In a World...

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1

Greetings, Americans.

Leave a message after the beep, but

not if you're going to mumble,

because a voice is not just a

blessing, it's also a choice.

Hey, Carol. It's Louis

from Sound Mix-A-Lot.

I'm just calling real quick because

Eva Longoria, the actress,

she has to re-loop her lines for an entire

film where she plays a cockney mob wife.

I attached the sound file

for you to check out.

She sounds like a

retarded pirate,

so the studio is paying to

have her work with a coach.

And I thought of you.

Sorry, I never use the word

"retarded" in a derogatory way.

I hate people who do that.

Sorry, if you have a cousin

or a friend who's retarded,

I didn't mean it that way.

So, sorry about that.

Is that what you think,

you stupid slapper?

Is that what you fink?

I don't give a sh*t

about what you think!

Is that what you think,

you stupid slapper?

This Wednesday, one woman

will teach another woman

to sound a little less retarded.

In a world

like nothing you've

ever imagined.

Without a single unified voice,

humanity has been left searching

for answers to the unknown.

Now, one man has the

power to change that.

One man.

Me.

When the storm hit, both our

cars were totally underwater.

In a world where both of our

cars were totally underwater.

We thought it would take

forever to get some help.

But a new wind was

about to blow.

There's hundreds of

people doing voice work,

but only five of them are

making all the money.

Yeah. That's as it should be.

I'm sorry. As long as I'm one of

the five, that's as it should be.

Is it true that sometimes you will

do 60 promos a week, 35 in a day?

Oh, yeah. That's... That's

actually not uncommon at all.

That's pretty much a

slow week in many cases.

Odds are you already knew the

voice of Don LaFontaine,

who died in Los Angeles Tuesday.

He was 68.

He was the Don. He was the guy. Nobody

really could ever compare to him.

When we were young, for a while,

we were both referred to as the "it

boys" of the voice over world,

which I thought was

kind of amusing,

because I never met a boy

with pipes like these.

"In a world..."

Those words were for Don only.

- I mean... - There's

no question about that.

But I think that it could safely be said

everybody wants a piece of that legacy.

Meet Thomas Coyne. He's out

of cents and he's $3 short.

Ever since I was a kid,

I remember hearing Don coo those words,

"In a world... In a world..." You know?

And when I heard that I was like, "I

want to be a part of that world."

"I want to be part of

that world. That world."

For whoever takes his place, those

are gigantic shoes to fill.

I think Don was a...

I think a size 11.

It is true that I

happen to be a 13.

I don't know if you can see

that, but it's just the truth.

Whether or not that

matters, I don't know.

Why aren't the humidifiers on?

I'm dead.

F***in' Christ.

Listen, did Gustav

Warner happen to call?

- Jesus Christ. - He and I

are getting a steam later.

I'm not home.

Did Gustav call?

God, Dad. I don't know why you...

I can do what that guy does.

What the hell does that

have to do with anything?

This Wednesday, one woman

will teach another woman

to sound less...

This Wednesday, one woman

will teach another woman...

I just woke up, so my

voice is cold, but...

Look, are you hungry? Jamie

worked me up an appetite.

I'm gonna rustle

us up some grub.

Oh, my God. "Grub"?

I'm gonna make breaky.

"Breaky"?

Jesus, what the f*** is

wrong with you, Carol?

You know, I say, "Black,"

you say, "White."

- I'm gonna eat out here.

- You're yelling so much. Why?

- You don't want to come,

stay in bed. - It's so early.

Her name is Erin and her

other name is Erin.

So you know that mentally unstable guy

who lives in front of the Quiznos?

No.

You remember, he's the lunatic who's

got that crazy German brogue.

You know, this is

Jamie's favorite show.

Actually, it's quite good.

You should check it out.

I think he's from

Munich or something,

but I wanted to get his

voice for my archives.

And he's always lecturing how the

world's real currency is lettuce,

so I had to buy a

head of Romaine

- to negotiate with him. - I

can't wait to see you, puppy.

I'm gonna purr to

you all night long.

Voice mail, huh?

- I'm sorry, sweetie.

What's up? - Nothing.

Where is "the groupie" anyway?

What, is she busy at a smiling

convention somewhere?

Jamie is doing re-shoots for

a Ziploc commercial she got.

Jesus. That girl is bad

news, Dad. I mean...

Honestly, she smells

like Life Savers

and she has a Midwestern

accent, un-ironically.

Moreover, she should be paying

us rent. She's here a lot.

Jamie is going to be

moving in, sweetheart.

You're gonna have to find

another place to live now.

- What? She's 26!

- She's 30.

- That's my age.

- You're 31 now.

- Okay, barely. - Look, she's

an adult. That's the point.

She collects rainbow magnets!

- At least she likes me.

- For the wrong reasons.

Well, they're right

enough for me.

I'm appalled, Dad. I'm appalled.

Look, I'm feeling happy for the

first time in quite a while.

You know what? I think this is

just a validation thing. I do.

I think you should start spinning

again. I've been thinking about...

Carol, I love you, but let

me tell you something.

You're not gonna be able to

talk me out of this, okay?

Jamie printed me out an

article from Yahoo! Health.

It was all about enabling,

and I realized at that point

I cannot continue to support

your emotional handicap.

- I understand. Okay.

- Let me finish, okay?

Sometimes, I get the feeling I've

done all I could for you, kid.

I mean, I let you share my

crash pad with me for years.

I shared all my contacts

in the biz with you.

Listen, if I could break you off a piece

of this voice and give it to you, I would.

But I can't, because that's

an impossible conceit.

And the truth of the matter is,

it probably wouldn't help you

anyway because, let's face it,

the industry does not

crave a female sound.

Yeah, Dad, you've made me painfully

aware of that my whole life.

I'm not being sexist,

that's just the truth.

Okay.

This whole voice-cracking

problem you've grown into

isn't doing you any

favors either.

But here's what I'm trying

to say, sweetheart. Okay?

You should stick

with the accents.

I mean, that's your thing.

That's what you're good at.

What was that great Russian Star

Wars thing you used to do as a kid?

Yeah, I know the one you're

talking about. But, Dad...

- What was it?

- It was... Don't make me do it.

- Come on.

- I don't want to do it.

Please let me hear it.

Deese are not the droids

you're looking for.

I just love that.

It's so random.

But listen, I can't pay rent

with the freelance

vocal coaching.

- So, why don't we think of

an agreement... - Sweetheart,

not my problem. You understand?

Listen, I'm gonna support

you by not supporting you.

Okay, but what's the timeline on

this? Can you at least let me...

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