If I Were You Page #8

Let your study

be to content your lord

who hath received you

at fortune's alms.

You have...

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

- No, no, no, no.

I'm sick of people waltzing in

here whenever they feel like it.

You better have one hell of a

good reason for being late.

Well, what is it?

You're wearing black.

Let's hope somebody died.

It's a tragedy,

everybody dies.

That's why I prefer

comedies, happy endings.

Kisses.

We're waiting, Lucy.

Oh, nuncle, court holy water

indoors is so much better

than this rainwater out of doors.

Good nuncle, in ask thy

daughter's forgiveness.

Here's a night pities neither

wise men nor fool.

That's...

That is a remarkable

improvement.

Damn, I'm such a good director.

We should celebrate,

go out to dinner.

Today I ran into the stranger that

I had drunk sex with. - Okey.

My job is not yet done.

I officially forbid you from

seeing a guy you had sex with

when you didn't know each

other's names.

One day it's the hottest sex you

ever had, and the next day it's,

you play the accordion!

Really, it doesn't work.

- That's what I thought.

That's what you, we're

starting to think alike?

Isn't that great?

Let me try it.

Okay, so what would

you say if I told you

I really felt like calling

Paul and asking him,

Hey, how was your

mother-in-law's funeral?

You'd say... - Yes.

- What? - Call him.

Call him?

- Yes. Call him.

Funerals - that's the time when we

start thinking about our own lives

time slipping away,

'if only', 'if only'...

wouldn't it be nice to finally

know what's in his heart?

Yeah, but I don't know.

To me, it just seems...

a little bit rude.

Won't they be sharing snacks and

memories about the dead lady?

You'll know the truth.

Don't you want to finally know the truth?

Yeah.

Do it.

- Okay.

Okay.

He's not picking up. Hi.

What do I say?

What do you want

to say to him?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm here.

Sorry.

I'm just calling you...

I just want you to know

that I love you.

What happened?

He said, Jesus Christ. Leave

me alone. I'm a married man.

He loves his wife.

Are you going to be all right?

I'll be okay.

All right!

We've been through so much

together, I forgot how we met.

I'm not gonna kill myself when I

just landed a juicy role.

Shakespeare.

And I think I can do

a really good job at it.

And I'll become a star.

And he'll spend the rest

of his life missing me.

I'm okay.

So, who was the

man at the funeral,

and what have you been

doing with him for six hours?

You're not quite yourself, are you?

- That's true.

I don't know that I owe anybody

an explanation, but,

for the record, that man's dad died

the same night as my mother, and

we got to... talking.

And today I felt like he was the only

one who understood what I was feeling.

Oh, and how long has this

been going on?

Yes. You've been a busy girl.

I swear I met him for the

first time the night my mom died.

I said that Madelyn wouldn't

have sex with a man

whose name she didn't know.

She's no cheap slut,

for Christ's sake.

Wait, wait.

So Lydia was right.

He's not the one you've

been sleeping with?

What are you talking about?

- You bet I'm right.

Why are they even here?

Hard to get rid of.

You might think you're so smart,

but we know everything.

Oh, surely not.

Yes. We do.

The phone calls, the late nights that

all started before your mother died.

We said we'd keep it secret till we

had proof, but I've had enough.

We know you two

are having an affair!

No, we're not!

I didn't even know she wanted an affair.

- I...

You should have told me.

Though I know what

you were up to.

Oh, no.

Wait. Listen, please.

Can we just not

get into all that?

I buried my mother today.

Yellow roses!

On our credit card.

Yes, I sent her flowers because

her mother was dead, well, was dying.

Right?

Yes. Sure. Right. I told Keith

that my mother was dying.

You never told me that.

Because you were

busy being audited.

So... The man at the

funeral's dad died and

and Keith sent me flowers

because my mother was dying.

Questions all answered?

Great.

Good night.

- Wait. I have a question.

I am so tired, Paul.

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Because I love you, and I want

to know if our marriage can be saved.

Ask your question.

If it's not Keith and it's not

the man at the funeral,

who is it that calls you

in the middle of the night?

Do you really want to save

this marriage?

More than anything.

Then let's talk in the morning.

Lucy!

Lucy!

Oh, Paul, I missed you so much!

- Stop it. Get off.

How did you get her number? Huh?

I was so careful.

I didn't even tell you her name.

What? - Did you look at my

phone when I was sleeping?

How dare you do that!

What are you talking about?

- I know what you've been doing, Lucy.

You know about the play?

- Oh, stop playing games.

I know you've been

calling my wife.

Your wife?

- Oh, come on!

You might be an idiot,

but I'm not.

I checked her cell to see

who's been calling her.

What did I find, lucy?

Huh?

Your number!

I've never called

your wife.

Again and again.

When she's at work, in the

middle of the night...

In the middle of the...

What's your wife's name?

You know my wife is Madelyn Reed.

Why else would you be calling her?

But your last name is Jefferson.

She uses her own name.

Look, and will you stop trying

to come up with some excuse?

What? Like, you're just

randomly calling some woman

who happens

to be my wife. Jesus!

Why else would you be calling

her countless f***ing times?

We're friends.

Come on!

Really.

But I'm telling you the truth!

- Oh, sure. Absolutely.

You just happened by sheer chance

to become best buddies with my wife.

She must have seen us

the day we had the fight.

She said she followed me home,

but she never, never told me

she was your wife.

We made a pact.

She had to do whatever I told

her, and I've been doing...

Jesus. Okay, you have lost your mind.

This is like some f***ing

fatal attraction here.

Never call my wife again!

You understand?

And never call me or

I'll phone the police.

I'm gonna go home and just pray

to God my wife forgives me.

I'm sure she will.

I mean, after all, she

cheated on you, too...

With that guy she met

a couple of nights ago.

She saw him again yesterday.

What's his name?

Oh, right.

She doesn't know his name.

You know about him?

She tells me everything.

She said she didn't

have sex with him.

And what did she tell you about

her co-worker Keith?

Keith? She said she didn't have

sex with him either.

Really?

I can't believe you did that.

Lovely home. You're gonna miss it.

You do not play me like a game.

Yeah, I cheated on you, Madelyn,

but you know what?

Now I realize why I took up with Lucy

because deep down I sensed

you were already cheating on me.

What?!

Don't give me any more of your lies!

Lucy told me everything.

Oh, everything?

- Oh, yeah. And I'm not just talking about

the stranger you

had sex with, Madelyn.

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