If I Were You

Hey. I'm on my way home. I just have

to stop off and pick up some groceries

Give me a call if you hear back.

I can pick up the dry cleaning.

Hey Paul, I was just calling you.

No, no, I had a client meeting outside

so I'm out of the office. I'm at...

What?

Again?

No. No, no.

It's okay.

You're the one who's gonna have

the horrible evening.

God, that audit is

going on forever.

Ah. No, I won't wait up for you.

I'll probably just fall asleep

in front of the TV.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Hi. Table for one?

- Oh, no, I just want to take out.

Do you still have that chocolate cake

with the crushed almonds. - Yes.

My husband used to love that. If I could

get a takeout for two, that'd be great.

I'll check if we have any left.

I'm so sorry.

We just sold our last... slice.

Hello? - Sorry, I don't know what

came over me, but, I just forgot

what time you said you

would be home. - Late.

Oh... late.

Yeah... right. Okey.

Well, let me let you get

back to your audit.

Okey.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Paul!

Paul, wait!

Paul! Wait! You' re not serious?!

- Stop it, Lucy.

Paul, you can't go!

- Stop it!

Lady, are you buying something?

- Y-yes. Sure, sure. - What?

A newspaper.

Hi.

Huh?

What?

A rope.

- Hey, what is she saying?

What would you like?

I want...

- Hey, what is she saying?

What would you like?

- I want a rope.

I want a rope!

Rope.

- Rope?

Okeydokey.

One rope is coming up.

Is it a good length?

- Yeah.

I'll take this too.

Oh, no, no. Listen, this is not for sale.

I'm saving it for tonight...

- How much do you want?

Just take it.

Who cares?

She gave you over $200.

Why she would do that?

What can I say?

People like me. - What on earth

would she want a rope for?

Are you gonna pay for that?

Excu... are you all right?

What difference does it make?!

Yeah?! - I... we just met in the

hallway just now, and, I think

I saw you earlier in the store

and I just want to make

sure that you're all right.

I'm fine.

But you, you don't seem fine.

- I'm fine! - Sorry.

Okey.

Listen. This is gonna sound really

strange, but how do I know that

you're not standing on a chair

with a noose around your neck?

I really, really, really don't

want to get involved, but...

Oh, good god.

Okay.

It's... it's all right.

Nothing is ever gonna

be all right again.

Ever.

Oh, no. Stop that... young lady,

stop! Stop drinking. Give me that.

I'll get you some water.

Alcohol is a depressant.

It's the last thing in the world

you need right now.

Y-you're, like, the nicest

person I've ever met.

Why would you do this for a

complete stranger?

Oh, well, enough about me.

Okay.

What happened to make you so... sad?

I can't... I can't talk about it.

- Well, sometimes it's good to talk.

No, really open up, spill

out all the gory details.

I'm itching to.

- I'm absolutely sure.

There's this man.

I love him...

and I thought we were

gonna get married,

have children, a life together, but..

But... - If I tell you this, you're

not gonna like me anymore.

Well, I'm sure I'll like you just as

much as I... like you right now.

Are you married?

- Yes.

But I'm a big girl.

- He's married, too.

Small world.

- But he doesn't love his wife.

Paul and her got married when

they were practically children,

and it hasn't meant anything in years,

so I thought he was gonna leave her.

But tonight she kept

phoning and phoning and

he thought she sounded suspicious.

So he said he had to go home

before she checked up on his alibi,

and I said, "Well, why

not tell her the truth?" Right?

Isn't it meaner to let her

think she's paranoid

and then in a month say, "Guess what,

I love someone else", right?

I mean, a clean break

hurts less, right?

W-what do you think?

Well, what I think has

no... relevance.

But you must have an opinion.

- What did he say?

He said I can't understand

what it's like to be married.

And whose fault is that?

How could he go home to her?

We should be making love on this couch

like all those other, wonderful times

and he...

Do you think this means he

doesn't really love me?

Well... he said that his marriage to...

I don't know her name.

He calls her "the wife."

Ah. The wife. - He doesn't like talking

about her. It makes him uncomfortable.

I'm sure it would.

But, he did say they haven't

had sex in two years.

What kind of a woman

must she be, right?

I can't go two days without sex.

Who can?

I mean, II've been

multiorgasmic since I was 8.

How nice for you.

Are you sure that he's telling

you the truth? I mean, I know marriage.

I know marriage

and I'm sure that

they still have sex

sometimes.

Well, that's...

You think he...

He's been lying to me?

If he's just been using me,

I don't think I could take it.

I-I'm just gonna take it in...

Hello?!

No, no, I'm not at home.

Well, when you said that you

were gonna work late,

I decided to, to go visit my mom.

Join me? No. No,

that's not a good idea.

Oh, when will I be home?

So many questions.

Well... it'll be a while.

Yeah, I'll be right there, mom.

I got to go. Bye.

Okay.

So, you were just

getting ready to tell... oh, no!

Just let me die, please.

Young lady, listen.

Listen, listen, listen, please.

Suicide is an impulse act.

If you'd just wait a little while,

I'm sure you'll change your mind.

That's right, I should do it

really fast, okay?

Just, can I ask you a favor?

If I just get brain damage

do you promise to hold

a pillow over my face? - Oh, my God!

I feel dizzy.

What's wrong?

I haven't eaten yet.

- I'm so sorry.

Do you want some grapes?

Oh, my God.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's Paul. What do I do? - What?

Oh, you're asking me? - You're so wise...

Don't answer it.

- Hi. I'm sorry.

He wants to come over.

- I guess his wife isn't home after all.

What about your wife?

Yeah.

He says he doesn't

care what she thinks.

Well, then why doesn't he

just ask her for a divorce

instead of coming over here...

for...

You're so right.

Paul, I refuse

to see you again until you ask

your wife for a divorce.

That was smart, right?

Yeah. I hope so.

I've always been attracted

to older men.

I slept with my english

teacher when I was in Madrid.

And when I came here as an

au pair, the dads...

Well, the au pair thing

didn't work out.

But, just between you and I,

I'm not as young as I seem.

Oh, no. You couldn't be.

When Paul and I get married,

I don't want one of

those dead marriages, you know

where those couples have

nothing to talk about.

but what chores to do,

what TV show to watch.

I'm gonna have sex three

times a day until we die.

Jesus, three times a day.

How would you even find the time?

What do you do?

- I don't know.

How can you not

know what you do?

Well, really, I'm an actress.

But I haven't had a part in a

while, so I do temp work in offices.

That's how I met Paul.

I was taking some papers into his office.

The door was closed, so I

thought they'd gone out for lunch.

You know, I just opened the door,

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote