Jeff, Who Lives at Home

I watched Signs again last night.

It keeps getting better

every time I see it.

It's funny.

The first time you watch it,

it's hard to understand what it's about.

It just sort of meanders.

And then, everything comes together

in this one perfect moment at the end.

And when you watch it a second

or a third or a fourth time,

you start to see that

all of this randomness

is leading towards a perfect moment.

My favorite character is the little girl.

Everyone thinks she's so strange

because she can't finish

a glass of water.

She's convinced they're contaminated.

So, by the end of the film,

there are glasses of water

littered around this house.

And then, it's the water that saves them.

And that was fate.

I can't help but wonder about my fate.

About my destiny.

Renewal.

Vitality.

Energy.

Are you tired of feeling sluggish?

Do you feel like life is passing you by?

Then we've got the solution for you.

It's called "The Most Incredible Vitamin

In The World"

and there's a reason you're watching

this right now.

Just pick up the phone

and start the new chapter to your life.

Call now. Not available in stores.

Made in Germany.

Beware of imitators. Call 1-800...

Hello?

Yo, Kevin.

No, this is Jeff.

Where Kevin at?

I don't know.

Oh, man, look, don't be f***ing around!

Where the f*** is Kevin?

Kevin doesn't live here.

There's always some motherf***er

trying to tell me there ain't no Kevin!

Let me put this word in your f***ing

peanut brain, Kevin! K-E-V-I-N!

Kevin.

What are you doing?

Doing this.

Some strawbs,

hand-sliced.

A white rose of whipped cream. Bam!

Bon apptit.

What's the special occasion?

This is one of those

"just because" breakfasts, you know?

It sounds corny,

but relationships are like flowers

and flowers need water to bloom.

Consider this sprinkling

from a watering can.

Well, thanks.

- That's nice.

- You're welcome. Enjoy.

Oh, my gosh.

I got some good news, actually.

Yeah?

I got a phone call from Randy.

Is he the guy

that we talked to at that barbecue?

Oh, no, that's a different Randy.

- But that guy's name was Randy, right?

- Yes.

I liked his wife.

Different Randy.

- We should have them over.

- Yeah.

This is Randy at Millennium Porsche.

Can I tell you something?

With no money down,

this thing is practically free.

Pat! No!

Whoa, whoa. Don't start with no.

- That's what this is.

- Don't start with no.

You're just, like, in this mindset.

And you're not even...

It's not a mindset.

We don't have the money.

Yeah.

That's the mindset I'm talking about.

Honey, look, I'm trying

to be really careful,

and I've cut back on some things.

And, like, we promised

we were going to get a house this year...

I'm just trying

to be a grown-up about this.

Surprise.

We got it.

This is happening.

Look... Everything you just

said about the house,

you know, our future,

you're exactly right.

And I'm so lucky to have you

looking out for us in that way.

But I'm looking out

for us in another way.

I'm looking out for...

That intangible thing

that every couple needs.

It's a little bit of magic,

and a little bit of danger, frankly.

This is gonna solve

a lot of our problems.

This tension right now.

As soon as you get in that thing

and you feel the energy

and you feel it rumble

in your gut.

If you don't get turned on,

you're made of stone.

Where is it?

It's in the driveway.

Are you... Is this...

Oh, come on. Okay, okay... That's...

Hello?

- Mom?

- Jeff.

Hi.

You know, you're supposed to say

"hello" when you pick up the phone.

Yeah, I know.

I thought that maybe

you were somebody else, but you're not.

What do you do in the basement?

You're not cleaning it.

You really want to know?

You didn't like it last time

we had this conversation.

Okay, no. You know what?

You're right. I don't.

Did you get the wood glue?

What are you talking about?

I left you a note on the kitchen counter.

I haven't been upstairs.

One of the shutters on the pantry

is broken and I need you to fix it.

You know what,

I'm kind of busy right now, so...

All I want for my birthday

is for you to get your ass off that couch,

and you get on the bus

- and you go to the Home Depot.

- I'm not on the couch.

You come home and fix the shutter

before I get home,

or you're gonna find

someplace else to live.

- Fine.

- Fine.

Good. You got it? Do you understand?

Yes, Mom! Okay!

Love you! Goodbye.

Did you hang up on me?

- Oh, thank you.

- You're welcome.

Stop the bus.

Can you please stop the bus?

Sorry. Thank you.

Can I help you?

Can I help you, sir?

No.

What?

Pass the ball!

Go, go, go!

Sh*t, you a'ight?

Get your big ass up, man.

You bleeding and sh*t?

- He out, man.

- We need another person.

We need one!

You got next.

Who, him?

He gonna be a ref?

That's all we got. That's all we got.

Let's see what he got.

Let's go, dawg. Get out here.

Oh, he's passing now.

Right there, dawg.

What's your problem?

That's your man.

Why don't you play some D, man?

Right, right, right.

Hell, no!

You working on this? Come on, man.

Go, go, go, go.

I'm Jeff.

Kevin.

Ke...

Kevin.

Is your name Kevin Kevin?

No.

So, that's your first name

on your jersey?

Yeah, that's my name.

Yeah.

Do you live around here?

Yeah, I don't live far from here.

You obviously don't

live around here, though.

No, I was just strolling around today.

It was a nice day,

so I thought I'd walk around.

Were you following me, or...

No. I mean, no.

I saw you on the bus.

Let me explain.

Have you ever seen the movie Signs?

With Mel Gibson and Rory Culkin,

and Abigail Breslin?

Nah, I don't think I have.

I got a phone call this morning.

Someone was asking for Kevin.

But there's no Kevin who lives with me.

It's kind of a common name.

Yeah. I guess that's true.

I mean, you never got a call,

like someone called

the wrong house phone?

What if there's no wrong numbers?

Maybe it's always the right house phone.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Exactly. No, that's exactly it.

Hey, man, I'm about to go

put something in the air real quick.

I don't know if you want to come.

I don't... I'm sorry...

I don't know what that means.

Smoke weed?

You want to smoke weed with me?

Yeah, man.

I like weed.

Yeah, I can see that.

Wow.

It's nice in here.

- That's nice.

- Yeah.

Oh, sh*t. That's a treat.

Check his pockets!

Sorry, Jeff.

Marriage is a compromise.

She got what she wanted,

I'm living here in Baton Rouge.

So I get a little somethin'-somethin'.

- Right?

- Sure.

Yeah.

Thank you. You know what's up.

I got to take this... It's a business call.

Sweetheart, can I get another Bud Light.

Do you want more wings?

Whatever.

Fine. I will get glue and fix your shutter.

No. It is Jeff's responsibility.

That is the point.

He has to do it, not you.

Jeff has to do it.

Okay. What are you...

Why are you calling me?

Maybe you could get him

moving a little bit. Do you understand?

He's stuck, honey. He's stuck.

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