If Lucy Fell

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Another wish didn't work out

Another nothing

we can scream about

All fall down.

Wake up, please, sir.

It's calendar day.

Mmm, Lucy.

Forget about calendar day.

All fall down.

Wrong answer, Dick.

She's so tall

with her hands up

I'm so small

whenever she's around

Someday soon

I'm gonna tell her but

I'm not twenty-one

Another dream didn't work out

So you found a way

to let it out

All fall down.

What are you doing?

It's calendar day. Wake up.

What time is it?

She's gone already, Joe.

One more wasted day.

Not true, Devil Girl!

All fall down

Come on, baby, be there. Come on, Janey.

Come on, baby.

Please, sweetheart.

She's probably got

some gorgeous man's face

in an unspeakable place.

Oh, Lucy, come on. Come on.

Yeah, hello.

My girlfriend Jane.

So who...

What's that, right there?

What's goin' on?

Oh, that's, uh...

That's... That's nothing.

That's... That's just

her brother.

That's her, uh... That's her...

That's her gay brother.

What's her gay brother

doing to her?

Because I, I don't have my glasses.

I can't see.

Oh, my god.

Why, that's just... Oh.

I mean, that should be illegal.

You just can't have naked

men wandering around.

That's just disgusting.

So, Joe,

don't you think

that this, this painting

you've done of Jane here

in the kitchen

is a tad incomplete?

That there might... Joe?

Okay. I, I can't really hear

any a**holes talking!

And if she, and if she

comes again and scares me

I'm gonna conjure up

a prayer to be stronger.

Okay, Dick.

Rise and shine, and leave.

Come on, Lucy.

It's Saturday. Let's snuggle.

Come on, dick.

Here's $5, all right?

I'm so small

whenever she's around.

Go buy yourself

a nice breakfast.

She's so tall

with her hands up

Al.

My best friend! I love you!

I love you!

Joe! Get the hell off me.

I'll be right back.

Dick, Richie, Rich, Ricardo.

Joe, have you seen my shoe?

Have I seen your shoe? No.

Come on, Lucy,

man, let's do this.

You all dressed?

Uh... Well, my, my shoe.

Oh, you can get it next time.

You are too brutal, Lucy.

Give the guy a break.

Bye, Dick. Have a nice time.

I'll call you.

You know,

you're doin' it again.

What am I doing?

Mushing my head out the door.

Could you not

mush my head out the door?

I wasn't mushing you.

You were leaving.

I can't take this anymore.

Lucy, I want you to decide.

After two and a half years

of sleeping with you,

uh, goin' to dinner,

um, uh,

not seein' anyone else,

meeting families,

I think I... I... I think I may

have given you a ring at one point?

Am I... Are we... Uh... Do...

Are we boyfriend and girlfriend, or no?

That's it.

Let me see.

Oh, Lucy.

Not the hug test again.

No, Dick.

What?

No.

Oh. I...

Bye, Lucy.

Goodbye.

Bye, Dick.

Missed a spot.

What is up with that guy, Lucy?

Dick? You know, Dick is Dick.

We're friends.

Listen, did you guys

used to, uh...

We used to.

Did you, uh...

Did you go down on him, or...

Sometimes.

Really?

Listen, I was wondering, do

guys like that better than...

Definitely.

Really? Absolutely.

You'd take that over that?

Any day of the week.

Huh.

Listen,

Does he have a, uh,

a big, uh...

Mmm. It's average.

Bigger than me?

Well, I don't know.

I've never...

Yeah, you have.

After I take a shower.

Yeah, but never in its full...

About 10.

Five.

No.

I said 10.

Five. Guys always double it.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

So if, uh...

If I had said, uh, six...

Three.

Really?

Mmm-hmm, three.

Jesus!

I know, uh... I know a lot

of guys that say six.

Three.

Joe?

Yes?

Remember that death pact

that we made in college?

Excuse me?

The death pact

that we made in college.

No.

That guy, Billy Gash,

had just dumped me,

and that girl

that you were so mad for,

she wouldn't even look at you,

talk to you or anything.

Her name was, um,

Betsy or, uh...

Belinda!

Belinda Slaughter. I was

completely in love with her.

She wouldn't even look at me.

I know.

I was devastated.

I know.

All right, Lucy.

What did we say?

That if, uh... If we didn't have

wonderful, intimate relationships

with serious familial possibilities

by the time you turned 30,

we would kill ourselves?

Yeah!

I am so happy to be an adult

and not have to suffer through

painful nights like that.

Yeah. That was pretty bad.

Can you believe that?

A death pact?

I know.

How old are you now,

anyway, Lucy?

What are you, like...

You're like, what, 26, 27?

Nope. 29.

When's your birthday?

It's like, uh, November 20th?

March 1st.

We have one month to go.

What?

Joe, we are two

disgruntled people,

dissatisfied

with our present lives.

Now, all I'm sayin' is that we should

kill ourselves to get ourselves going.

Okay, okay, Lucy? I'm going.

I don't need to die, okay?

I'm already going.

No, you're not going, Joe.

And neither am I.

The world is a scary place.

It's becoming painfully clear you're

the most scary thing in it...

Joe, Joe, listen to me. Listen.

We can't waste any more time.

You have to meet somebody

by the time that you're 30

so that you're together

for a few years,

so you know you have staying

power in the relationship

so you don't mess up

your children with divorce.

That makes you 33 by the time

you have your first kid,

which is the perfect age,

because then you don't hit menopause

until that child is at college.

Any other plan is a disaster, and

that's why we agreed on the pact.

Lucy, come on!

All right, we're coming.

Hold on.

You stay there, kids.

Now, we both believe in God and

reincarnation and all that stuff, right?

Yeah. Of course. Okay.

So why bother playing out

the rest of a sad life?

Divorce, unhappy children,

unrealized ambitions.

We're going to say, "If we don't hit

it in 28 days, we just end it."

Let God start fresh with us.

It's selfish of us

to think any other way.

Come on, Lucy! Come on!

Look, I don't want you kids listening to

her any longer. She's no longer stable.

Shut up, Joe.

Be quiet!

Thank you. Okay. Who's first?

Mmm, I think...

Eddy.

I like this guy Billy, but I'm

too afraid to talk to him.

Send him a note and tell

him exactly how you feel.

20 cents, please.

Oh, okay. I'll take

it in a second.

Okay. Let's see. Who might be next?

Sam, please.

I left a tooth under my pillow and the

tooth fairy only left me a quarter.

Okay. You go to your mother,

and you say,

"Mommy, if this is all

the tooth fairy can afford,

"I think she needs it

more than I do."

15 cents, please. Thank you.

I can't believe you take

money from these kids.

They like giving it to me. It

makes them feel like adults.

All right, kids. Class time.

You have therapy now?

Yes.

Thank God.

Come on, you little creeps!

Get in there!

Get in there, you nutty kids!

I have nothing to say.

Don't you think

that this whole process

is about getting to your

feelings of ambivalence?

Look, what I say isn't important.

It's what you say.

I'm sure that's what you think.

But I have nothing to say.

And I think we're out of time.

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