If I Were You Page #6

He only sings when he's happy.

I went online to check the

credit card, a florist,

but I had no idea.

My husband is gay?!

In my heart, I knew it.

I knew it the first

time we had sex.

Wait. Your husband is the one

who sent my wife flowers?

You have a wife?

He isn't gay?

Oh. Well, who is she?

Madelyn Reed.

Rings a bell,

but just a tinkle.

Do you have a photo?

Yeah.

That Madelyn?!

My husband is Keith Halbertson.

I knew it was a co-worker.

Don't tell her you know.

She'll just deny it.

And we need proof so that we can

soak them in the divorce.

Wait. Well...

What do we know?

Do you think they've slept

together yet, or...

Did we catch

them in time?

He... He calls her in the

middle of the night.

Oh, sh*t!

Just sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

I don't mean to be rude,

but I was just heading out.

How can they do this to us? Don't they

know how much they're hurting us?

Have they no morals?

To perform such

an act of cruelty, of...

selfishness, of lust,

a sin against good people

who promised 'for better

of worse, till death do you part,'

who'd look after them if they

had cancer or they went blind or...

or who would give

them a kidney.

What kind of scum

would do that?

Sneak around, lie,

have sex for kicks just

'cause they were bored?

My God.

There is nothing more

disgusting than infidelity.

Don't you agree?

I must love you.

And sue to know you better.

Sir, I shall study...

Deserving.

He hath been out nine years,

and away he shall again.

Ah, the king is coming.

The king is coming.

Your line.

Oh... Can you carry on

without me?

You're Lear.

Oh, I know.

Can I speak to you in private?

We have no secrets here.

We are a team.

One for all and all for one.

Team! Hurrah!

- Okay.

Well, I know you're depending

on me to play Lear,

because, well, I mean,

all the other Lears sucked.

And I'm usually very reliable,

and I'm usually sober, but,

I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

We believe in you.

We believe in you.

Okay.

What I mean is that I'm going

through something right now

with someone you know, and if

you only knew what it was,

you would

understand, okay?

And everything that I had...

everything,

everything is suddenly just gone!

You know, kaput! Pow!

And it's all been replaced

by madness.

Hold that feeling.

Why would I hold it?

It hurts.

You're so lucky.

You're already there.

Shh! She's coming.

Okay, don't say

anything that I said.

Did I say anything? Okay,

just act natural, act natural.

You're actors.

You know how to do that.

Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

What happened?

- He didn't come.

I guess he loves

his wife more.

I don't know how I'd get through

this without you.

I adore subtext.

She needs a script.

Thank you.

Aren't you gonna answer that?

- No.

What does that mean?

- It means I'm asleep.

Did you split up with him?

- He doesn't exist.

I know more than

you think I know.

I'll answer it. I'll tell the bastard what

I think of him f***ing my wife.

Hold it.

What?!

Hey.

I called the pastor for

you. He's on his way.

I don't really want to...

Speak to a complete stranger.

I'm sure he'll make you feel better.

He's a lot of fun.

He did card tricks at the

christmas party.

Well, in that case,

I think I'll just head down the hall and

get some coffe and make some phone calls.

If he does show up, tell him not

to wait around on my account.

Thanks for taking care of her.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I haven't turned

this thing off, day or night,

for the past two years,

just in case I got the call.

I got the call.

Me too.

Mother or father?

- Mother.

You?

Father.

Last one?

Yeah.

It's...

It's scary.

Why? We've been the

adults for a long time.

Maybe because we're next.

Do I feel more mortal? Yes, but,

little, little, little, too, you know?

Huh.

- Like a kid who can't go home

when she screws up because

home just died in her sleep.

Dad, I need money.

Mom, I quit school.

Dad, could you explain

women to me?

Mom, he broke my heart.

Those... were the days.

You?

- Oh, yes, please.

Favorite memories?

When I was 30,

I'd had a really bad miscarriage.

I had really wanted kids.

And everybody was saying

the right things,

you'll have other chances,

cheer up.

my husband said,

he was trying

to make me feel better,

he said, maybe we should

just save enough money

for a down payment first.

And I thought I had to say

all that same kind of crap.

So then, my mother came

to visit me in the hospital,

and, I said,

"I'll be fine."

and she just climbed up

onto my hospital bed

and held me and

just let me cry and cry.

That's my mom.

Wow.

You?

Well...

I decided on my 16th birthday

that I was gonna quit high school

and just hitchhike

all over South America

and nobody was gonna stop me.

Now, suddenly, I'm the

coolest guy in the school,

where I was

not popular at all.

I went home, and I'm packing up

everything in my backpack in my room.

My old man walks in.

He says, You know,

you can tell them

I wouldn't let you.

And I thought, how did he know?

I mean, I was petrified.

And I said, Dad, they're just gonna say,

'you should have gone anyway.

He said, Then you tell them,

I'll break every bone in your

body if you go.

This man had never even

laid a finger on me.

So I went back to school the

next day, and I said, my dad

stormed into my room with his

belt out, threatening to beat me

to a pulp if I dared...

He saved my honor.

What do you think is

happening to them?

You mean, like,

where are they?

Right now?

Right now.

- Or is this it?

It's over, the only

chance you get.

What do you like best

about being alive?

Less and less.

No, really, I mean, maybe

this is how it works.

If you're lucky and

you die old,

that your life has just become

so disappointing and so lonely,

so loveless, so empty,

so achy-breaky painful, that when

death finally does come along,

you say...

Where have you been?

Oh, come on. You're just

saying that to cheer me up.

But come on.

Give up spiked whiskey coffee

and nursing-home

waiting rooms?

Ice cream.

I like ice cream.

Wind.

I like, I love windy days.

Well, kisses.

Not, you know, kiss-kiss,

'see you later' kiss, but kisses like...

Like...

Like the first time you ever

kiss somebody.

You know? Kisses.

When was our last first kiss?

And did we even know

it was our last?

Then our first kisses were

gone forever.

I just had drunk sex with a stranger

in a nursing-home waiting room.

What do you do after

sex with a stranger

in a nursing-home...

waiting room?

I know. It's kind of...

Awkward.

Well, we're gonna have to...

Have to see each other again -

breakfast or something,

otherwise it'll be the most

surrealist experience of our lives.

Well, it would have some

competition for me.

Now, I've got a-a busy day.

I've got a funeral to plan.

Oh, sh*t. So do I.

Do you have any recommendations

on people who work...

I think, I'm gonna

use... Amberson's.

That's where I buried my dad.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote