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Igor
And every time it rains
(THUNDER CRASHING)
Don't you know
each cloud contains
pennies from heaven?
You'll find your
fortune falling
All over town
Be sure that your umbrella
is up-up-up-up-upslde down
And trade them for a package
of sunshine and ravioli
IGOR:
Nice weatherwe're having, huh?
Here in the kingdom
of Malaria,
every dey's forecast is rainy
with a 100% chance of horror.
(THUNDER CRACKING)
It wasn't elweys
Ilke this, though.
Years ago, Maleria was
a sunny land of farmers.
Until the mysterious
storm clouds rolled
in and never left.
They killed our crops,
And that's when Klng Malbert
thought up a new way
for us to make money,
Evil Inventions.
The kind that
crush you, klll you,
bring you back to life,
then kill you again,
way worse.
We invent them, and the world
pays us not to unleash them.
Oh, It's a great gig,
especially if you're
an Evil Scientist.
Fame, fortune,
a rent-free castle
in the hills.
They get it all.
They're the top
of the heap.
Igor! Pull the switch!
Yes, Master!
IGOR:
And the bottomof the heap? Those are
the poor slobs like me,
born with a hunch
on our back, Igors.
Actually, that
Igor's not me.
Igor! Pull the switch!
Yes, Master!
IGOR:
No, no, no,that's not me, either.
(CAWING)
That's me.
See? I look nothing
much better-looking.
Anyway, all Igors are forced
to serve Evil Scientists.
Our life is a permanent
graveyard shift.
But I never wanted
to be an Igor.
an Evil Scientist.
Unfortunetely,
the hunch on my back
was a one-way ticket
to Igor School.
I majored in Talking
With a Slur and graduated
with a Yes Masters Degree.
Then, it was off
to find a job.
Hi, I'm here about
the "Igor Wanted"
and. My name's Igor.
Well, of course it is.
I've got a hunch
on my back.
What's my name
gonna be? Kevin?
(LAUGHING)
IGOR:
They didn'tappreciate my
creatlve style.
But eventually,
I landed a job for
Dr. Glickenstein.
Pull the switch!
IGOR:
Not thesmartest scientist.
His last invention
was an Evil Lasagna.
It didn't klll anyone.
And it actually tasted
pretty good.
DR. GLICKENSTEIN: Igor!
IGOR:
Igors aren'tallowed to invent,
but I still manage
to work on my own
inventions in secret.
And this new one
is gonna be the
one that proves
that I'm the biggest
Evil Genius of them all,
and not just another...
DR. GLICKENSTEIN:
(SHOUTING) Igor!
IGOR:
Once they seewhat I can do, I'll
have a whole new life,
and I'll never have to answer
Sorry Master.
What did you say?
Oh! I mean...
(GULPS)
(SLURRING) Sorry,
Master. I was in
the bathroom.
Had a bat stuck in the belfry, if you know what I mean. Master
I don t want to hear
your toilet memoirs,
you cretin!
I give you five
minutes a week to take
care of your business.
I'm not running
a resort here!
Now get over
there and...
Pull the switch!
Yes, Master!
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Who's the failure
now, Mother?
(ALARM BLARING)
(POWERING DOWN)
(GROANING)
(SOBBING)
Mummy, Mummy,
you were right!
I was never meant
to be a scientist.
I should have been
a plumber like you!
That was the first time
he was right all day.
You! Go find
me a 16- gigawatt
temporal transducer
Excuse me, Master, are
you sure you don't
mean 21- gigawatt?
You're correcting me?
Strike!
(CACKLING)
I should do more improve.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GROANS)
My hunch.
(BONES SNAPPING)
Oh, there she goes.
Much better.
(SINGING) Good evening,
friendsl
IGOR:
That's Scamper,one of my most
successful inventions.
I made him immortal.
Which is kind of a hassle
for him, since he doesn't
want to live.
Will nothing end
this vicious cycle?
IGOR:
I also made him talk.Which is a hassle for me,
No fair!
You wasted your
immortality formula
on the wrong guy, Igor.
IGOR:
That's Brain, oneof my other inventions.
Legend has it when
the smartest man
in the world died,
they put his
brain in a jar.
This is not that brain.
(SQUEAKING)
I wanna live forever!
I got plans! And dreams!
I got a squeaky wheel!
Was that me?
Really, Brain?
You want to be trapped
in an endless existential
nightmare,
forced to keep living,
even though
life is meaningless
and nothing matters?
Possibly.
What exactly
did you say?
Too bad he wasted his
intelligence formula
on me, too, Brain.
Or should I
say "Brian"?
Hey! I was
in a hurryl
Stupid permanent marker.
IGOR:
EnoughThe Evil Science Fair
is in a week,
and Glickenstein
is gonna lose again.
Okay, I get it.
You want me to
fix his invention.
Now I'll just need a
screwdriver, some nails
and my bag of marbles.
Don't touch his
invention, Brain.
Final You don't
want the benefit
of my brain power?
Then, farewell,
Igor.
Like a gentle fawn,
meadow.
(GRUNTING)
On second thought
maybe I'll stick
around,
(EXPLOSION)
So I can watch
Mr. Smarty- hunch
fix Glickenstein's
invention.
I couldl But you
know what would
happen if I did!
The same thing he'd
do if he found out
I invented you two.
He'd recycle me.
Can you imagine being
chopped up and used
for body parts
and God knows
what else?
Horrible.
(GROANING)
SCAMPER:
Dang it!Still here.
If I had my shot,
I could be one of the
greatest Evil Scientists
Malaria has ever seen.
They'd all cheer
my name
just like they
do for the great
Dr. Schadenfreude!
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER:
And now yourmaster of disaster,
the chief of grief,
a man who needs
no introduction,
but who will brutally
torture me if he
doesn't get one,
Dr. Schadenfreude!
Thank you, thank you.
You're too klnd!
And I'm not.
But I want to welcome you
all to my annual pre- Evil
Science Fair party.
My girlfriend Jaclyn.
(CHUCKLING)
You know, she
may seem like
a shallow,
conniving wretch...
That's all I got.
That pretty much
sums her up.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A toast to the
undefeated winner of
and the greatest Evil
Genius in the world.
(FANFARE)
(SPITS)
Bow for the King!
"The greatest Evil
Genius in the world."
I rememberwhen people
used to call me that.
Back when the clouds
destroyed our peaceful
land of farmers,
and my plan to blackmail
Yes, as you ve
told us all over
and over and over.
Yeah, well,
here's more.
Did you know that years
ago, Schoddy's family
name was Poekelmacher?
His family were
pickle-makers!
(ALL LAUGHING)
So, what's your Evil
Invention this year,
Doctor, kosher or dill?
(CROWD LAUGHING)
I want to shove
the sun don't shine
You mean
Malaria,
Master?
(EXCLAIMS)
No matter how many
Evil Science Fairs
I win,
I always have to bow
down to that idiot
I will never get
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"Igor" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 6 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/igor_10627>.
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