If I Were You Page #4

there's gonna be another bimbo,

because, you know, it's not

like people fall for the bimbo

because of the uniqueness

of the bimbo.

But that doesn't mean that the

bimbo will last forever, because

the illusion of immortality is not

the same as immortality itself!

Okay? Mr. Smug face over there can

f*** all the bimbos he can get,

and at the end of the day, he

will still end up alone.

If you think

that once the bimbos go to

wherever it is that bimbos go,

that you can crawl

back to that wonderful,

wonderful wife who has made you

all those beautiful lunches,

then, you've got another thing

coming, you bastard!

Madelyn, are you... all right?

Why don't you go to my office?

- Excuse me.

I'm just gonna go get something

I left in my coat pocket.

I'm very sorry.

Madelyn?

- I know how to open the door!

This is most unexpected,

but don't move.

We'll be serving coffee.

Bimbo.

Just a minute.

What's wrong?

- Nothing. I just... I got thirsty.

You're our most reliable employee.

- Don't call me reliable!

Reliable is good!

I used to think so, but I'm

not so sure anymore.

Okay, I know I shouldn't drink,

but life feels so painful drunk

that I don't want to know what

it feels like sober.

These just came for you.

Aren't you lucky?

Pretty secretary.

They're always so pretty.

Ah. "To the love of my life. Paul."

- Is it your anniversary?

Nope.

Oh, my god. He was unfaithful

with some bimbo.

Yes.

Oh, my god. Yes.

I'm being traded in

like an old car.

Oh, it is so good to finally have

someone sane to talk about this with.

This is the best

day of my life.

Surely not.

I've known that these

are bad times, Keith, but

I've never thought of you

as a cruel man.

I have something to confess.

Well, can it wait for an even

more wonderful day?

Oh, sh*t. My phone's ringing.

This is not soon!

Was that Paul?

- No.

It's just someone that I made

a really strange contract with.

It's complicated.

It's really complicated.

Oh, Madelyn.

I've wanted to say this

since the first day

you walked into the

office, looking for a job.

The moment I saw you

all decked out

in your gray suit and

black pumps, I knew it!

I love you.

You love me?

- With all my heart and soul.

You love me?

Well, I mean, I've always known

that, you like chatting with me,

but I never knew that

you loved me.

There's so many things about my

life I don't know.

What else don't I know?

Maybe I have secret superpowers.

Let's seize the moment!

What... what moment exactly?

They go by so quickly.

Oh, Madelyn, just say the word.

- What word would that be?

Say yes!

- But to what, exactly?

To me.

But...

- No, no, no. No buts.

But, but, but...

You're married!

Madelyn, one word from you

and Lydia's gone, history.

Oh, look. My bottle's empty.

I'm just gonna take a...

A mental-health day.

You know, seldom more deserved,

but under the circumstances, a

highly unachievable goal. - You...

You will at least think

about it, will you?

Honestly, I'll do my very

best not to think about it,

but I'll p-probably fail.

So this is the best

that I can do.

Yes!

If this man you're seeing...

Paul.

I love to say his name.

Paul.

- Yes, if this Paul...

and his wife decided that

starting a whole new life

with whole new people

was just too exhausting,

what would you do?

- I'd kill myself.

But wouldn't you think,

"Wow! A whole new start"?

No, I'd kill myself.

- Okay.

How did that thinking

on your career go?

Well, I looked at the list

for this week's auditions,

even for parts that don't pay,

and there's nothing.

Okay.

Well, let me look at it.

Here.

You're so nice.

I thought you'd forgotten

all about my problems, and you've

been thinking so much about me.

Thank you.

Let me see here.

Get out the old...

Okay. You don't need these.

Okay.

Aha.

Gang member...

Carjacker, hit man, hooker...

Aha! Shakespeare.

Ha! What could be better?

A TV commercial?

- Ah, but a play!

It's long!

And commercials you don't

have to learn so many lines,

and I can use my speciality.

Your speciality?

Want to see?

- Oh, yeah.

See, I turn away and then look

back and give a little smile.

It used to have a wink in it, too,

but this director told me

it was too much.

Just tell me which one

you prefer. I'll show you.

No wink.

Wink.

But you can do

more than that.

Not that much, no.

I flunked dance classes, and...

You flunked dance classes.

Okay. Okay.

Well, you just have to

keep trying.

We can all do more.

No, that's what we do.

We work hard,

we get better, then we analyze our

mistakes, we work hard again,

and we get even better.

That's life!

And then somebody pulls

the rug out from under us

and we wish we were dead,

but let's not think about that.

Okey.

The relevant point is that if

you were in a play right now,

you would not be pining over...

- Paul?

Oh, look.

Auditions at 7:
00 tonight.

Maybe you'll be discovered.

Maybe you'll

move to California.

They'll laugh at me.

- You're just nervous.

I hate auditions.

Just sitting there all alone,

waiting for someone to call your name

and then they just say,

"Stop! Stop!"

And what if Paul comes

and I'm not home?

You have to do what I say.

Remember, I did what you said.

I asked my husband if he loved me

and then I told him I was

sleeping with an imaginary man.

Going to an audition is a lot

less than that.

I'll go if you come with me.

- Nope. That is not part of...

Wait a minute.

That is actually a great idea,

because if I go and

I see that they

do laugh at you...

- Yeah.

We can start looking at

alternate career options.

Because you do not need to

spend the rest of your life

waiting for a man to call.

Oh, excuse me.

Is that Fred?

- No. Keith.

He's a co-worker who just told

me that he's in love with me.

Oh, my God.

See? I told you.

It's so easy to find

someone to f***,

and he loves you,

so it's great!

You just f*** this, Keith,

and then you and your

husband will be even for real.

You can't

make me f*** him!

That's just too much of a pact.

Oh, please don't be sad.

We'll find someone for you to

f*** that you like.

Maybe we'll meet someone

special at the audition.

down from the waist,

they are centaurs,

though woman all above.

Don't even think about it.

but to the girdle

do the gods inherit,

beneath all are fiends

there's hell, there's

sulfurous, there's the pit

burning, scalding,

stench, consumption!

Fie! Fie!

Phones off!

Just pick it up anywhere.

Anywhere at all.

Keith, can't talk.

say 'aye' and 'no' to every...

Why do we need a breakfast meeting?

We can cover that campaign at the office.

No, we don't need

alone time, Keith.

when the rain came...

Could we have silence, please?

- Sorry.

Goodbye. Don't call back.

the wind to make me chatter...

and the thunder would not

peace at my bidding.

there...

I'm just gonna put it on vibrate, okay?

- Yeah.

there, I smelt them out.

Next!

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