Irreplaceable You

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[delicate piano music]

[Abbie] What if we stayed in bed all day?

[Sam] That sounds like the best day ever.

We should stay here all week.

[Abbie] What if we got bored?

[Sam] Us, bored?

When have we ever been bored?

[Abbie] What if we got hungry?

What would we do for food?

[Sam] Well, we could order takeout

and have it delivered right here.

[Abbie] But then what if we lost our jobs

and apartment

and we had no place to live?

[Sam laughs]

[Sam] Stop. Stop worrying.

[Abbie] Full disclosure:

I didn't have to worry about any of that,

because this is where my story ends.

So does yours, by the way.

So does everyone's.

It's okay. Really.

Calm. Peaceful.

One with nature.

Most of it I don't miss at all.

Really.

But then, there's Sam.

- [Abbie] Hi, Sam.

- Hi, Abbie.

[Abbie] Sam was... is the love of my life.

But let's start at the beginning.

[guide] And here we come

to our coral reef, home to many species,

including over 50 types of fish,

the green moray eel, the cownose ray...

Oh, those guys are mating.

Okay. Uh, look over there!

Why are, like, six of them

mating together?

Which one is the mommy?

See, here's the thing, kids,

fish are not like people.

They're not monogamous.

Not that many people are either,

but that's another...

What's "monogamous"?

Well, uh,

okay, monogamy means

if you love someone,

you stick with them for the long haul.

My dad screwed my Aunt Rosa.

My mommy and daddy are separated.

My mom ran away with my dentist.

My dad said she was getting

her cavity filled in.

Yep. It's not easy.

Lots of things can separate us:

Aunt Rosa, the dentist,

Lauren Mulgrew in World of Amphibians.

However,

there actually is one monogamous fish.

The deep-sea anglerfish.

The male anglerfish hunts for the female,

following her through

the most dangerous parts of the deep.

Then, when he finds her,

he bites into her flesh

and never, ever lets go.

The two fish fuse into one.

And we're walkin'.

And we have our listening ears on.

[screams]

[Abbie] And that was it. True love.

[bright music]

Well, true love

plus an emergency room visit for Sam,

and a lot of therapy for me.

Girl, don't wanna say

I wanna stay apart

Girl, you try to change

I just might break in two

Hey, don't wanna say

I'll never stay up till

[rock music]

[Abbie] Sam's telling the story

of the bite, again,

which was a romantic gesture!

Really it was a behavioral problem.

She bit like six kids that year.

You're the only one

that meant anything to me.

Well, I had to go to the hospital.

- Six stitches.

- Three stitches.

I almost got kicked out of school.

You should have been kicked out of school.

You were rabid.

For years, I've tried to have her

de-fanged and de-clawed.

- Nice, Mom. Really nice.

- Hey! Oh! Guys, guys, guys!

Everybody, everybody,

come... come this way, please.

- I would like to make a toast.

- Oh, Benji...

- Oh, yeah.

- That's a really bad idea.

- Not a toast.

- Sam, Sam, it's already started.

Uh, happy engagement, you guys. Yeah?

- Happy engagement.

- Cheers!

Yeah! To the bride and groom! Huh?

I mean, they don't make any sense

on paper, right?

I mean, Abbie is type A

and Sam is type Z.

- Come on, I'm not type A.

- Uh...

What is a Z?

I mean, how did an amazing woman

like you

end up with the most clueless white dude

in the city? I mean, like...

- Like, you know, I mean, you...

- Benji!

- I'm not...

- Really. Dude.

- This could be your best toast ever.

- [Benji] Look, honestly,

I generally disapprove

of people who are as disgustingly happy

as you guys are,

but, um, I'm really glad

that you proposed to this guy.

Oh! You proposed.

- You know, she just beat me to it.

- That's great.

I was trying to figure out

the best moment and...

You were taking too long!

So, I stuck a rubber band on my finger

- and that was it.

- That's cute.

The truth is, there may be a little

incentive to make it all official.

We're not telling people yet.

But I guess everybody knows now, so...

- [Benji] Wow.

- Yay!

- Yay!

- [Benji] Yay!

- Congratulations!

- [Benji] That's great.

There's gonna be... three.

Every time the sun comes up

I see double

What if it hadn't worked out between us?

Impossible.

What if I, like, had been hit by a bus

or run off with gypsies

or become a man?

I would have stopped the bus,

joined the gypsies or become gay.

You would be gay if I were a man?

Well you don't need to do that.

Become a man?

Test it.

Top of the books,

seven o'clock from the lamp.

I don't give a f***

about my glasses right now.

You will, in the morning

when I'm in the shower.

- And they're not on your side.

- Stop talking.

Eminently psychological. It's like...

[Abbie] Okay, so are you good

if we confirm the venue today?

- Uh-huh.

- Oh, and the caterer wants to know

- chocolate, hazelnut, or raspberry.

- Mm-hmm.

[Abbie] Sam?

What? For what?

For the cake. The wedding cake.

Well, not hazelnut.

Nobody's ever like,

"Yum! That cake is hazelnut!"

Okay, raspberry or chocolate?

Please not raspberry.

The seeds get stuck in your teeth and then

you realize later nobody told you

and it's like, "Are these people

even my friends?"

So chocolate?

It seems so obvious.

That's one green and one red.

Well, they feel the same.

- Don't forget to water Ruby.

- Ruby.

Bye.

[Sam] Clearly there are still

more than a few misconceptions

about the structural differences

between sensory neurons, interneurons,

and motor neurons.

Which is totally cool.

Does anyone have any questions

about this?

I know, it's exciting stuff.

So then he just sends me

this totally unprompted dick pic,

and I'm like, "Whoa! You just went there?"

And he says,

"Oh, baby, that's only my level one."

What is that?

He has a level one, two, three,

depending on relationship status.

Aren't you curious about level two?

It's insane. Look.

Well, at least he's thinking of you.

Lies. All lies.

I saved it to my photo album,

and it says it was taken on April 4, 2013.

We hadn't even met yet.

This erection has nothing to do with me.

I hate dating.

You're so lucky you have Sam.

I mean, yes, but I still had to get

maybe pregnant to get him to step up.

Oh, my God, Abbie! That's it!

I just need to get definitely pregnant.

No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying.

But, uh, speaking of...

- Oh, my God, I got to go.

- What? You're not supposed to go today.

We have the meeting

with all the mom blogs.

You're supposed to approve

the feminist princess book.

Melanie, you got this.

I don't got this.

Oh, God, I didn't realize it was possible

to be this tired and bloated.

Maybe it's twins.

Yikes.

[phone buzzes]

Hmm.

Level two.

[Abbie] How is it possible something

that giant comes out of there?

It just looks like something

out of a sci-fi horror movie.

That's not helpful!

[Dr. Michaelson]

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

This picture, is it necessary?

[Abbie chuckles]

Um, Abbie, I have some difficult news.

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