as much

cocaine as I can

with as much booze as I can,

I'm turnin' my phone off and

I'm lockin' myself in a room.

27-year-old kid, living my dream.

I'm at the top of my profession

...I can't look at myself in the mirror

when I'm brushing my teeth

in the morning

because I'm disgusted with

where drugs and alcohol took me.

It took me to a very, very dark place.

I wasn't drinkin' and

druggin' because of fighting.

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