Jeff, Who Lives at Home Page #2

He's 30!

He had a difficult adolescent period.

You of all people would know neither of

us had a very easy adolescent period.

- You were older.

- What does that have to do with it?

When you're an adult, you take

responsibility for your life. Okay?

But you're brothers.

You love each other, don't you?

You know, fake it

for a little bit just to get... You know.

Maybe he'll grow on you.

We don't do that, Mom. We don't

spend time together.

Well, Pat, could you at least try?

It's my birthday.

I gotta call you back.

- No, no, no, Pat...

- Bye.

Damn it. A**hole.

Jeff!

Pat?

What the hell are you doing here?

Kevin beat me up. I walked.

Who's Kevin?

Some kid I was following.

Well, if he's a kid,

how come you didn't kick his ass?

Because I don't believe in fighting, Pat.

And you know that.

Right. I forgot. You're a p*ssy.

Look, Mom called

and she's really pissed.

Was Gandhi a p*ssy?

Yeah, Gandhi was a p*ssy.

And once again,

I have to pick up your slack.

Well, it's not your problem.

Well, it becomes my problem

when Mom calls me

in the middle of a business meeting.

Yeah? You're having

a business meeting at Hooters?

Yeah. Yes.

That's very classy.

Right. Well, business is business.

So, come on. Get in the car.

Hey! You don't need to grab onto me.

I'm a little bit conflicted right now,

that's all.

About what?

You're just gonna make fun of me, man.

Let's go. Try me.

I want to learn how you think

because I want to free my mind.

Let me try to explain it to you maybe

in terms that you would understand.

- Okay.

- This morning

I was meant to have

a business meeting with the Kevins.

And destiny. And now you're here

at this weird Hooters thing...

And so now I'm just trying

to figure out how to proceed.

What you just said

sounded like Yoda took acid

and stumbled into a business meeting.

You can make all the fun of Yoda

that you want,

Yoda would be f***ing killer

in a business meeting.

Whatever, man. Come on!

Let's go. Get in the Porsche.

Sh*t!

Hey, I think your Porsche

got a ticket, Pat.

Shut up, Jeff. Just get in the car.

This Porsche is tiny.

The Porsche is normal-sized.

You're a sasquatch.

Are those workout gloves?

I don't think so.

They came with the car so...

Check this out. You see where those

cars are stopping up ahead?

Yeah.

I should probably stop

pretty soon, right?

Pat, slow down.

What? I can't hear you!

Bose surround sound!

Hey, stop it, dude. This is not funny.

- Count to three and I'll stop.

- Pat, please stop.

Count of three! One! Two!

- Pat, look out!

- Three!

Curb! Curb!

Sh*t! Yes!

Will you please stop the car?

It handles better at high speeds!

- Stop the car!

- Shut up!

Tree! Tree!

Pat?

F***!

Wow. Yeah, that's real bad.

Oh, sh*t.

What the f***?

He looks mad.

Are you on drugs?

How many beers have you had?

Shut up, Jeff. Shut up.

Did you not see that damn tree?

Whatever you do, don't say a word.

Stay in the f***ing car.

I am fine, yes. Thank you for asking.

Burt, should we call an ambulance?

Hi. There was a pedestrian child

in the street

and in order to avoid killing it,

I had to swerve

and maneuver onto your sidewalk,

at which point I lost control

of my vehicle

and I've hit your tree here.

We can see that.

Do you think we're blind?

No. Of course not.

I just would like to apologize.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine. Just a little stunned.

I think that one's hurt.

Maybe we should call the police.

He's fine. He's okay.

That child's not moving.

Ma'am, he's okay.

Jeff, will you get out of the car?

Yeah. Get out of the car.

Show her that you're fine.

See? Live and limber.

- Baby, are you sure you're all right?

- Look at that.

- I am fine, thank you.

- Look at that. Good as new.

You remind me of my grandson.

Is his name Kevin, by any chance?

Brian, why?

No reason, ma'am.

Do you think there's any way that you

and I can take care of this ourselves?

I really don't want to hang out here

all afternoon with the cops.

I don't know...

There's some bark off that tree.

It might have ruined the tree, baby.

Whoa. Is that Linda?

Give me 500 bucks,

and we'll call it even.

Excuse me?

No "excuse me," man.

Look at my tree here.

That's a 200-year-old tree.

Might have to do some landscaping.

I'll probably have

to bring a tractor in here

and a backhoe and dig all this stuff up.

It's a tree!

Have you been drinking?

No.

Why don't we just

let the police decide that. Call 911.

- $100.

- Times five.

- $150.

- Plus $350.

- Fine. Call the police.

- Call 911.

God damn it!

You take a check?

Yeah. No problem.

Oh, good.

Boy, he's got some nerve, don't he?

Trying to negotiate

with you about our tree.

He come in my yard, hit my tree.

You look at that tree

and he don't think he owes me.

Who's that guy she's with?

Get in the car, Jeff.

It was very, very quick

and it could have been somebody...

She was wearing a peach dress

that she wore this morning, okay?

And they got into our car!

Man, something really big

is happening here.

Yeah, no sh*t, Jeff!

My wife is having an affair!

We don't know that yet.

Let's follow this

and see where this leads.

Well, I'm trying to,

but I can't see dick so it's kind of hard.

Go! Go! Go, go!

Hang on.

- I see them!

- Where?

They're just up here to the left!

There they are! Pat.

What the f*** are you doing?

You told me to hurry!

Tell me before you swerve

so I don't fall off the f***ing car!

Okay. Whatever, just focus on the road!

Where are they going?

They're turning up there!

What street?

South Clark! South Clark!

They're going to Cochon! Damn it!

Let me tell you about Cochon.

It's full of A-holes

who look down on everybody

that's not, like, part of the cool-guy club.

It's so lame.

Look at this, no parking.

I can wait with the car.

No. I got it.

Pat, there's a fire hydrant!

There's a fire hydrant right here.

I got it.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay, what we got here

is a friendly lunch.

It could be a coworker.

It could be a long-lost cousin.

She hates her coworkers

and I know her whole family.

We got to hear what they're saying.

Well, body language

can tell you a lot, man.

- You're going in there.

- What, me?

Yeah.

I'm not really dressed properly, Pat.

Why don't you just go in there

and talk to her?

This could all be

a huge misunderstanding.

If I talk to her, she's just gonna deny it.

Why wouldn't she tell you the truth?

Oh, my God. You have no idea

how adult relationships work, do you?

You haven't had a girlfriend

since high school.

- So? So?

- So? So...

I need to find out

exactly what's going on

so I'll have the upper hand later.

Do you still love Linda?

There's an empty booth next to them.

Okay?

Just sneak in with my phone.

Here's a little grease money.

Okay. Get in there,

do what you got to do.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- How do you do? Lovely.

- Fine, thank you.

Can I help you?

Table for one, please.

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