Inspector Clouseau

- What can you tell us?

- No comment.

- Was it the Great Train Robbery gang?

- That's confidential.

What came of your meeting at number 10?

We are bringing in someone

to take command of the investigation.

- An outsider?

- Well... yes.

Isn't that a slap on the face

for Scotland Yard?

One must overlook such considerations

as to whose nose is out of joint.

- Even if it is one's own nose?

- No comment.

When do you expect this man to arrive?

On flight number 205 to...

- Inspector Clouseau?

- Shh!

Weaver, your opposite number.

- Shockley, Special Branch.

- Hello...

Keep your voice down.

I'm on a secret mission.

We have a car waiting.

- I have not yet cleared Customs.

- Standard VIP treatment.

I'm no "vip" and must go through

Customs like any French tourist.

- Sir, I assure...

- That is my cover, you fool.

- Anything to declare?

- No, I'm just a typical French tourist

- on a humble English vacation.

- Passport and debarking ticket, please.

Yes, of course.

It's right here. I never travel without...

- Come along, sir.

- You have not yet seen my passport!

I have this! Hey, look at this!

Don't grab me...

I think it only fair to say...

.. that your being brought in on this case

was not my idea.

- You are too modest.

- The Prime Minister insisted.

As head of the law-enforcing establishment,

I regard your presence

as a vote of no confidence.

I, though, am extremely confident.

- Not over-confident, I trust.

- No. Not over-confident.

Good. I'm glad to hear that.

The 2,5 million pounds stolen...

.. in our Great Train Robbery are being used as

operating capital for a more ambitious crime.

We are dealing with very greedy people.

Greedy and ruthless. You are the fourth

to be placed in charge in six months.

It seems that Scotland Yard

has had a run of unfortunate luck.

Despite our unfortunate luck...

.. we have apprehended a dozen of

the gang, including three of their top men.

I'll show you.

You may well be acquainted

with some of them.

Yesterday, two of them escaped from

prison. One of them was Frenchy Lebec.

It's a familiar face.

The other was Steve Frey. The one

remaining in custody is Addison Steele.

I'll question the pleasant-looking Mr. Steele.

Don't be fooled by his looks.

He can spot a detective a mile away.

But then you don't look

much like a detective.

I try not to.

Good.

I don't have to tell you

that in our line of work...

-.. anonymity is a virtue.

- Any fool knows that.

Anonymity is next to cleanliness and

I don't have to tell you what that's next to.

I have to tell you that we have discovered

a security leak in this department.

- In this department?

- That is why you are here.

The thought was...

.. since you couldn't be the traitor,

we can trust you. But you...

But you must trust no one.

- The viper in our bosom could be anyone.

- Anyone? I suspect everyone.

You will report only to me.

And what makes you think I trust you?

- Be right with you.

- Don't rush.

Don't worry. I never do.

There.

Now, like I said,

if you just comb it out every morning,

you'll still have movement round the face.

You see...

I said I'd be right with you.

And I said, "Don't rush."

And I said, "Don't worry. I never do."

That's excellent, Steele.

Excellent. I like that very much.

- You missed your vocation.

- Glad you like it.

You do a marvellous job.

- You call that a prison haircut?

- Special privileges.

The warden and I are as thick as thieves.

This favouritism,

how long has it been going on?

- 22 years.

- So you murdered your paediatrician.

They would never have caught me

but for my fingerprints on the water pistol.

I shall let that pass since you do not know

whose leg it is that you are pushing.

Do look after him.

I doubt if your razor's sharp enough

for the famous Inspector Clouseau.

- Smart young criminal.

- He's the warden's son.

Quite a joker.

The warden's son should have known not to

reveal my identity to a hardened criminal.

We hardened criminals

follow your career with great interest.

- As I yours.

- Sit down. I'll give you a shave.

Since we are becoming so chummy, you

can tell me about the Great Train Robbery.

I don't know nothing.

He who don't know nothing

knows something, hey?

Perhaps how to mastermind a robbery?

If you wanna know about the mastermind,

don't talk to me. Talk to Johnny Rainbow.

And who is this Johnny Rainbow?

Well, it's just a code name, really.

None of us ever met him face to face.

Now, this is gonna be a little bit hot.

I don't mind. In the words of Robespierre...

La tte laplus chaude...

Just take a few deep breaths.

Breathe in very deeply.

Bit more. That's right.

There you go.

I think you'll be pleased with these items.

Our chaps took some liberties with

your specifications that will delight you.

The smoke-signal matches

that you asked for.

Oh, yes. A wonderful thing, to have them.

This you must watch carefully.

Looks like a cigarette lighter but it is

a high-intensity laser-beam transmitter.

Oh, yes, just what the doctor ordered.

My, my. And what kind of a thing is this?

That's my razor.

Normal cigarette case.

A high-frequency transmitter

with built-in ADC.

- Enclosed microphone and speaker...

- Wonderful thing.

-.. with a tape recorder. Say something.

- Uh?

Say something. Anything you like.

- I have a phobia from recording devices.

- Please.

- I don't like to use them.

- I'm only trying to show you.

- I get embarrassed.

- Don't be. Say anything.

# Paris in the spring's a wonder to behold

# The streets are lined with gold in Paris

# My love jump in the Seine

# And it drove me insane

# If I may be so bold #

- A song.

- Yes. Thank you. Very good.

Now... just wind it back.

# Paris in the spring's a wonder to behold

#.. gold in Paris

# And it drove me insane #

Yes, not too much bass at all.

It's just some little technical fault.

I'm sure you'll sort it out.

Oh, yes, there was something.

Take a good look at me. Have you noticed

anything peculiar about me?

No, but you can't always tell by looking.

- I was referring to my dress.

- Your dress?

Now, look... Here, catch.

- You are armed. Correct?

- Correct.

- Let us assume that you want to arrest me.

- You are under arrest.

Oh, no, no. See, play the...

Let us assume that I resist.

You'd be a very foolish fellow

because I'm a deadly shot.

Yes, but how long would it take you

to reach your pistol?

- You'd be a dead man.

- Remarkable!

No hands. But...

.. observe my belt. 222s, miniature missiles.

Fires with deadly accuracy

up to a distance of 500 yards.

What a wonderful, wonderful... thing.

Yes. Not bad, is it?

Quite ingenious.

It's all done with the stomach muscles.

- Will you get the hang of it?

- Yes. I have a photographic memory.

Agh!

Hey! Look out for your pipe!

Oh. That's... that some wonderful,

wonderful underwear.

In case anyone throws you into the sea.

Yes, but how do you... have it laundered?

I should recommend dry-cleaning,

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