Inspector Clouseau Page #4

Now Scotland Yard and Interpol

have made their peace,

perhaps I can eat my meal in peace.

- Right. You've got everything?

- Yes.

- No, let's go over it again.

- All right. This is the headset.

- Put it on and listen through it.

- Put that on.

This is the bow

with a microphone lead. See? There.

- Oh, yes.

- This is the arrow with a microphone.

You have to plug that in there and

try and get the arrow through that window.

That's where they all are.

- Two of spades. Then a five.

- Go on, then.

With a queen.

Tonight we knock over

the Dodge City bank.

- Dodge City bank? You must be kidding.

- I got a plan.

In 15 minutes, Lefty and Big Red

walk into the hotel and shoot up the place.

- Ten. Pair of tens.

- Give it us.

- I don't trust that Ringo or his partner.

- Don't worry about that now.

Me and One-Eyed Charlie

slip into the back of the bank.

- What about the half-breed?

- Don't worry about the half-breed.

- Who's there?

- Open up, please.

Show me your mother.

OK.

- Clouseau!

- Have him!

Get off! Give me some air!

Hey!

- Mon Dieu.

- What's this?

- Hello, Steele.

- It's the warden's son.

Man, you was a dead ringer for Clouseau.

Shows what one can do

with plastic, a few photographs

and the take

from the Great Train Robbery.

- You're Johnny Rainbow?

- That's it, fellas.

When we blow the vault,

it'll wake the whole town.

We don't blow the vault, stupid.

I bribe the bank president.

Great thinking!

- Bank robbery.

- Got the plan?

You two get on the roof

and drill the first lawman you see coming.

Hold it just a minute now.

You all know what you're...

Don't worry about the half-breed, Ringo.

Switzerland is the bank vault of the world.

On Saturday afternoon, we are going to rob

the biggest banks in 12 of the biggest cities.

Who gets blamed?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

How are you going to be at

12 different banks all at the same time?

I'm not. You are.

- Good God.

- What's all this?

Be my guest, Steele.

- Cor, that's great!

- How do the eyes look?

Perfect, even from here. It's gonna work!

I do not like this joke. Count me out.

- What do you mean?

- Me, too. It's dodgy.

No hard feelings?

No. In fact, I need a couple of bright boys

to do another little job. Clouseau.

- To kill Clouseau will be my pleasure.

- But our ruin!

Once we've made the haul, I want Clouseau

trying to explain his innocence.

No, my friend, do not kill Clouseau.

Kidnap him.

And while you are holding me prisoner,

Ringo and One-Eye and the half-breed

are robbing the bank!

Lefty and whatshisname

are shooting up the hotel lobby

and the one with the squeaky voice

is up on the roof,

waiting to shoot

the first lawman he sees.

- Are you getting all this?

- Yeah, get it!

- The bank president is in on it, too.

- Not the mayor? Or Brigitte Bardot?

- No, not Brigitte Bardot.

- Throw him out!

Wait! Ringo's the breed, the half-breed!

Ow! Oh! Police brutality!

Jacques.

If you'd come, those fools

would have believed me.

- You needed someone to watch the bank.

- They will not start until it's clear.

- I hope we won't have to wait long. I'm cold.

- Yes! It is cold. Come, let's go home.

- What about the crooks?

- They never sleep. Neither does Clouseau.

That will teach you to sneak up on me.

All right. Come on, over to the wall.

Go on. Turn round.

Hands up. High.

All right, turn round.

- Drop your hands now.

- What's up, Weaver?

I don't want praise.

At all times I always do my best.

Commissioner Braithwaite

extends his congratulations.

For killing one crook I am reprimanded.

For killing two I am complimented.

Tell him to make up his mind.

On behalf of the Paris Suret

allow me also to congratulate you.

You're sure you've got the rail ticket

and the rest of the papers

we found on the dead man?

When you get to Zurich,

if you run into more than you handle...

Up to now, I think I've done

pretty well on my own, don't you?

- Yes. See you.

- You are an ornament to France.

Merci.

Don't forget Ringo and the half-breed.

Clouseau, your train! Your train!

Do you play jacks?

David can't get past threesies.

- Don't bother the nice man, Nicole.

- The nice man is not bothered.

- I want to go to the toilet.

- That's nice.

I want to go to the toilet.

- Excuse me. He wants to go to the toilet.

- Come on, David.

Next year I'm staying at home

and Daddy can take you on holiday.

- I can do Ladies in the Wash House.

- Mm.

You'd have to start out with Babies.

- One up, Chicken in the Basket.

- Time for lunch, Nicole.

- But I was playing with Uncle Jacques.

- Nicole.

- Goodbye, Uncle Jacques.

- Yes, goodbye. Have a good time.

I've got... seven in the...

Feathers in the House, Duck in the Soup.

Weaver! What are you doing here?

Well, it's an opportunity

of having a holiday without my missus.

You've got a point. As long as

you're not here to meddle in my case.

Oh, no, no. Wouldn't dream of it.

- Would you join me in an aperitif?

- Surely. Thank you.

Training for the Olympics, are we?

Oh, you think this is child's play?

- Well, isn't it?

- In the hands of a child, yes.

But as a test of skill,

concentration and dexterity...

- Would you care for a small game?

- Surely.

That is, unless you're afraid

to take on Clouseau.

I'm not afraid, monsieur.

I'm looking forward to it.

- Onesies! Onesies. One.

- Yes, I have it.

- Twosies.

- You didn't pick anything up.

- You had that lodged in your fingers.

- Twosies. Twosies.

- All right, twosies.

- Threesies!

A miss!

All right, all right.

All right. Yes. Here we go with this one now.

- That's it. You can't move the jacks!

- The train hit a bump! When the train...

- You're breaking all the rules.

- It's my jacks!

That's it. Leave them as they are.

Throw the ball. Onesies.

- That...

- Twosies!

- Do you want to...?

- Get away from me!

- Get out!

- Don't bother a man... Threesies.

Here's the ball. Your turn.

You quit while you're ahead?

Come back and finish the game.

Weaver, come back and...

.. finish the game.

We'll finish the jacks

and then we'll have a wrestling match.

No, not the door! All right,

I'll take off 20 points from my score.

No! Please!

My Auntie Mary does this for me.

- I didn't like that man.

- He won't bother us any more.

Read us a story?

Edward Bear, known to his friends

as Winnie the Pooh, or Pooh for short...

- Inspector Clouseau?

- Yes.

Permit me to introduce myself.

Director of National Security.

Hoeffler, isn't it?

The Minister of Finance

has assembled the bank presidents. Come.

- The car is outside.

- Jacques.

Weaver was on the train.

I think he's one of the gang.

- Thank you.

- I'll see you later.

- One minute.

- Of course.

Get that girl.

This car is at your disposal.

The driver has his instructions.

- How did it go?

- According to plan.

Good. We'll stop

and switch clothes on the way.

- Change and get back quickly.

- Right away.

And finally, Zurich.

It is for these reasons, gentlemen,

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