Jakob The Liar

Hitler goes to|a fortuneteller and asks:

"When will I die?"

And the fortuneteller replies:

"On a Jewish holiday. "

Hitler then asks,|"How do you know that?"

And she replies:

"Any day you die|will be a Jewish holiday. "

So you ask me, as a Jew:

"How could you tell a joke like that|at a time like that?"

That's how we survived.

Those were some of the things|that kept us going.

Everything else,|the Germans had taken.

They built high walls with|barbed wire to shut us in the ghetto.

We were isolated from the rest|of the world for years without news.

So we relied on the little things:

A dark joke.

A sunny day.

A hopeful rumour.

That's why we'd go|and sit by the ghetto wall...

...and look at the tree|where I first kissed Hannah.

And it was by that wall|that it all started.

With a single sheet of newspaper.

No! It's too dangerous!

Where can she go?

Run, liebele. Run!

Be safe. Go, go, go!

DarIing!

We'II see you soon!|We Iove you, Lina!

HaIt!

What are you doing there?|Trying to escape from the ghetto?

Name!

Jakob Heym.

Don't you know it's punishabIe|by death for a Jew...

...to be in the streets after curfew?

You're right.|Of course you're right.

One hundred percent correct.

I don't think|the siren went off yet.

A smart Jew! Go over there!

Present yourseIf|to the officer on duty...

...and teII him|you were out after 8!

But it's not 8.

Are you arguing?

Go!

This is the radio of|the German Armed Forces Network.

HeiI, HitIer!

We will now broadcast|a special bulletin.

During a hard-fought|defensive battle...

...heroic troops of the Fatherland,|under General von Hartung...

...succeeded in driving back|the Russian forces near Bezanika.

Bezanika is a very strategic point|of this sector.

We will now broadcast a message|from our Fhrer.

Bezanika.

The Russians are there,|onIy 400 kiIometres away.

My God!|They're in PoIand.

What are you doing here?

The sentry sent me to Your RoyaIness|for my proper punishment.

AIthough I hadn't heard the siren,|and with due respect...

...if his watch is right,|then your cIock is wrong.

But that is for you to decide.

Decide?

What?

My appropriate punishment.

Even though, I take the Iiberty|of repeating myseIf:

It's not yet quite 8:00.

It stiII isn't 8:00.|It's onIy three minutes to 8.

Two minutes to 8.

Then the gentIeman, the sentry,|was just making fun of me.

Just because there's a war...

...peopIe shouIdn't stop joking|with one another.

May I?

We Jews are partiaI to jokes too.

Do you Iive far from here?

Ten minutes, if I run.

Then hurry.

PIease may I have a pass?

Now what do I do, Hannah?|I'm Iocked outside.

Gotta keep going.

It's crazy, Hannah.

I may be the onIy Jew|for 400 kiIometres...

...trying to get|back into the ghetto.

To get across that distance,|you have to be a mouse.

Oh, God of the Jews!

Why didn't you make your peopIe|a race of mice?

I ask you quite frankIy:|What good does it do to be a man?

I'm going.

I go.

Not yet!

Wait for the searchIight to go by.

-Who are you?|-Lina Kronstein.

I'm 10 1I2. How oId are you?

Watch out!

What are you doing here, anyway?|Trying to escape?

Where? A Jew wouId not Iast|five minutes out there.

So you're going back in?

Yes.

May I come with you?

With me?

Why me?

Who eIse?

AII right.

Come on.

Oh, wait! Wait!

You're scared?

No. Terrified.

Come on! This way!

-Here.|-Thank you, IittIe mouse.

Hide! PoIice!

Here!

Bye-bye, IittIe girI.

Thanks for saving my Iife.

You'II have to excuse me.

I'm very tired. I'm going home.|You shouId do the same.

Maybe I'II take the tram.

Bye-bye.

AII right.

Where wouId you Iike to go?|Do you have money for your fare?

Come on.

You can't stay here.|You have to go home.

Where are your parents?

Come on!

Our apartment is much nicer.|We have a Iiving room.

WeII, when there were|10 peopIe crammed in here...

...I'II show you no Iiving room.

If you don't Iike it,|find another hoteI.

That's not a nice thing|to say to me.

Excuse me.

-Where do I sIeep?|-Upstairs.

Why not here?

Because some nosy neighbour|might see you and denounce me...

...and then the Germans wiII come.|Come on.

-Here, kitty, kitty.|-Leave the cat aIone.

-Don't you Iike cats?|-No. I prefer a rat.

I don't want to see you|pIaying with that cat.

I certainIy don't want to see you|catch it and eat it.

Any cat that Iets itseIf|get caught is sick.

AII right, but|what am I supposed to eat?

You don't have|any ration coupons for me.

That's true.

I'II burn that bridge|when I get to it.

Here we are.

Look.

There's heat from the chimney.

Here's a book about Africa. You read|this, you'II forget you're hungry.

Don't worry. I'm used to it.

Now, come on.

-What's wrong?|-I Iost my doII.

Sorry, I don't have any doIIs.

Why not?

WeII, me and my wife|didn't have any chiIdren.

Where is your wife?|Did they put her on a train?

No, they shot her!

Under a tree.

Don't ask me what kind of tree.|I didn't bother to ask.

Time for sIeep.

It's crazy, Hannah.

I manage to more or Iess|smuggIe myseIf through the war.

I even got out|of the Kommandantur aIive.

And now I'm supposed|to take care of a IittIe girI.

I know we wanted a chiId.

But you usuaIIy|have them as babies...

...and you get|a chance to know them.

That's true.

But what if the Germans find her?|I'm the one who'II have to pay.

If the Russians are that cIose...

...it's onIy a few days, right?

Bezanika

Germans are dying each day

Russians are on their way

-KowaIsky!|-We're cIosed. We're cIosed.

-Time to open!|-Leave me aIone. Go away!

What are you doing?

-You can't kiII yourseIf.|-You got a reason why not?

Yeah, I have a good one.

That's just between you and me.

Yesterday evening|something very funny happened.

ActuaIIy, not that funny.|You might not find it funny.

-It's where I caught this coId--|-Get to the point.

The point is, my friend, yesterday after|curfew, I was in the Kommandantur--

-Are you an informer?|-Are you out of your mind?

No Jew Ieaves the Kommandantur|aIive except informers.

Don't teII me Iies.|I'm desperate, not stupid.

Get out of here, pIease.|PIease Ieave me aIone.

Go ahead.

PeopIe wiII say KowaIsky|didn't keep his part of a bargain.

I'm entitIed to|daiIy shaves and haircuts.

In exchange, you can eat|aII the pancakes you want in my caf.

You haven't made any for 3 years.

What can I do?|The Germans don't Iet potatoes in.

But your beard keeps growing.

That's not my fauIt.|A deaI's a deaI.

Oh, good.

What are you compIaining about?|You have a duII razor.

Sit down.

Barber with a duII razor|is Iike a bIind moyl.

No insuIts. Sit down, pIease.|Here we go.

Here. Enough.

Good. Enough!

Professor!

No, thank you.

Excuse me.|My respects, professor.

I caught a coId Iast night.|Do you have some medicaI advice?

You know my prescription: A cigar|and brandy, taken in Monte CarIo.

Give me your hand, professor.

-You have a good night?|-Good night?

If three suicides baIanced by|one birth is a good night, then, yes.

SpIendid, wonderfuI night.

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