Inserts Page #2

Come on. Hey, Harlene.

Hey, you know me.

Here's looking at you.

Here's looking at the two of us.

- That's more like the old Kid.

- Sure, I was just feeling a little morbid...

you know, about old Wally and all.

That's all.

You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't

think so much about the past.

You're doing swell if you think about it.

- Why, we've got a six-picture contract.

- Sure.

We don't even have to leave,

we're working at home.

That's the ticket.

Hors d'oeuvres. Restaurant.

All right. Let's go! Quiet on the set!

Hey, you bozos aren't getting paid

to play pinochle.

Okay, now. It's a light, not a chair.

It goes on the lady's face.

Okeydokey, we're almost ready to go.

All right then. What? Who is here?

On my set?

May I introduce you to our producer?

Never allow producers on the set.

Okeydokey now.

You know the scene. You're alone,

you are forlorn.

Your lover, premature ejaculation...

Winnetka High graduate, 1918,

is missing in action.

You are sad. You are distraught with grief.

Okay, for real.

Give it to me for real. That's it, Harlene.

You're all alone, baby.

There's nobody here but you.

And there's nobody coming, honey.

That's it. That's beautiful.

Wally's dead, Harlene.

Wally's dead and no one else

is coming home.

That's it. Beautiful!

Now, you hear footsteps.

You hear footsteps,

and the door is opening, and you turn...

and it's him! It's him!

You greet him as only one whose heart

has remained lily white can do!

Cut.

You are f***ing terrific.

If it ain't Rex, the Wonder Dog,

come to show us his bone.

Stick the Hershey Kisses

back in the bag, will you, sweetheart?

I haven't had my breakfast yet.

Rex, are you going to stand there

oiling your cuff links...

on the top of your head all morning,

or are you going to go to work?

I may work, I may not.

All depends if we quit in time for me to be

at the Beverly Hills Hotel by 4:00.

What are they, hiring dancing partners

or something?

That's funny stuff coming from

a hophead ass-slinger, you know.

Lay off. Come on, you wanna get paid?

What do you think I'm doing here?

Where's Big Mac?

You don't think he'll show?

Let's go to work.

I told you, I'm supposed to be

at the Beverly Hills Hotel by 4:00.

Oh, really?

I met someone today

who's taken an interest in my work.

They are. They're hiring dancing partners.

- Geez, a swank dump like that.

- Now listen, sister.

Who is it, if you don't mind my asking?

Someone who's very sweet.

Someone who's a big cheese at Metro.

Someone whose name I'd rather not mention

in this...

insane asylum, thank you very much.

You meeting him in the Polo Lounge

or up in his room?

- His room. I told you, he's a big cheese.

- A big cheese?

The room doesn't happen to be

on the third floor, does it, Rex?

Yeah, as a matter of fact it does.

Okay. I'll try to get you out of here

by 4:
00, Rex.

It's a pretty old gag, but you may get

a new pair of pants out of it.

God knows you could use them.

What is this? Clue me in.

What, and spoil one of life's little surprises?

He said I had star potential.

Gee, Rex, we could have told you that.

Let's go to work.

Where'd you meet this big cheese? You

were supposed to be working this morning.

I was working. He was at the funeral.

Caught him watching me

while I lowered the stiff.

His car was parked by the shed

when I went to put my shovel away.

Funny kind of guy, you know.

Great big Packard and this little Mexican kid

for a driver...

couldn't have been more than 14 at tops.

He walks right up to me

and says I got star potential.

- Who? The taco or the big cheese?

- You're a sketch, you know?

He says he knows I got style...

cause I'm dumping dirt on this doornail

in a pair of white ducks.

That's it in this town, you know?

Deportment. It's all in your deportment.

Very good rule of thumb. Why don't

you write it down? Very good rule of...

- Leave the ascot on. I got an idea.

- That reminds me...

I had an idea this morning.

Take a couple aspirin, it'll be gone by lunch.

Now hold on, this is a hot one!

I pull my shorts up, see,

way up around my stomach.

Then I suck it in, see?

Get them on there real tight.

And then, when I'm ready...

pow, I slam it up there

like a brick shithouse!

It tears them, see?

Tears my shorts right up the middle.

And then you grab a shot of her going

bananas for it, see? You get the picture?

Of course, you got to pay for the shorts.

Very interesting idea, Rex.

Where did you get an idea like that?

San Berdoo, on my way over this morning.

Think it'll work?

Why don't you give it a try?

This afternoon at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

- Now take your pants off.

- Oh, smart guy?

How come if you're so smart,

you never leave this house?

That's called your basic rhetorical question.

- Now off with the shorts.

- Anything you say.

You're the Boy Wonder, but I'm gonna tell

Big Mac about this.

He knows a hot one when he sees it.

Big Mac will go bananas for it.

Really? Speaking of stunted bananas,

you want to slap some life into that thing?

Time is money.

Sun's going behind the clouds.

We lose the kid in half an hour.

Come on, let's go.

Wardrobe.

But of course, my dear. Help him

get rigid there, Harlene, will you?

Okay, come here, honey. Come to Momma.

Keep your meat hooks to yourself.

I can handle this on my own.

Look at that thing grow,

like money in the bank.

God, you're a pig, you know that?

- Yeah, you're a dog. Rex, the Wonder Dog!

- Okay, kiddies, okay.

All right, here's the scene.

Harlene, you are on the bed.

Rex, you enter with the ascot.

You sit down, I want you to...

touch it, fondle it, you know,

give me a little of that Dapper Dan stuff.

Right? Okay.

Now, Harlene, you look at him askance-

- Look at his what?

- Look at him...

You look at him askance. You look at him...

Do you remember that...

horse opera you did for DeMille...

when you looked at Bushman,

when he showed you his gun?

Yeah, I remember that. That was in '26.

When I gave them this?

Right. Plenty of that stuff. Okay, good.

- Then you look down at his private parts-

- Private?

- Don't make me laugh.

- Harlene, come on, will you? Come on.

Now. Then you look up at his face

and you laugh.

You laugh in his face. Very simple.

Okay? Ready?

All righty. Let's go for it.

Hey, wait a minute.

Can't we have a run-through?

Rex, what does it take to just sit there

and look stupid?

- I'm warning you, zit-tits.

- Hey, Rex, let's go.

Thank you. All righty.

Rex, you're out of frame here.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, just a couple

of seconds. Please, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you. Damn right of you. All righty.

We're rolling. And action.

Harlene, you're looking at him.

And enter Rex.

Enter Rex. Walk.

There's nothing in the room.

Walk with impunity. There we go.

And sit down, like a human being.

Fair enough. I'll settle for that. Okay, now.

Okay, Rex, anytime you're ready,

you can start earning your money.

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