Jack And Jill vs. The World

In fairy tales,

happiness is there for the taking.

Slay the dragon,

save the princess.

Live happily ever after.

Today, we're talking about booze.

Beer, spirits, plonk?

Some call it moonshine or screech.

Name your poison.

How much can you drink?

What does it make you do?

... segment brought...

you... Klubendorff Beer...

Once upon a time,

there was a young man named Jack,

and Jack took the pursuit

of happiness very seriously.

See, in Jack's world,

happiness came with a price tag:

fancy cars,

designer suits.

Jack had it all.

The only thing Jack never bought

was the old adage "The best

things in life are free. "

Can you blame him?

And by his standards,

he was a success.

Move it!

His happiness was

beautifully uncomplicated.

The part of Prince Charming

was not for Jack.

The condo, the clothes,

the car, the coffee,

the career... his life.

It all worked...

on paper, at least.

What's up, bird?

What are you doing,

just eating garbage?

Shitting everywhere?

Hey, man, I feel you.

Still, that flying thing.

That's gotta be pretty good, right?

Hello? Hi.

Can you hear me now?

What about now?

Oh, great. Yes.

I was calling you back

about that room for rent.

Uh-huh. Yeah, sure, hold on.

Oh! Sh*t!

Are you still there? Hello?

Ugh!

Ahem.

Nice kick.

Are you all right?

I'm sorry. I'm having...

I'm having the worst day.

Can you help me with something?

I'm, uh... I'm a little lost.

But in life, as much as you try to hide,

complications will inevitably find you.

You know that's

a subway map, right?

What? It's got streets on it.

Right, but it's mainly used for,

you know... the subway.

Okay.

When Jack met Jill,

he took their meeting at face value.

Hey, Jackass, we missed you.

There's some serious talent over there.

- Have we cast yet?

- Some maybes, but no.

Snack, crackle, pop.

She's our girl, George.

Trying to make a play here?

I'm just saying she's our girl.

'Cause if you are,

I'll tell Sally to cancel dinner.

What's dinner got to do...

Wait.

Is this another one of those...

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, it is.

Sure, there had been other girls,

but Jack had been able to navigate

through those situations unscathed.

It's like our hormones are going

"Boingo! Boingo! Time to be Mommy!"

Boingo? Boingo?

I don't think I've

heard that expression.

I've heard "Boing."

No, but that's the sound

a kangaroo makes.

You are so adorable!

I'm gonna run to the little boys' room.

But when I come back,

I want to get to the bottom

of this "Boingo Boingo" business, okay?

Ah!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

We're holding for the voice-over.

"Welcome to the Klub."

And cut.

Jill, what happened to the lotion?

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

Oh! Oh, my gosh!

Cut.

Sorry.

Okay, first positions, everyone.

- Action!

- Excuse me.

Cut.

- I'm sorry.

- Cut.

- Cut!

- I'm sorry.

Look, here's what we're gonna do.

She comes down,

and the bathing-suit top has to stay on

so she can roll to hand it.

What we do is we

double-side tape.

Am I screwing up?

I mean, if I had another arm, I could...

They're just figuring some stuff out.

Or she could go...

God, you'd think they were

solving world hunger.

It's much more important than that.

All right. We're gonna tie the top.

So I just made it to Manhattan,

so I'm still figuring it all out.

But I used to come here as a kid.

I'd beg my parents to take me here.

I'm just so happy to be here. Wow!

Oh! This is great!

So I was a sophomore

at Syracuse, and...

As much as he tried to fight it,

Jack couldn't helped

but be charmed by Jill.

...about acting, you know? So I quit.

I was outta there.

Intrigued by her.

I kinda miss Tupac already.

I left him with my parents.

You want to see a picture?

Whoa!

Man, he's looking good.

Isn't he cute? Mwah!

Is this the place?

Home sweet home.

You know, these hostels

are riddled with bedbugs,

crabs, stuff like that.

Hey, listen, you're not...

Itchy?

No.

Anyway, thanks for the ride.

Hey, little mama!

There it was.

Jill.

Things were about to get complicated.

Well... this is it.

Uh, bathroom, kitchen,

living area, TV.

That's, uh, that's my

bedroom over there,

and the extra bedroom

is right there.

There's a... bit of a view there.

Oh! It's gorgeous.

You like?

Wow.

Just until you find

something on your own.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Just make yourself comfortable.

Please. Of course they've talked about it.

Of course you've talked about it.

That is not the question.

The question is how many, hmm?

Am I right?

Sally, let me guess.

You want a small family,

and, uh, George,

George wants you

to be a baby machine.

# There's no such thing as the future #

# It's all doubts and lovely dreams #

# Come and listen to these screams #

# There's no such thing as heroes #

# Just a bunch of ones and zeros #

I used to think that having kids

was, like, a total copout.

I mean, everyone jumping on

the conveyor belt to do it

'cause they have nothing better to do.

I'm a career woman.

Gimme a break.

But now I know

there's more to it than that.

It's biological.

You want a coffee?

No thanks. I don't go there.

Why? What's wrong with it?

I try and buy fair trade coffee.

Oh.

Well...

I like this place.

Okay. Have a good day at work.

You have a good audition...

and whatever else it is you do today.

Fair trade coffee.

You heard of this, huh?

It eliminates the middleman.

Puts more money in

the hands of the grower.

You know about this?

Of course.

Doesn't everybody?

If everybody knows about it,

how come everyone doesn't buy it?

Not everyone carries it, I guess.

Downstairs. They sell

fair-trade blend downstairs.

I don't think that's the same.

Why don't more

coffee shops carry it?

It's all about profits.

Internationally, coffee prices have fallen,

like, 80% in the last decade.

Does that low-fat cup of crap

gotten any cheaper?

Do you know where to get it?

Ask a hippie. They'll tell you.

Do you get it?

- No.

- Why not?

'Cause, Jack.

Hippies scare me, all right?

Mister... Smith?

This is Jill, our trainee.

She's gonna sit in on this.

Is that okay?

- Hello.

- Hi.

Just a few questions.

Excuse me?

Why do you want to adopt this cat?

Is that a trick question?

No. No tricks.

Just a simple question

to get things rolling.

I like cats.

Is that your answer?

Yeah.

Is there something wrong with that?

We encourage details

usually, but that's fine.

"Likes cats."

Black cats. I like black cats.

They're soft and everything.

Small and soft and cuddly.

I like that.

Right.

"Likes black cats."

Innocence.

I'm especially fond of their innocence.

Have you ever worn

platform boots, Mr. Smith?

Plat-Platform boots?

Teased your hair,

put on make-up, that sort of thing?

Excuse me. What's...

Do you remember that band,

they had that splash in the early '90s?

I think it was, uh, Postal Partum?

That's my band.

That was you?

Really?

They had that huge crowd-pleaser.

They whole act where

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