If I Were You Page #2

and he was just there at his

desk, his head in his hands, crying.

He was crying?

Yeah, he was crying.

He told me later that he felt

like his life meant nothing,

like he might as well

be dead already.

Well, we all feel like that sometimes.

I mean, even I feel like that sometimes.

But do I screw the office temp? No. I-I...

I wake up every morning and I do the

laundry and I cook and I go to work

and I visit my mother, who doesn't

even remember who I am.

Okay, sometimes I... watch TV.

I talk about what groceries

I'm gonna buy.

But you're nothing,

nothing like Paul's wife.

You're so different.

You're so kind.

Your husband must love you so much.

No.

He doesn't.

Are you sure?

- Yeah.

Does he have affairs?

Yes. At least one.

Oh, my God. That's terrible.

Is it still going on?

- Yes.

Oh, sh*t.

Well, what are you gonna do?

You mean am I gonna go

buy a bottle of scotch

and drink it straight

from the bottle? No.

Am I gonna put a noose

around my neck? No.

Pills, I can get pills.

Women can always get pills.

And who cares if one day you just happen to

take too many? Not your husband. No, no.

Then he can live happily ever

after with a bouncing bimbo.

No. I can't die.

I need to stay alive so that I

can destroy his future happiness.

I actually have a reason to live.

For a minute there, I thought I didn't.

Oh, my God.

You're not who you've been

pretending to be tonight.

What?!

I recognize you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- I-I'm sorry.

I thought you were one of those

people that are, you know

happy with a nothing life, a

boring marriage, an office job.

But you're not. You're like me,

and you're so much like me!

I am nothing like you.

We are exact opposites.

Give us any situation, situation "x",

and you would choose to do "b,"

while I would do "a."

And even when I was your age, I

would not have slept with a

sobbing businessman.

I would not ever be an actress.

I would never be a poet or an astrologer.

Actress and astrologer are not equivalent.

- Well, they're close enough.

It's true, there was a moment there

where I was a foot reflexologist.

But that's scientifically

proven, so it's...

My point is, that I would do

everything differently if I were you

and you would do everything

differently if you were me, too.

Although it's hard to imagine

that our lives could be

any worse than

they are right now.

So how much worse would our lives

be if I would do what you would do

and you would do

what I would do?

That's such a brilliant idea!

- What idea? I haven't had an idea.

No, but you're right.

We've been feeling and thinking

and deciding for ourselves,

and our lives are a mess.

We should try the opposite!

- Decide one thing and then do the other?

I mean like, like I get to

think what you should do, and

you get to think what I should do,

like when you told me to

stop drinking and not kill myself.

I would be drunk and dead

if I'd made up my own mind instead of

letting you make up my mind for me.

Maybe that just means that...

I make better decisions than you do.

No offense, Madelyn, but

your life sounds crappier than mine.

My life sounds crappier than yours?

I'm not the one married to a

man who's cheating on me.

Look at it this way, we're

both self-destructive people or

we wouldn't be involved with men

that treat us like sh*t.

But we would not be

self-destructive if we were

making decisions for someone

else, 'cause I don't want to destroy

your life and you don't

want to destroy my life.

No, of course not.

So, the way to fix our lives is to

stop making our own decisions

and let the other one

make them instead.

Not on little things, like

"what color lipstick should I wear?"

I'd go pinker if I were you,

but on, on, on the big stuff, you know?

We call each other before we

decide anything major.

You would really do

anything I said?

Thank you so much.

I didn't realize I didn't have any money.

No, no, it's okay. I got it.

So, should you stay with your

husband or should you leave him?

I should...

- I get to decide. I'm the objective one.

Subjective.

I always get those two mixed up.

- Obje... objective.

Objective.

Okay. Think.

Okay, if he loves her, you

should kick him out.

If he loves her, you're gonna

get dumped soon anyway.

But maybe... maybe

he doesn't love her.

Maybe she's just some bimbo. You know,

how long have you been married?

A long time. - And would you throw all

those years away over some silly fling?

Yes. - No. - No.

- No. You're such a nice person.

If he still loves you, you'll

find a way to make things work.

And if not, once the bimbo is out

of the picture, you dump the creep.

So, first step...

You have to find out who he

loves - you or his girlfriend.

Okay? So you go home and ask

your husband, what's his name?

Fred. - Fred. You say,

"Fred, do you still love me?"

And then call and tell me what

he said and I'll tell you what to do next.

Okay. - Okay.

- I feel a little bit like

Alice in wonderland.

Oh, my god! I spent half

my life feeling like that girl.

Isn't that incredible?

- Yes.

Wow! We're so much alike.

- No, we're nothing alike.

There you go.

That's your mission.

And when I hear from Paul,

you'll get to tell me what to do.

Okay. I go this way.

I have to take the subway.

You don't live in my building?

No.

I... I saw you buying the rope,

and I-I followed you home.

Oh, my God.

You really are the kindest

person I've ever met.

Hug?

I'm gonna work so hard

to make you happy.

Bye!

- Okay. Bye-bye.

Good night.

Don't... Call me.

What are you looking at?!

Hi, mom.

Henry?

No. It's me.

I got you something.

Do you want it?

I got you some ice cream.

Here you go.

Now...

It's your favorite.

Thank you, Henry.

Hey. I'm in here.

You've been working

late a lot of evenings.

Yeah. Work's been rough.

Are you...

Are...

Do you still love me?

Of course I love you.

God, visits to your mother

always get you down.

Uh, where's my sweatshirt?

On the chair.

I'm just gonna go catch the

end of the game.

Okey, I've asked him.

- And what did he say?

He said he loved me, but I don't know

that I believed him. And frankly,

I don't know that I care.

So, now let's talk about what I

want you to say to your married man.

I've got it! You have to tell your husband

you're in love with someone else.

Why on earth would I do that?

- To see if he gets jealous.

If he doesn't love you anymore,

it won't be that big a deal,

other than the male ego - you

know, "is my penis bigger than his?"

If penis size comes up, just

tell him they're both the same.

That takes the whole penis

issue off the table.

But if he gets really angry and

the penis thing if off the table,

that means he loves you.

Then call me, but not till after

midnight so I can tell you what

Paul said about the ultimatum.

Wait. Uh, u-under this,

the rules of this pact thingy,

you're not allowed to call him

until I give my permission.

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