If I Were You Page #5

What shall Cordelia do?

Love and be silent. Oop!

Then poor Cordelia!

And yet not so, since I am sure

that my love is more richer

than my mouth.

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing, my lord.

nothing shall come of

nothing, speak again!

They are so much

better than me.

unhappy that I am,

I cannot heave my heart...

You can't be as bad as that.

You really think so?

Sure.

Some people are born

with more talent, but

it's not rocket science.

It's just pretending.

You're pretty.

And you're...

Pretty.

Any no-talent idiot that works hard

is bound to be better than that.

Wow!

If my family had given me that

kind of encouragement,

my whole life

would be different.

those duties back as I as

are fit, obey you, love you...

I'd be the one sleeping next

to Brad Pitt right now.

why have my sisters husbands,

if they say they love you all?

happily, when I shall wed...

That lord whose hand...

What? Keith, what?

What? No. No.

It's not great news that my husband

is in love with another woman.

No, I don't think that's how

God answers prayers.

I must have silence!

I'm sorry.

So young.

Oh, my god.

So young and so untender?

Thank you. Thank you.

That will be all. Thanks.

Stop. Stop!

Next.

Where am I?

Fair daylight?

I am mightily abused.

What's this play

about anyway?

I should even die with pity,

to see another thus.

I will not swear these

on my hands.

Oh, it's my husband.

- Let me talk to him.

I don't know what to say.

- Let me talk to him.

Why?

I'll tell him what a bastard he

is for cheating on a saint like you.

Give me the phone.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, I can't talk right now.

No, not because I'm in

bed with someone.

Not yet.

I know I'm not at home.

So what? You go out all the time.

Why can't I go out sometimes?

not an hour more...

No. I did not agree to

have dinner with you.

No, no, no, no, no.

You said, 'let's have dinner.'

and I said, I don't know what

I said, but it wasn't 'yes.'

I am not with my lover.

No, I'm definitely not naked!

You cannot tell by my

voice that I'm naked.

Okay. Why should I?

You don't tell me everywhere you go.

Why should I tell

you where I go?

No, please don't say

that you love me!

Because!

I don't believe you anymore,

and I am so sick of your lies!

No. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I like your lies.

Bring on the lies.

What?

Because I didn't know that life

was this shitty little nasty thing

and I don't want to know!

So just spoon me full of ice cream

and tell me...

That love lasts forever.

And that all dreams

come true.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Just like my mom. Aha.

Hello, dementia.

I'm over here.

What?

No. No.

Don't... Shut up!

Just shut up! I am not

the love of anyone's life

and this is not about

who I'm f***ing!

You're hired!

The audacity of it!

Just bursting into character!

I hadn't even thought

about a woman playing Lear.

I'm sorry, but I...

- She wants top billing.

And the whole

businessperson look, I like it.

She gets to keep the wardrobe.

That's a deal-breaker.

The corporate empire is

collapsing.

Lear is reduced to begging

on Wall Street.

The madness of capitalism!

- You don't... - She loves your ideas!

You have to suck up to the director.

You're young for the part,

but that's been done before.

Laurence Olivier played it at 39,

Gielgud at 26,

and people had their children much

younger in Shakespeare's day.

So, so, so... Should they

still be daughters or sons?

And who should play the fool?

Speciality.

Thank you, yes! Yes!

And, of course, I want to thank God.

Thank you.

I have a part in a play!

Shakespeare!

Does the fool has lots of lines?

You're gonna be nice and busy.

I want to play with my new

best friend. You can't quit.

And you have to do

whatever I say.

I thought that...

Mainly it was gonna be me

telling you what to do.

I'm older. I'm wiser. I'm...

better equipped to have information.

and, in this case,

I'm a big bitcher, pig bicture.

Big... Kind of person.

But you were so right.

I haven't thought about Paul...

For the last 20 minutes.

I haven't gone 20 minutes

without thinking about him

since the first time

he kissed me.

Do you want to hear

about our first kiss?

It was like the

best first kiss ever.

Maybe another time.

- Okay.

I really, really want to

kiss him right now.

Do you really think I

should not call him?

I'm sure.

Absolutely.

Start thinking about the play,

learning all the lines.

Well, maybe tonight when the

wicked witch of the west is

brushing her yucky teeth,

he will call me.

It just seems so strange.

You've always brushed

your teeth before bed.

Can't we just go to sleep?

Is...

his penis bigger than mine?

No, no.

It's an amazing coincidence.

They're exactly the same size.

You've measured them?

Why won't you tell me what you

were doing last night?

You wouldn't believe me

if I told you.

Oh, I'll be home late,

again, tonight.

Who is he?!

It's the office.

I better take it.

Well, you're heading out.

We'll talk later.

Oh, no. I'll wait for you

to finish your call.

You don't have to wait.

- I don't mind.

Go ahead - take it.

Where'd I leave the notes

on that audit?

I think they're upstairs.

This is Paul.

Damn it.

I got to work late tonight.

Yeah?

I'll talk to you later.

Who was that?

We need to talk.

No.

I'm not having the talk, okay?

You're not telling me you're

leaving me for another man.

Sit down.

I can't keep this up.

So... There is no other man.

Yeah, right. Well, then who

keeps calling you, then?

Just a... friend.

Just a friend. Okay.

What does that mean? Huh?

That you've seen him but you

haven't had sex yet?

Madelyn.

How far have you gone?

And where did you do it? Huh? Here?

Upstairs, in our home?

In our bed?

Why does the thought of someone else

wanting me suddenly make me irresistible?

I should go.

What's your hurry? Huh?

Is he somebody you work with?

I would like to think that if

I were having an affair,

it would be with someone

more interesting

than the men

with whom I work.

So help me god, if that's

him, I'll kill him.

It can't be him.

He doesn't exist!

Oh, f***!

I knew I should have spent

more on the flowers.

It was so unexpected.

The phone just rang,

and it was Paul.

I would have called you to see

if I should see him or not, but

he was in such a hurry, and

really, I mean, I have to see

him again someday, right?

It's not like our paths will

never cross again and

we could be really old and, "Oh, my God.

You were the love of my life."

So, he's coming

over here tonight.

Is it okay if I have sex with him?

If he called you, sure.

Yeah. Okay.

But if you called him... I

know you didn't, but if you had,

that would be different.

It would?

You wouldn't want to be a

home wrecker, would you, Lucy?

Okay, see you at

rehearsal tonight.

If you're not too busy.

Is this...

I'm confused.

Oh, my god.

Yellow roses?

His favorite?

My god.

I knew something was up.

This morning he was singing.

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