In Which We Serve Page #2

Were the trials satisfactory?

Were you pleased?

More than pleased. She's a lovely ship.

Does what she's told without a murmur.

Why are you making a rush job

of the commissioning?

- I like getting things done quickly.

- Is that the only reason?

We're living in strange times, darling.

It's as well to be prepared.

Yes, I suppose it is.

It's nothing to worry about.

No, of course not.

Here, try this. It may be a bit too sweet.

My love.

My love.

Just right, not a bit too sweet.

Miss me?

Of course not. I never gave you a thought.

What's the surprise for dinner?

Grouse. Maureen sent us a brace

from Scotland.

There's a girl of fine perception.

They're a bit high, but I expect you'll like that.

Is that a new dress?

Oh, no, darling. I've had it for ages.

- I swear I've never clapped eyes on it before.

- Only about 20 times, my love.

Perhaps it's you that looked new.

As good as new, anyway.

- Is there going to be a war, do you think?

- Yes, I think there is.

Oh.

No good worrying about it till it comes.

Not much good then, really.

No.

Don't be sad.

I'm not sad, really. I'm just sort of...

gathering myself together.

- Any more Kinross special left in the shaker?

- Yes, of course.

However busy you are, and however quickly

you've got to get your commissioning done,

I should like to come on board just once

before you go to sea to give the ship my love.

You'll have to.

My cabin's got to be made presentable.

- Is the chintz all right?

- First class.

Good. We'd better drink these up quickly

and go up to the children.

Dinner will be ready in a minute.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Swim to the float.

Swim to the float.

(Coughing and spluttering)

(Gunfire)

(Aircraft returns)

(Aircraft flies over)

Heave!

I've got some brandy in my Gieves.

Kath.

Kath.

Kath.

Here's the paper, dear.

I shan't have time

to do more than look at the headlines.

- There you are, then.

- It don't look too good, does it?

Oh, you can't believe anything they say.

Look at all the fuss we had last year.

Everybody flying about in aeroplanes

and making speeches.

After all that, nothing happened.

Nothing happened to us,

but a hell of a lot happened to other people.

- Do you really think we'll have another war?

- Looks like it.

Well, I'll believe it when I see it.

You may see it quicker than you bargained for.

I don't believe that Hitler'd be so silly.

What would he expect to gain by having a war?

World domination,

that's what that little rat's after.

They haven't got enough to eat in Germany

as it is.

Mrs Blacket's nephew,

the one that travels in underwear,

came back from Berlin two months ago.

- He said they was all half-starved.

- I can't help what Mrs Blacket's nephew says.

- I think we're for it.

- Well, if we have another war, I give up, see,

after all we went through last time.

All you went through? You was too young

and innocent to know about anything.

Don't talk so silly. You know perfectly well

how old I am, so don't pretend you don't.

You'll always be young and innocent to me.

Will I indeed, now?

If you ask me, you've got a hangover

from all that beer you put away last night.

I must be going.

- Is Mother coming down?

- I promised I'd call her. Wait a minute.

Mother? Walter's just going.

- You'd better come down as you are.

- That will be nice.

Will you get ashore after commissioning?

Before you go to sea, I mean.

That all depends. Don't forget

to put those bulbs in when the time comes.

- You and your bulbs!

- Goodbye, old girl.

Walter Hardy, whatever is the matter with you?

Anyone would think

you was going away for ever.

You never know.

You ought be ashamed of yourself, saying that.

And give them a piece of my mind.

Here comes Mother.

That spirit lamp of mine

will be the death of me yet.

- What's the matter with it?

- It blew up again. Frightened the wits out of me.

You will put in too much methylated.

What do you want to go fussing about

with spirit lamps in your bedroom for?

You could pop down to the kitchen.

Nobody'd notice.

I've made my own tea

in my own bedroom all my life.

I don't see any reason to stop now.

Yes, but that doesn't happen to be

your own bedroom. It's my spare.

If you go on blowing things up in it,

it won't be fit to sleep in.

Stop it, you two. I've got to go now.

A nice thing,

when my own daughter starts criticising me.

Oh, shut up, Mother. Say goodbye to Walter.

That's what you came down for.

- Will you get ashore again?

- All depends on Hitler.

Who does he think he is, anyway?

That's the spirit! Goodbye, Mother.

Look after Kath for me.

Don't you two go nagging each other

from morning to night.

Nagging?

I like that, I must say.

Come on, Kath.

- Goodbye, old girl.

- Goodbye, dear.

Ship's company...'shun.

(Whistle)

- Ship's company present, sir.

- Thanks, No.1. Stand them at ease.

Ship's company, stand at... ease.

Break ranks and gather round me.

- Can you hear me all right at the back?

ALL:
Aye aye, sir.

It's the custom for the captain to address

the ship's company on Commissioning Day

to give them his policy

and tell them the ship's programme.

Now, my policy's easy. If there are any here

who've served with me before, they'll know it.

Are there any old shipmates of mine here?

Oh, glad to see you again, Reynolds.

And Adams.

And Blake.

And Coombe.

Who's the small fellow behind the chief stoker?

Parkinson, sir.

Coxswain of the All Comers whaler

in the Valletta?

I was that, sir, when we won the cup

in the 1936 regatta.

And fell into the ditch when you got to the ship.

Well, there are enough old shipmates

to tell the others what my policy's always been.

Reynolds, Adams, Blake, Coombe, Parkinson,

what sort of a ship do I want the Torrin to be?

- A happy ship, sir.

- That's right.

An efficient ship, sir.

Correct.

A happy and efficient ship.

A very happy and a very efficient ship.

You might think I'm ambitious wanting both,

but in my experience,

you can't have one without the other.

A ship can't be happy unless she's efficient,

and won't be efficient unless she's happy.

Now for our programme.

You've seen the commissioning programme

published in Plymouth General Orders.

And you will have noted

that this allows the company three weeks.

Well, you've all read your papers.

Ribbentrop signed a non -aggression pact

with Stalin yesterday.

As I see it, that means war next week.

So I will give you not three weeks but exactly

three days to get this ship ready to sail.

None of us will turn in or take our clothes off

or sling our hammocks till the job's finished.

Then we'll send Hitler a telegram saying,

"The Torrin's ready. You can start your war."

You four bring in the sugar, you six gas masks,

and I'll join you and bring in the rum.

Wake up, England. You've had your hour.

It's my turn now.

RADIO:
Here is an announcement.

At 11:
15, that is, in about two minutes,

the Prime Minister will broadcast to the nation.

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