Jackboots on Whitehall

This is the BBC Home Service,

Here is the news at nine o'clock,

The unsuccessful evacuation

of our armed forces from Dunkirk

has resulted in over a quarter

of a million of our troops

stranded in occupied France,

The Ministry of Defence has announced

that, as of this moment, we should expect

a full German invasion of this country

over the forthcoming weeks,

Bandits bearing one, Zero, one.

Stay tight. We should

have a visual any minute.

Listen up, Johnny,

it's just you and me now.

Stick close and don't do anything foolish.

Roger, Red Leader. I'm right behind you.

Right. Let's see how many of these bastards

we can take with us.

There they are.

Bombers, three o'clock, low.

For King and country. Tally ho!

Johnny! I said stay on my wing!

But I've got one in my sight.

Don't be a bloody fool!

There's a Kraut with the hots for you.

You're a sitting duck, man!

He's got me, I'm hit!

Johnny! Get out of there!

Use your damn parachute!

I can't! My canopy's stuck!

Help!

You rotters! You stinking rotters!

All right, this is for Johnny

and all the others!

Ha! Take that, FritZy.

Damn, I'm hit!

I'm going down!

We're done for.

It's all over to you now,

the people of England.

Tell my wife I love her very much.

Chris. Come on, lad, tea break's over.

- Put them big hands to use.

- Coming, Tom.

Back to the village

for a pie and a pint, I reckon.

Right. Let's get this harvest home.

Hyah!

Come on, there, boy, come on.

Ah, another day

in God's glorious kingdom!

- Morning, Vicar.

- Good morning, Albert.

Lovely day for it.

Then I attacked the second bunker

and destroyed three more tanks

before holding off the German army

single-handed,

- only to find I was still stuck in France.

- What did you do?

I swam the 20-odd miles of Channel

back to Dover,

whereupon I was presented

with my second Victoria Cross.

Oh! Captain English, you're so brave!

Yes, I know.

And handsome.

I suppose I am, rather.

Now, tell me, Reverend,

how is that fine young daughter of yours?

She's well, thank you, Captain.

A minor hiccup at boarding school.

In need of a little direction now, I think.

- Have a look at my tulips.

- Daisy...

come and say hello to Captain English.

Igor!

Jawohl, Herr Kapitn?

We are 50 miles from London.

Prepare to test weapons.

Jawohl, Herr Kapitn!

Ah, the harvest has come home.

Ah, a good turnout this year.

And look, there's lovely Daisy.

As charming and as sweet

as the first rose in spring.

Daisy? What's she doing

back from boarding school so early?

Yes, it is hard, juggling one's career

between saving England

and modelling Brylcreem and rugby shorts.

AmaZing!

Now...

- Hello, Daisy.

- Chris!

- Ooh! Oh, my goodness.

- Oh, careful.

Here, let me get those for you.

Oh, sorry, they're a little bit crushed.

Oh, don't worry, Chris, it's all right.

So, you're a farmer now. I thought you

always wanted to join the army.

No, they said my hands are too big.

They said hands like this is more valuable

in a cornfield than in a battlefield.

Oh, you and your big hands.

Always got you into trouble,

like that time at Sunday school.

So, are you gonna be

around these parts for a while, then?

Oh, it looks that way.

Father wants me to become a FANY.

- You what?

- A FANY. First Aid Nursing Yeomanry.

We're all young FANY here.

Matron Rutty is our head FANY.

Girls, do your bit!

Join my FANY and see the world!

Daisy! Where the hell are you?

Oh, that's Father. I'd better be off.

Bye, Chris.

Oh, and it was nice seeing you again.

Bye, Daisy.

What were you doing talking to that boy?

It's only Chris, Father.

We used to be friends.

Don't be ridiculous, Daisy.

The village orphan,

with those fat, retarded hands?

Oh, take no notice of what they say, lad.

Herr Kapitn, target sighted.

Eine small Englander village.

Excellent. Stand by, all stations.

Hang on, hang on...

Oh, my goodness!

Watch out, there's a whiff of FritZ in the air.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, dear.

Open Ze bomb bay!

Achtung.

Achtung.

Was ist das?

Ein perambulator?

Ein Englander baby?

Igor. Bomb. Los!

Run for your lives!

NaZi bomb! Look out!

Oh, sh*t, it's heading for the baby's pram.

Bloody 'ell.

Shitbuckets! That's blown my chances

of marrying off Daisy.

Reverse engines. Schnell!

Come on, what are you waiting for?

He's a sitting duck!

Action stations!

Here we go, lads!

Tom, get the hay off that cart

and load up the machine gun.

Let's go hunt some Germans.

Let 'em have it, girls!

Ha! Bullets will do nothing

against the armour plating!

Fire!

Christopher, these bullets are useless.

We need to get the flak gun working, lad.

Right, Tom.

Keep firing!

- Get this thing up and running!

- I can't, it's stuck.

- Right, let her rip, Albert.

- Here we go.

Don't worry, I'll get the bugger.

- Aargh!

- You got him, Albert.

We are losing altitude!

We must gain height. Drop Ze ballast.

It is not good, Herr Kapitn,

we are too heavy!

We must lose more weight!

We cannot let Ze Zeppelin

fall into enemy hands.

For Ze fatherland, Igor.

Jawohl, Herr Kapitn.

Heil Hitler!

Aaaargh!

A slight improvement in altitude, sir.

Raus!

Heil Hitler!

We've got him on the run!

He's on the run!

Bye-bye, Englanders!

I'm going to bring

my little barges across the water.

Ach! You win again, Herr Goebbels.

You stopped me from invading England.

I did, I did!

That makes it three-nil.

But still, this hasn't solved

the problem of the invasion.

Oh, hi, boys!

Himmler!

Goering, old bean, you're looking good.

Hello, Goebbels.

How are you feeling, little fellow?

I beat Herr Goering at war!

So, you still can't find a way

into England, Goering?

Nein. I have tried everything.

Zis endless fog

over the Englander Channel

has prevented all of our plans

for invading England.

Well, now that the whole

of Ze Englander army is stuck in France

and Ze RAF is annihilated!

# Ah-da, da-da, da-da! #

Ze Fhrer has an ingenious plan of attack.

Oh, what is it, Herr Himmler?

I have tried every possible means

of attacking Zat little island.

He wants us to dig

under Ze Englander Channel

right into Ze heart of London,

capture Herr Winston Churchill

from Downing Street,

Zen lock him in a cage!

Ooh, what a beautiful plan, mein Fhrer.

Did you hear that, Goebbels, darling?

- We will be summering in London!

- Oh, joyous joy!

Oh-ho! Not even the Englander weather

can prevent us now!

Spitfire!

Look, Tom.

Yeah, and I reckon

that's the last of the few.

Shiiiiiit!

Ah!

Whoo-ee!

Crash and burn!

Just like my second marriage.

Hey, what the? What's this?

Smells like Russky propaganda.

Sh*t.

It looks like England

just screwed the pooch.

I gotta haul ass to London.

These commies ain't seen

the last of Billy Fiske!

Yaah!

I can't be doing with

all these politics of war and suchlike.

Much rather spend me time

painting landscapes,

or building a wall.

Nice cul-de-sac for our retirement,

eh, Pinkypoo?

Just three more days till me pension.

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