If I Were You Page #7

- Amberson's?

Amberson's on Hunter?

- Yes. Yeah.

Maybe I'll see you there.

That is potent stuff. I mean,

I'm actually gonna, grab a cab,

leave my car here.

Do you want to share a cab?

No. No, thanks.

I just, I have phone calls

to make and...

I'll just... stay.

Okay.

Well...

Thanks. Bye.

- Thanks.

Don't say thanks.

- No, no.

I told you it'd be easy.

- I didn't even ask his name.

A complete stranger.

I love sex like that.

You had me at 'hello.'

Oh, and now you and your husband

can stay married, 'cause you'll be even.

I don't even know why I'm

doing the things I'm doing.

I don't know why

I just told you that

but who else would

I admit it to?

Well, you told me 'cause that's

what best friends do, right?

Uh, yeah.

And I have something to confess.

Paul didn't call me yesterday

morning. I called him.

You could tell, right?

Wow. You know me so well.

That's why I've always

wanted a best friend.

But he did call me today.

- He... called you today?

His mother-in-law died, so

now the 'wife' really needs him.

The wife.

How long do you

think he has to wait

until he tells her

he's leaving her?

Two weeks?

Well, I don't know that there's a

set time for that kind of thing.

Maybe I can google it.

But wouldn't it be great if he

came to the opening night?

And my dream is coming true,

I'm an actress!

Google it?

We that are young shall

never see so much

nor live.

So long.

We made it all the way to the

end of the play!

I can't believe I only fell off

the stage once.

Oh, it was twice.

That was...

That was...

That was...

So horrible.

So, so horrible!

Except for my star.

Bless you.

All of you were bad!

But then...

there was you.

Yeah. What was that

thing you did

when Lear says,

Oh, ho! 'tis foul?

You have no talent whatsoever.

Not a single drop.

You are a talentless void!

An empty pit of ineptitude!

Well, Madelyn says life is

not about talent.

Life is about working hard and

getting better bit by bit.

So I just have to keep trying.

And trying.

And trying.

You were great. Do you want

to hang out at my place?

I got to go home to Fred.

You can say it.

I should give up acting.

Maybe...

We shoud go hang out.

Court holy water indoors is

so much better than this

rainwater out of doors.

Good nuncle, ask thy daughters

forgiveness, for here's a...

something pities...

something...

night.

- I couldn't even do easy acting.

You know what?

I only got the commercial 'cause

I have nice breasts. See?

Lucy, come on now.

Take it from the top.

And this time remember,

it's night.

She's cold. - I'm never gonna

get it right. - Just keep at it.

How long is it gonna take?

Years! It's too hard.

Lucy, you were so happy

when you thought that you

were going to be a real actress.

I'm not happy now,

so I give up.

No. I decide, and

you're not giving up.

Now, come on.

Take it from the top.

Think about the words.

F***!

So you stayed out all night. That's great.

- Thank you so much for coming.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not as stupid as you

think I am, okay?

Thank you so much for coming.

- She will be missed.

Thank you so much for coming.

I know who he is, Madelyn.

Thank you so much for coming.

It was her time.

- We have a time?

Oh, yes.

I believe that.

That's nice for you.

- I f***ing know who he is.

This is a blessing.

- Really?

She's out of her misery now.

But... no more ice cream.

Thank... Oh, Keith and, your wife.

I didn't expect you.

Of course you didn't, but I

wouldn't have missed

this for the world.

Really?

Oh, Madelyn, Madelyn.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay.

If you need anything... anything,

you have my number.

Call me day or night.

We... will do anything we can.

But I'm sure what you most need

right now is time with your husband.

For this to happen to you

now, of all times.

But just remember, God doesn't

give us any more than we can carry.

Oh, God has some formula

where he can calculate exactly

how much pain to inflict

on each individual?

Isn't it interesting that things

that are supposed to be

mindlessly comforting are

really, really horrible,

you know, when you

think about it?

That's my Madelyn -

no bullshit. I love it.

Come on. Come on.

Give me another hug. Come on.

Take as much

time off as you need.

That doesn't mean we don't

miss you at the office.

We miss you so much.

- Well...

Speaking of 'no bullshit,' you

know, everybody's mother dies.

What is the big deal here?

Lydia! Show some respect,

for Christ's sake.

The old lady's lying dead in

that box over there.

Thank you so much for coming.

As it was in the beginning,

is now, and ever shall be,

world without end.

Now, I'm sure Margaret's

daughter would like to share

some memories of

her beloved mother.

Madelyn?

Would you like to say

a few words?

Well... I guess...

I didnt realy have

anything prepared.

I keep expecting her to walk

through the door and say, Hi.

Hi!

- Hi!

What can I say?

She's in a better place.

Her time... has come.

She lived a good life.

Oh, ye are men of stones.

Had I your eyes

and tongues, I'd use them to crack...

Heaven's vaults.

She's gone forever.

I know when one is dead and

when one lives.

She's dead...

As earth.

Keith always said you were

very good at your job, but

I didn't realize you

were such a talker.

Excuse me.

I am so sorry.

How are you? Are you okay?

Is there anything I can do?

- Yes. - Okey.

Do you have the time to go

someplace with me? - Yeah.

Want to duck in the coatroom

and have a quick go?

Death, be not proud.

No. I have another idea.

You better come over.

Hello.

I'm just gonna pop out and,

get some ice cream with...

I don't know your name.

Derek.

Derek.

- Derek.

Derek, this is my

husband, Paul.

Husband?

Paul.

Derek.

And you're...

Madelyn.

- Madelyn.

I'm Keith.

- Keith. - I'm Lydia.

Lydia. I hope I don't have to

remember all these.

Nice to meet you all.

- See you later.

Is that the undertaker?

- I don't think so.

This is really good.

Good ice cream.

It is. It is.

Oh, my God.

I got to go.

I'm gonna be late

for rehearsal.

I'm in a play.

Wait, wait.

What?

You're an actress?

No, no, no.

I'm just... this is just something

that my husband's girlfriend

wanted me to do.

Your husband's girlfriend

wanted you to...

It's not as bonkers

as that sounds.

Yes, it is.

What's the play?

King Lear.

I play Lear.

I've got to go.

I'm sorry.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You can't just...

Wait, wait, wait.

You can't just walk off like that.

You're starring in King Lear.

You're one in a billion.

If you only knew.

Listen, if you're free,

tomorrow night's

my dad's funeral.

It should be a rockin' good time.

It should be.

Will you join me?

I don't think that I can.

I just don't.

I'm sorry.

That's all right. I've been

turned down by lesser women.

I know what I want it

to say on my grave!

He slept with King Lear.

So farewell to you both.

- Prescribe not us our duties.

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