Identity Thief

Hello? This is Sandy Patterson.

Yes, Mr. Patterson.

I'm Janine from the

Fraud Protection Department

of Identi-vault Credit Monitoring Service.

We're calling today because, unfortunately,

it appears that someone

has attempted to steal your identity.

Are you kidding me?

Gosh, I wish I were.

We did catch this in time, however.

But I do suggest you taking advantage

of our free total protection plan,

which safeguards your credit rating

against theft and fraud.

Yes, please. If it's free, absolutely.

Just terrific. I went for this plan myself.

Mr. Patterson, I'm gonna need to

verify some information from you.

I'm gonna need your

full name, date of birth,

and Social Security number, please.

Sure, understood. Here it comes.

What can I get for you?

I'm gonna have a melon ball.

And some tequila. And let's start a tab.

You got it.

And keep it open.

My friends can't make it.

Here I am, stuck with

all these premium tequila shots, so...

That's what we're drinking.

No.

My name's Sandy.

Hi, Sandy.

Okay. Cheers.

Mmm!

Let's get another round.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Another round on me!

Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!

Who the hell is she?

Who cares? She's buying free drinks.

Let's go!

When I say "Sandy," you say "Patterson."

- Sandy!

- Patterson!

- Sandy!

- Patterson!

Who wants another drink?

We do!

Enough. No more.

Ma'am, get down.

Who here wants to see me

swing on that chandelier?

No, no, no. You can't be up there.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

Uh, yeah, yeah, you can hear me,

because you're answering me.

Whoa, I didn't hear that either.

Here we go, b*tches!

Ma'am, you've gotta get down.

Oh, sh*t.

Whoo-hoo!

Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!

It's over. Show's over, okay?

You, you're out of here.

You're done, come on.

No. You're out of here.

Go back behind the bar

and start making more drinks for my friends.

These aren't your friends, okay?

They like you because

you're buying them drinks.

People like you don't have friends.

- I think we're really hitting it off.

Don't you? -

Sandy Patterson.

That's me.

You're under arrest

for assault and public intoxication.

I don't think that's accurate.

Blow into this.

Oh, my pleasure.

How did I do?

Huh. Look at that.

Happy birthday, Sandy Patterson.

Sh*t.

All right, cheese! There it is.

Happy birthday, Sandy Patterson.

Happy birthday, Daddy.

Thank you. Thank you all for coming.

- Make a wish.

- Here we go.

Bravo!

That's great. One lungful.

I made you this, Daddy.

Thank you. Look at that.

- Did you see that, Mommy?

- I did.

Looks very expensive. Did you steal it?

This looks very expensive.

Little thief! You know what

happens to thieves? Huh?

Let me tell you what happens to a thief.

This is your punishment.

- Be careful!

- Just the face!

There it is. That's what you get!

Do you see? Don't steal things.

All right, let's get a knife,

I want to start on this.

Come on, not on your birthday.

After rent, utilities, gas and phone,

we saved a little this month.

Ooh! How much?

$14.03.

Half of that's mine, you know.

You're welcome. Invest it wisely.

What about your bonus?

They got canceled again.

It's the financial industry,

I can't exactly argue things are going well.

- You're gonna get promoted.

- Mmm-hmm.

You're going to. It's fine, we're fine.

I know. We are pregnant, though.

I'm pregnant.

Look at me. We're fine.

Until braces and college and weddings.

Maybe this one's a boy

and we can send him to work.

Like, in a mine.

Yeah. It's a reasonable plan.

Oh!

I have one more present for you to unwrap.

Oh!

Why don't we...

Let's go, let's go. Let's go to a room.

I rented a room in the back.

- Patterson.

- Hi, good morning.

Good morning.

Hey. Did I ask you to pay

for the Westfield sweep account

under the holding corp?

Yeah.

Sh*t. It was supposed to...

Supposed to be under the subsidiary,

so you could roll over the qualified plan.

I did it both ways. I had a feeling.

I knew you would.

I'll e-mail it to you.

You're the best, Patterson.

- Sandy.

- Yeah?

Cornish wants you in his office.

- Hey, cheese dick.

- Cheese dick? Me?

I wanna talk to you.

- You got a minute?

- Yeah, sorry.

What have you been up to?

Oh, I just got here, actually.

Just starting...

- I got the thing.

- Oh, you got the thing.

Uh-huh. Well, we could go...

Okay, well, we'll meet then.

I'm gonna need you to do something for me.

- That one mine?

- Yeah, you.

Anything. She said come on in.

All right, good.

- Was that...

- Yes.

You're not gonna. Good.

All right, thank you. You, too.

You process all the in-house

accounts, right?

I do.

I need you to cut some bonus checks for me.

Bonus checks! We have not...

Oh, that's great.

We have not had them for three years,

I heard we weren't getting them again.

Yeah, it's not a company-wide bonus, though.

It's only on the partner level.

It's for retention.

Not for us.

The checks are being cut to the people

on that list, who are all partners,

but the retention program is to

keep the entire company healthy.

But there's no money going to...

We survived a terrible,

terrible moment in our history,

and we retained 60% of the workforce.

Lost 40, though.

Those are pretty impressive numbers,

so I think everybody

should be happy about this.

Well, this is great news.

I don't understand the tone of your voice.

You're acting like it's a...

No, I was just so excited

because we haven't had

the bonuses for three years.

The company's doing well,

I thought maybe this was the day.

Okay. Just because

Harry Cornish gets a bonus

doesn't necessarily mean that Peterson...

What's your first name, Peterson?

It's Sandy Patterson.

Was that rough?

The first name is... No, it's Sandy Koufax.

Oh, right.

My dad was a big ball fan.

Let me go cut these checks.

You watch baseball?

It just sounded funny, the way you said it.

I'll leave that one alone,

it's your dad.

Oh, yeah. No.

Seriously, though,

what is it exactly that you do?

I manage the in-house accounts, sir.

So, essentially, you do what the program

that my wife uses, called Quicken, does.

- Well...

- You put numbers in boxes.

You could train a baboon to do it,

if you had to.

The fact of the matter is,

the economy is changing.

People like me are important.

We bring the money in

and pay people like you with it.

You understand?

You know what? I'm gonna get

you a copy of The Fountainhead.

You're gonna read it, you're gonna

understand why this is good for everybody.

All right. Let's do it today,

because I gotta get on the plane,

'cause I gotta go to Tahiti.

You're gonna go to Tahiti today?

Yeah, I'm going today.

Not private, either. Commercial.

- Sure.

- We all have to take a haircut.

- Private would be excessive. Not you.

- All right.

Man.

Sandy Patterson.

Hello, Sandy,

I'm Jeanette from Lady's Choice Salon.

I'm calling to confirm your

appointment for this Friday at 3:00.

Sorry, you've got the wrong number.

Oh, is this Sandy Bigelow Patterson?

Rate this script:2.3 / 3 votes