Inspector Clouseau Page #2

you stupid...

With your equipment and my finesse,

we'll give them a run for their money.

- Our money. Our money.

- You're right.

- I'm always right. It's a problem with me.

- Yes.

- Strange. I, too, have that problem.

- Yes.

- We have a lot in common.

- Oh, yes.

Our lives in the game of crime

and punishment are bound like lovers

inextricably together.

It's a poem.

You ought to meet my wife.

Your queen did not

bring me here to socialise.

Not my queen, my wife.

- I meant your wife.

- You don't know my wife.

But I'd be delighted.

Shall we say eight o'clock?

- Dinner?

- Charmed, I'm sure.

There he is. Let us run him down now.

Don't be stupid, Frenchy.

In front of Weavers house?

Good evening. You must be the inspector.

I am Lisa.

Call me Jacques. I hope

you don't mind your husband inviting me...

I'm not Mrs. Weaver. I am Lisa Morell.

- Haven't you been told?

- No, but then I like to find out for myself.

- I must see you alone.

- That's the only way.

But this isn't the proper place.

Then let's run away.

- No, I can't leave now. Trust me.

- I trust you to the ends of the earth.

Aah.

- Come on.

- Thank you.

- I see you've met Lisa.

- Yes, I have. You sly dog, you.

- She's our au pair. Can I have your coat?

- Yes, of course.

- Drink?

- Small sherry, perhaps.

Lisa, would you get

the inspector a small sherry?

If thats your maid then

your wife must really be something.

Oh! Could this lovely creature

be your famous French friend?

- How could you?

- I haven't. Not in years.

- What are you muttering about?

- Just shop talk.

- May I present my wife?

- What a delightful surprise.

- My wife's a mite Scottish.

- Lovely people.

Robert Burns, cashmere,

the Loch Ness monster.

- What's for dinner, dearie?

- Nothing.

It's the Highland Fair. I am the president

of the Daughters of the Heath and Heather.

- I promised him dinner.

- Don't trouble yourself.

- I'm sure Miss Lisa...

- I do a good omelette.

Och, no! They have gorgeous goodies

at the fair. Come along now.

Come along!

No, no. No, don't!

Put me down on the ground.

Look... Look, I...

Attention, please. It's time

to announce the Grand Door prize.

- The door prize.

- The winning ticket is number 175.

I repeat, 175. Who's the lucky winner?

My ticket... I have it! 175, I have it!

I won the prize!

Oh, come on in! Oh, good gracious me!

Shooting may be an everyday occurrence

to you, but it's left me quite unstrung.

Don't touch my pudding!

I suggest you go to bed.

No, I've got a better idea.

I'll get out of my tweeds, put on something

loose, and you pour me a wee whisky.

- But that girl is going to tell your husband.

- She'll be sound asleep in her bed.

And Weaver will be hours at the morgue,

filling forms et cetera.

I'll be down in two shakes of a donkey's tail.

Don't rush.

- Lisa? Lisa?

- Here I am.

Look what I won. A plum pudding.

You and I could run away and share it.

- Something important has come up.

- I'm coming with you.

No, you must stay here

and distract Mrs. Weaver.

I can't stand Mrs. Weaver!

I've been waiting to be with you.

- So have I.

- Don't be impatient, dear.

- Er... Er...

- I really must go.

Yes.

You bad, wee boy. Where's that drink?

I looked all over for it.

I can't find any whisky anywhere.

What an ingenious place to keep liquor.

Oh, dear. Here we are.

There we are.

That's it.

To us.

Well, time for me

to take my leave, dear lady. I...

I must get my beauty rest.

Ooh, the excitement!

The time has come for...

Your husband! You fool!

You crazy idiot! Get away!

Commissioner Braithwaite

sent me to fetch you.

What took you so long?

It's been a wonderful evening.

- Don't rush.

- My one regret is that I can't stay longer.

There's a sick lady in there.

He's coming.

Inspector Clouseau, isn't it?

Leave it. Let's get out.

- Clyde Hargreaves. Blackpool prison.

- Yes, the son of the warden.

With the warped sense of humour.

You still need a haircut.

I don't think you'll find many laughs in there.

There is a time for laughing and a time

for not laughing. This is not one of them.

Yes.

Yes.

Aah. What's that?

It's my plum pudding. I won it at a picnic.

Yes, I heard about your successful evening.

- Weaver telephoned me from the mortuary.

- I had the winning ticket, that's all.

I can't wait to take a bite from this thing.

- Never mind...

- How do they make it so round?

Don't worry about that now.

I gather you behaved disgracefully.

Drinking on duty,

flirting with woman after woman.

Even reciting vulgar... limericks.

Well, life is not all

shoot-shoot bang-bang.

- But you elected to shoot a man tonight.

- Yes.

- Thereby revealing your identity.

- You are correct.

The way you work

are not our ways at Scotland Yard.

That's why you brought me here.

If you could solve your own mess,

you wouldn't need me. Allow me.

What the devil do you think you're doing?

Put it down!

Gather yourself together!

Where there's a will, there's a way.

I've nursed this bottle since Dunkirk.

Listen, Clouseau, you should

never have shot Frenchy Lebec.

If you'd brought him in, we might

have gained some valuable information.

But oh, no, not you.

You have to get involved in some idiotic

Highland shenanigan. It's disgusting!

I don't talk to you when you're like this.

I'll come back and we can discuss this

in an atmosphere of mutual respect.

Good evening.

- Will you take some notes, please?

- Certainly.

A, what are the facts at our disposal?

B, let's get down to those facts.

C, we know that there has been a robbery.

D, we know that certain people

are going to commit this robbery.

I think we can safely assume that.

People are going to commit this robbery.

And they must get out of the way

the people who are trying to prevent them.

- That would be you.

- Me? What do they want to get me for?

- They've made one attempt on your life.

- So they have.

Well, you see how much

we have learned already.

- Gosh, that's marvellous. Let's press on.

- Yes.

Since they've already made an attempt

at my life, which came to no fruition,

they will try a more parabolic approach

and attack me on the bias.

- On the bias?

- On the bias.

They will not attack me,

but something I love more than anything.

What do I love more than anything?

What is my...?

Food! I love food more than anything.

But they will not attack me.

They will attack...

They are going to get me!

My plum... My plum pudding!

Wait! Wait for me. Wait.

I... I have to...

What's the excitement about?

What are you doing?

Saving your lives, you fools!

And you, get with

your loved ones and family.

And the rest of you,

clear out of this neck of the woods.

It may be...

And don't attack anything

unless it's absolutely...

Get back! I told...

I don't know how many times.

And sorry, I say, I don't want you in...

.. in this vicinity. That's what I'm...

Aha! I have found the bomb!

It is still ticking!

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