JCVD

It didn't work.

It didn't work.

In the middle there...

It's on amidst...

The window didn't

explode right...

and it is very difficult for me

to do everything in one shot.

You know, I'm 47 years old...

Just because he brought

John Woo to Hollywood

doesn't mean he can rub my dick

with sandpaper.

He still thinks

we're making Citizen Kane?

Not using a gun symbolizes

the whole purity of the character.

The purity...

This isn't about adults...

We're talking about a child,

an environment...

My client...

is aware...

of the responsibility

of raising a child.

She leads a quiet,

peaceful life.

On the other hand,

we have an actor here

who's obviously disgruntled.

Whose known past problems

I just mentioned

are less than ambiguous.

And whose entire

career experience

is with films

whose values

no responsible

aware parent

would ever want to

expose their children to,

including myself, Your Honor.

Violence...

that's all on film,

Your Honor.

The legitimacy

of violence...

How this actor

play death?

Let me count

the ways.

Mangled under the wheels

a truck...

Strangulation...

Fracturing the skull...

Taking out

"the timber log"...

They were low budgets. Every one

of my movies were having heart!

Laceration...

Crushed under

the wheels of a car...

Death by strangulation...

Crushed ribs...

I make money with this!

I feed them!

- Please be seated, Mr.

- It's not about money!

- Allez, one more! Again.

- Gauging out the eye...

Kicks to the groin...

Can I go to the

restroom, please?

Crushed under the

wheels of a truck...

Gauging out the eyes...

Crushing the skull...

Sh*t.

- Take off! Immediately! Take off!

- Allright!

See the Arab in the film?

See that beard? Ever seen one

like that on a plane or a bus?

You think I look like him?

The movie's from 1986...

Haven't you ever had an idea just

to realize you've seen it before?

Chuck Norris giving Ben Laden

the idea of 9-11, that's bull!

But Chuck Norris

works for the CIA.

Yesterday it was Schwarzy...

Seen how the Arabs in "True Lies"

get all excited like hyenas?

Action films need bad guys.

Exactly! In the 70's,

it was the Viets, now the Arabs.

Stallone in "Rambo 3",

Hauer in "Wanted: Dead or Alive",

Bruce Willis in "The Siege",

Steven Seagal in

"Executive Decision"?

And what's his name,

Mark Wahlberg who fights in Irak?

- Van Damme!

- He never hit Arabs!

Dummy, Van Damme's outside!

Hey, Mr Van Damme! Wait!

I'm a great fan of yours!

- How are you?

- Fine and you?

- What's this? Lost in Schaerbeek?

- Going to the post office.

A quick snap for the store?

Thanks, sir!

Look, it's Van Damme!

Hello!

Don't hello him.

Just take the picture.

Yeah!

Your turn, now.

Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Good?

Wait, my grandma

adores you too...

In five minutes!

Thanks, sir. Wow!

It was Jean-Claude Van Damme!

He's cool! I pictured him taller,

but he's short.

He's cool! Classy and all!

He's all tanned.

He'll be right back.

- He cured cancer or what?

- Why? Did you?

- No, but nobody kisses my ass.

- He's a star!

He left this shithole,

for Hollywood.

He fought to be

where he is now.

You've never left town!

Whether you're a star or a dog,

I don't care!

Then why are you waiting for him?

You can't park here!

He's just a regular guy.

Back off, watch my car!

Calm down, ma'am!

Move back!

I don't wanna see you around here.

- Help me, sir.

- You can't park here.

- Only 10 minutes!

- She's waiting for her idol.

- Who's the idol?

- Jean-Claude Van Damme.

- Who?

- Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Get outta here!

"Aware!"

Look, we have pictures.

- How is he?

- He's nice.

He's just a regular guy, sir.

I don't think so.

The guy's a star.

He left this shithole

for Hollywood...

He fought to get

where he is now.

You've never even left town!

So what?

Bunch of ass-kissers...

What'd you say?

I was talking to them.

Help me!

I was talking to

them, I swear!

You have a flat here.

Registration!

- Oh, come on!

- Registration!

- Don't ruin my day, please!

- Registration!

- I always get the crap, thanks!

- Anytime!

You owe me big time!

Shut up!

For once, it's not my fault!

Please, ma'am. Shut up!

Stop now.

Don't stay here!

Get lost!

You heard me!

Sh*t...

Open! What's going

on in there?

What's going on!

On the ground!

Central to Unit 27.

Jean-Claude Van Damme's robbing

a post office. I need back-up.

Possible hostage situation.

I repeat

possible hostage situation.

before the Question.

He's in court

for his daughter's custody.

and he can't approach

his ex-wife...

He picked up!

He picked up!

Please, move, convince...

Perfect.

Mr Van Damme?

This is Commissioner Bruges.

How are things inside?

It could be better.

OK, let me ask you first,

is anyone injured?

Hello?

Jean-Claude?

No, no.

A man's unconscious

and bleeding.

Jean-Claude,

may I call you Jean-Claude?

I'm Commissioner Christian Bruges.

Call me Christian.

You have to release

the wounded man.

It's not in your interest, nor mine,

to have blood on our hands.

Will you release him?

No, no one leaves.

It's impossible.

What if I came with

a doctor? Hello?

Jean-Claude?

What if I came with a doctor?

Fine, but unarmed.

I give you my word.

Commissioner Bruges?

Call me a doc please!

- Lieutenant Perthier, SWAT team.

- I just spoke with Van Damme.

So, I'm going inside and then,

we'll debrief, if necessary.

- I'd like to deploy my men.

- No, it's too soon.

Could I borrow a vest?

I'll give it back.

Jackie.

A doctor, please.

I asked for a doc!

Get me a doc!

Eric went to med school.

- OK, let's go.

- Boss!

Hello? Jean-Claude?

No!

You have my word that...

Jean-Claude,

we're here to find...

What?

We see the chief of police

exiting the video store,

crisis unit HQ,

and going towards the post office

in his boxer shorts.

Is Van Damme

trying to mock the police?

In any case,

it seems to be working

as the public

is rooting for him

in spite of today's events.

The shorts! The shorts!

Don't shoot, I'm a hostage!

Drop the kit.

Slide it over.

Check the kit.

Go to the back room.

Hurry! He's bleeding!

No tricks, Jean-Claude.

Van Damme's fame

has driven them here.

They're clearly fans,

here to support him,

and the slightest move

gets the crowd on fire,

yelling out his name.

We 've heard a few snide remarks,

like the one about the Commissioner

who went out in his shorts.

But the situation is dramatic.

Sir, don't move.

What am I doing here?

What's going on?

Calm down, sir.

- Don't move.

- It hurts.

What the f***...

No, Jean-Claude!

Don't move!

Get outta here!

Calm down, Jean-Claude!

Get outta here!

The curtain!

Help them!

Right on!

Gimme five! Awesome!

How did you do that?

Seriously! What a pro!

What's this?

See what he did?

This isn't a movie!

What do I care?

Take him with the others!

Fast!

Listen, smart-ass,

you better think of something

or I'll shoot...

How do you do it Jean-Claude?

You got him in the balls

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