If I Were You Page #3

Well, I'm not calling him.

Every night, when his wife

is brushing her teeth,

he calls me

to say he loves me.

You didn't brush your teeth.

- I don't feel like brush my teeth.

You always brush your teeth.

- Well, not tonight.

But you never miss.

You use your electric toothbrush.

You said your dad had gum disease.

You want to be safe. - Good night.

It's three o'clock.

- Oh, my god! The nursing home... my mother!

Hello?

- He didn't call me.

I'll be right back.

- Is it the nursing home?

No.

It's 3:
00 in the morning.

- He didn't call.

And you were supposed to call me

after you told your husband you

were having an affair.

Well, I haven't told him yet.

- Why not? - Because I got sleepy.

How can you sleep

when you don't know if

you're gonna be married tomorrow or not?

Well, maybe now it won't be so easy.

- Why do you think he didn't call?

Maybe his wife forgot.

to brush her teeth.

Oh, no, no, no.

She always brushes her teeth.

She's got, like, this obsessive

thing about her gums.

Paul thinks it's stupid, but

he's afraid to tell her

'cause he thinks she will make him

listen to more gross stories

about her dad's teeth falling out.

No wonder he doesn't

love her anymore, right?

Who would want to live with

someone like that?

Hello?

Hello?

Madelyn?

Who was that?

Who was it?

- That was a man, a man I am seeing,

a man who's so crazy about me,

he calls me in the middle of the night.

A man who loves every

single thing about me!

Hej!

Hey, I made breakfast...

Your favorites - french toast,

coffee, orange juice.

I think I'll just go straight to the office.

- Oh. Okay.

I'll see you tonight, then,

right?

Hey, we should, go for dinner.

We haven't done that in a while.

Just tell me who he is!

French toast.

Oh, my god!

Oh, you're his first choice.

I'm so happy for you.

I really hope this plan works

out for me, too.

I wanted to be his only choice.

Oh, yeah. Well, I want to be the only

choice, too, but, you know,

maybe that doesn't happen -

the whole soul-mate thing.

I don't need a soul mate.

But if there's going to be a second,

at least let it be a distant second,

You know, "distant enough that

you don't have sex with" second.

Okay.

Maybe a... drunken kiss at the

christmas party. But that's my limit.

And now I'm supposed to

stay married to a man

who has a really close second and has

suddenly decided that he wants me

because he's jealous of

an imaginary somebody.

It's a fake f***!

It just seems like a really puny life.

Well, maybe he was lonely or

busy with work, and she was

right there saying, "hey, big boy.

You look like you need a hug."

We're all human.

But to risk... everything...

for a...

- A slut.

It's hard. I know.

You know, when we retire...

were going to move to Asia...

For a little bit, for a year.

Do you know where that is, Asia?

We've been saving

and saving for it.

We even talked about moving to

the south of France.

Do you know that if you live, more

than commuting distance to Paris

it doesn't cost any

more than living here?

But you're way too young to

think about retirement.

Retirement is what people

like us look forward to.

Retirement is, you know, when you finally

get to do what makes you happy.

Our goal is to retire as soon as

humanly possible.

And now I won't even be able to

have my home.

I will grow old alone.

You live your life according to

certain ideas and expectations.

And then suddenly...

It's gone.

But why not forgive him?

He was willing to

forgive your affair.

You'd be even.

- I didn't have an affair.

Well, yeah, but that's

so easy to fix.

It's not like it's hard to find

a man who wants to f***.

I don't want to f*** another man.

- But it would fix everything.

And sometimes, you have to

think outside the box.

Oh, I-I've got to get to work.

But w-we haven't

talked about me yet.

Paul hasn't called.

Should I call him?

No. Definitely do not call him.

I was afraid you'd say that.

I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum.

You know what? Being a second

choice is not that bad

and gradually you can work

your way up closer and closer

to the first choice until

maybe, one day, you get to be her.

What if he's dead? That's the worst

thing of being the other woman.

We never know when they're dead.

Who's gonna send us an

invitation to the funeral?

Oh, my god.

Do you think he's dead?

Men who don't call are never dead.

- Okay.

And you have to

get on with your life.

You can't keep waiting

for him to call.

He is my life.

What about your career?

Well, that's a big word,

for a tv commercial and a walk-on

in a fringe festival play.

Oh, my God. Career.

I'm so late!

Okay, but what

do I do today?

I want you to...

think... right?

Think. About...

How to make your career something

that is more than just imaginary.

Okay, I can do, okay.

And what else?

I'll call you. - When?

- Soon. - Soon? Okey!

Hi.

- They're all waiting.

Sh*t. This... this put in my office.

- Yes.

Here she is.

- We had to start without you.

You know I hate talking

to these people.

Hi, hi, hi.

I'm Madelyn Reed.

I'm here at Jameson research,

we conduct research on...

everything from the,

latest economic trends to

marketing strategies to...

and this is where you come in,

individual purchasing decisions.

Okay.

So...

My colleague Keith here...

- Hi. - Hi.

Is going to show you some...

covers for the latest cookbook.

"Smart heart meals

for the happy family."

Okay, let's start off with some

general questions.

Maggie, is this the kind of

cookbook you would buy?

Yes. I would definitely buy it.

I love their kitchen.

Their kitchen... good.

Kit-chen.

How about you, Tyler?

I think it could be a good

birthday present for my mom.

My dad's had heart problems.

What about you, Sam?

I don't like the wife.

What do you think of the wife, Sarah?

- I love her earrings.

Earrings.

- I just don't think she's very hot.

Well, she's making lunch for her husband,

so how hot would she be?

Another opinion. Carla.

- She's smiling, but I don't think

she looks happy.

Well, again, making lunch for

the husband, okay?

So what do we think

about the husband?

He's kind of cute.

- Yeah.

Cute. Well, it's easy to be cute when you're

the one being waited on hand and foot.

But, what does she have to do to

get him to make lunch for her, huh?

Sleep with the mailman?

Madelyn?

- Can we get another opinion? Lindy.

I like his smile.

Really?

Well, I think that he looks

just a little bit smug.

See here in the second one?

Right there?

I don't know...

- No. Look, look, look.

Do you really think that he

appreciates her?

Here she's gone to all the

trouble to make him this really

lifesaving meal, and he's probably

sitting there like Sam over here, thinking

"Oh, wait. She's not hot anymore.

And if I'm gonna stay alive,

what I need to do is shtup that bimbo."

What bimbo?

- I don't see a bimbo.

There's always a bimbo.

And even if you get over the first bimbo,

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