Inspector Clouseau Page #3

I have drowned the bomb.

- It is no longer ticking.

- There's no bomb in there.

There must be. I distinctly heard ticking.

- It could have been your wristwatch.

- Ah!

- It must not be waterproof.

- It's not going to work.

No. But I can always buy another watch.

- I wasn't talking about that.

- That is, if we last that long.

- Come on, give it up.

- Shh!

Aha. Aha!

A deadly transistorised mini-bomb!

- Looks like a cyanide capsule.

- A cyanide capsule!

- Somebody is determined to see you dead.

- Yes. But who?

It could be anyone

at that Scottish hoop-de-doo.

But I didn't let this out of my sight

until I got to your club.

Weren't there any clues

on Frenchy Lebec?

These matches were in his coat.

Let me see those.

Bring him in for questioning.

- You shot him last night.

- Oh, yes.

- The Tudor Arms.

- Let's look at this place.

- No sooner said than done.

- Oh...

- Hello. Can I help you?

- Thank you for stopping.

What seems to be the trouble?

It's my new car.

Do you know something about machinery?

I don't know something.

I know everything.

What do you suppose this does?

When this is connected in the right place,

it makes your automobile move.

It either goes over here or over here.

- Well, that takes care of that.

- Did you fix it?

No, it's ruined. Can I take you somewhere?

I ought to make a phone call.

The nearest place is the Tudor Arms.

- Kismet. That's exactly where I'm going.

- Good.

What brings my favourite niece out?

Uncle, my new car broke down.

- Oh, what a pity.

- Don't just stand there grinning.

- Get us some food.

- What would you like?

Just a light snack. Smoked salmon,

perhaps a little assorted pt.

A little roast beef, I think.

A few vegetables; petitspois, carrots.

Then some "glac" a little chocolate cake,

perhaps. I'll leave it up to you.

- Will you have it here or upstairs?

- Upstairs sounds cosier.

- Charming room.

- You have been here many times before.

- What gives you that idea?

- The innkeeper is "Uncle".

Yes, he's married to my aunt.

It's all very suspicious.

I should go downstairs

and have another look.

Don't let me stop you.

Are you trying to keep

a policeman from his duty?

Don't you want to kiss me?

Whether or not I wish to is not the point.

I'm here on a secret mission and I am not

going to be dissuaded from my duty.

Help. Help. Let me have a breather.

All right.

- What are you doing?

- I never want to forget this.

Put it down.

We'll have none of that, my dear.

Don't take a picture of me

in this dishevelled condition.

Now you can take a picture.

Look at that big beauty.

I love to have my picture taken.

- Hold it.

- Like that?

- Lovely.

- And now a bit serious.

- A half smile? And from the other side.

- Mm-hm.

And now all-the-teeth smile.

Now I'll give you an action photograph.

And caught in the act of surprise.

No, you missed that. Take it once more.

Lovely.

- That ought to do it.

- Good.

If you're making those up,

I wouldn't mind a few.

I'd like to see the proofs, then order some.

I've got an idea.

I've only got face shots of you.

- How about full figure?

- Fine.

Hi.

I don't mean to intrude,

but have you seen anything of a girl?

Not, of course, to imply

that that's not what you are.

I didn't mean to imply that.

Indeed, not only are you a girl but...

Yes, indeed,

a very extraordinary one at that.

I don't suppose that you've seen

anything of a tall brunette in a short slip?

No.

Yes, well... c'est la vie.

Beautiful. You did a good job.

There. Ooh, I love the way you eat.

- Like a jungle animal.

- Whoo!

Oyster dressing makes me passionate.

- When I eat it?

- Especially when you eat it.

If I didn't have this heartburn,

would you see something.

- I've got something for your heartburn.

- Yes?

If you just lie there, we will soon help you.

How's that?

- That's nice.

- Is that better?

Very good. Like flying over Ecuador

every day on the back of a giant...

- You're having a good trip?

- Yes, it reminds me of...

.. in the barber's shop.

- They're doing it again.

- Soon be well.

- How do you feel now?

- Help.

Take that.

Towel.

Right. OK?

Now, come on. Pat it well into the face.

Don't miss anything.

This stuff hardens very quickly.

That should do it. Now, easy.

- That's it.

- It's loose. It's loose.

The bull is loose. I don't need a picador.

I'll do it by myself.

I'm going to kill the bull one more time.

Give me my sword and I will become

the... Here it comes. It's loose!

- Hooray!

- That's it!

Ol!

- I can't believe it.

- He claims it was part of his master plan.

And I suppose the collapsing bed

was part of our equipment?

- He says he brought that with him.

- I won't hear any more about him.

I don't hold with the man's methods,

but he does get results.

I prefer results that culminate in a trial.

- I may have the answer to your problem.

- Drop him from the case?

- We can't offend the French government.

- I didn't mean that.

We ought to have a man

on the spot, speaking their language.

- What language?

- French, sir.

In France. Clouseau.

The remains of Frenchy Lebec

are being sent back to France.

- Remains of who?

- Frenchy Lebec.

The man Clouseau shot

at the Highland fling.

Lebec's gang's bound to be at the funeral.

If Clouseau were there as well,

there's no knowing what information

he might turn up with.

- Follow that hearse!

- Follow it yourself.

Get out.

- How much for your motorbike?

- What?

- I'll buy the bike.

- Oh, oui! Give it a good kick, huh?

Yes, that's what I'm... The kick.

I'm going to...

Stop, thief! Did you see that?

He stole my motorcycle!

- Nowadays you can't trust anybody.

- Gendarme!

Special report to Commissioner Braithwaite.

Good morning.

I am sitting in a cart full offish.

I am going to follow the hearse and...

Wait. And find the body...

its final resting place. I'm going.

- Idiot! Reculez-l!

- I can't think with that noise!

Ol! Idiot!

Here I am in the graveyard,

hiding behind a small shrub.

I'm moving into an advanced position

to continue my reconnaissance.

This is Jacques Clouseau signing off.

Get off, get off.

My hat.

Oh, no.

Stand there for a bit.

Put your hands... like that.

There he is! The man who stole

my motorbike! Come back here!

Hey, you! Come back!

- Hey!

- Get into the car, Jacques! Quick!

Hold on. Get into the front seat.

- Yes, I'm trying to!

- Good.

Some policewoman!

If you don't believe

I'm a member of Interpol, ask them.

A member of the international police?

Don't make me laugh.

I arrest you in the name of the Queen.

This crook is Lieutenant Morell of Interpol.

Who the devil are you?

I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

On detached service to Scotland Yard

from the Paris Suret.

Who are you to tell me

that this crook is no crook?

Don't raise your voice.

I am Prfet of Police and your superior.

Mm?

Mm.

It seems that I owe you an apology.

- And you, too, Lieutenant.

- It's quite all right.

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