Jason Nash Is Married

1

- Man, I tell you.

It is... it is hard.

I hear her... her voice

in my head all the time.

I walk in the door,

and she's asking me

something to do.

When the... when the lock turns,

she's like, "can you"...

it's unbelievable.

I mean, it's... and then,

you know, I don't have a job.

And I can't get a job

because I'm constantly

watching the kids.

And...

I mean, I got to tell you, man,

sometimes it feels like I threw

my whole life away.

- Oh, Jason, that's ridiculous.

Come on, man.

You're doing the right thing,

man.

You got a beautiful family.

- You really think so?

- Yeah.

- Thank you so much

for saying that.

- Ooh, you know what?

I'm supposed to f*** this chick

on the other side of town.

So I'm gonna take off.

Unless you want me to stay here.

'Cause I don't have to f*** her.

I can stay here with you.

- No. No, of course.

- Okay, yeah,

'cause I-i got to go.

- Okay.

- You let yourself out, right?

- Yeah.

How... see you later.

- Two, three, four.

- I have this joke I do

in my act,

and it goes like this:

People used to ask me, "you look

so happy with your wife."

What's the secret?"

And the secret to a great

marriage is very simple,

and here it is:

One person eats sh*t

over and over again,

breakfast, lunch, dinner,

and the other person

soars like a bird,

higher and higher,

flying horizontally

between two canyons,

and then coming back around

and feeding off the lost dreams

of the first person.

And if you don't have that,

well, then,

you'll never be happy.

I was married for seven years.

It was the hardest thing

I've ever had to do.

There's no right and wrong

in marriage.

It's just what will work.

- Hello?

I'm open for business.

- Yeah, I know,

and you look great.

I just... you know, we've been

getting along so well lately.

I don't want to ruin

the friendship.

And that's not to say

I'm not to blame.

- Jason, you look amazing.

Ooh, seriously, though, busy.

How do you keep your hands off

this guy?

- Well, you know,

he doesn't make any money,

so it's not hard.

- I could've got a job,

and I could've ditched

my dipshit friends.

Arthur, it's Jason Nash.

- It's Jason f***ing Nash!

- Yeah, what's wrong with you,

huh?

- What's happening?

- Let his kid in your school!

- I don't have much

control over...

- ah, yeah!

- See, unlike me,

busy knew exactly

what she wanted at all times.

- Jason, I can't go.

I have work. I have work.

- It's really a great quality.

Okay, so mommy's gonna stay

here, okay, guys?

And we're gonna go.

But if she wasn't doing

what she wanted...

- All right.

She was very unhappy.

Isn't this great?

- It's really, really not.

- And in the end,

I did what a lot of guys do.

I f***ed things up.

- Do you have someplace to go?

- Ah!

- Hey, whoa.

- Ah, ah.

- Sorry, neighbor.

Didn't you hear me knocking?

- Yeah, I did.

I didn't want to talk

to anybody.

- Hey, I'm scooter.

Official single-guy

welcoming committee.

Little known fact:

I've had my dick out in every

apartment in this building.

- Scooter, I just moved in,

and I'm actually going through

a separation,

and I'm just feeling

a little depressed.

- All us divorced guys,

we look out for each other.

- Yeah, I'm separated.

- What's with the dick sweeper?

- Well, you know,

we're just living

in a cool part of town now,

so I was just trying to do,

like,

a silver lake

hipster kind of thing.

- Mm, more like a

"gargle another man's balls"

kind of thing.

Not that I haven't been there.

HUH?

Just f***ing with ya.

Sh*t.

What's this?

- That's my wig and costume box,

but please don't touch that.

- Dude, since we're gonna be

bro-ing out together,

we should write a sitcom

about our exploits.

- Ah, no,

I'm not gonna do that with you.

That sounds terrible

to spend that much time

with you.

- Seriously, do you know anybody

in the TV business?

- Uh, me? No.

Nope.

I don't know anybody

in the TV business.

- We got to find someone.

- TV is what busy does.

She's a producer.

I would've loved to have done

something like that,

but I could never get a job

doing it.

Before I got married,

I had a lot of promise.

I tried to get my own show

many times, but...

Every time I get into a room

with people,

something happens.

So what'd you think?

Did you like it?

- It's like hope has run

so far away from this guy

that it's actually gone...

it's, like,

sunk beyond the horizon

and he's in a land

of endless night, you know,

no wheat's growing,

no engines are running.

Everything's dying.

- I had this voice

in the back of my head,

and it always says

the same thing.

"You have no business

being part of society."

I know what you're saying.

"Oh, why doesn't he quit

and just get a job at a bank?"

A bank?

A bank wouldn't hire me.

I've spent the last ten years

making status updates.

I'm unhireable.

Besides, you think

that's the answer?

To go work somewhere

where you're miserable?

Nah, I'm sorry.

That's... that's not what life

is about.

Life is about

following the thing

that you're passionate about

until the very end,

at any cost,

no matter how stupid you look.

- All right, you ready?

- I'm ready.

- We are good.

- This look good?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay.

- That's a real gun, by the way,

so be careful.

- What?

- I said, it's a real gun,

so be careful.

- You got a real gun?

- Well, it's my dad's.

- But why would you use

a real gun?

This is a silly sketch.

- BECAUSE... YOU SEE BLACK RAIN?

- BLACK RAIN?

- THE MOVIE.

- WITH...

- Michael Douglas. YEAH.

- Did you see the guns,

how fake they looked?

Looks real...

- just take this.

I don't... I don't...

- J!

- Hey.

- What are you doing?

What is this?

- What are you doing home?

I thought you were at work.

- Yeah, I was.

Charley had her checkup,

remember?

Why are you wearing

that ridiculous wig?

What... hi.

- You know Dennis.

- Hi.

- Uh, we're shooting

a video for a contest

for a comedy website.

- All right.

Well, what's the contest?

What's the prize?

- A tote bag.

Jason, I just saw this.

Were you gonna tell me

about this?

- I want to pay that. I do.

- You owe $30,000 in back taxes?

- I know. I know.

I saw that bill.

- You have to get a job.

- I know. I got to do something

about that.

- You have to.

- I know.

You know, I'm gonna get a job.

I'm gonna get a job.

Right after we do this,

I'm gonna send out some emails.

- Okay, you're just...

that's how...

you're gonna send off

some emails and get a...

what are you gonna do?

What's the plan?

- Look, I want to reassure you

that totally responsibly Jason

is here,

and I'm going to grow up,

starting now.

- Sh*t, man.

This is loaded.

I forgot to take the clip out.

- Oh, my God. Jason.

- You're not around

a lot of children, are you?

- Ball.

- I got an idea.

- What?

- I want to get you a meeting

at blazers media.

- Oh, to pitch a show?

- No, dude.

To be a receptionist.

My law firm represents this guy

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