Jeff, Who Lives at Home Page #3

- Right this way.

- Great. Thank you.

- Oh, miss?

- Yes?

Could I sit there?

Those tables are saved for two patrons.

- Right.

- Right this way.

Miss? You know what? Excuse me.

There are going to be two patrons.

There will be two patrons.

You said table of one.

I meant that more like

in the bistro sense,

like one plus another one?

Well, just in case, I think this table back

here would be quite lovely for you guys.

What if I grease you?

I'm sorry?

I have money.

There's two fives, some ones.

There's a 20.

If I could just sit at that table.

I can't explain.

But it's really important.

I mean, I honestly don't even feel

like he really likes me.

Well, that's his problem. I mean...

From where I stand,

there's plenty to like.

Thank you, Steve.

You're a really good listener.

Thank you.

It's such a treat.

I'm just being myself.

Don't say anything.

She might recognize your voice.

If you can hear me,

give me a thumbs-up.

Okay, now take the talking part

of the phone and hold it,

but keep it low, don't let them see.

I really don't think that

you want to hear this.

Jeff, just do it! Okay?

Stop talking

so I can hear what's going on.

I can't. Honestly,

I lost a lot of friends because of Pat.

'Cause my friends just don't like him.

I think a little bit's my fault,

'cause I would complain

a lot to them and...

For a really long time,

I've felt like he and I are...

I don't know...

We got, like,

weirdly competitive with each other.

We just never communicate.

He just never listens, ever.

Gosh.

I shouldn't even be talking about this

but we haven't had sex in...

I mean, over two months.

That's a long time.

And I think, kind of,

what's worse than that

is that it's so awkward.

Well, having sex is one thing

but making love

is something else, right?

What does that even mean?

Thank you, Steve.

I'm not used to being able

to talk so openly with someone

and have them listen,

and care what I'm saying and...

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Wait!

Pat, what do you want

me to do now, huh?

Hello, my name is Rob. Can I start you

out with something to drink?

Some water.

Excuse me?

- I'll have water.

- I'm sorry?

I'll take some f***in' water, Rob.

Absolutely.

Jeff?

Whoa! Hey.

- Wow!

- Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm just... Lunching it up, you know?

Getting a little bistro action.

I...

Have you ever met my friend, Steve?

This is my brother-in-law, Jeff.

- This is Steve.

- Hey, Jeff, nice to meet you, man.

- My friend Steve.

- Steve.

We were just gonna leave.

Did you still want me

to drop you off at your car?

Yep. Yeah.

So, I'm going to take him to his car,

and I'll see you later.

Hope so.

Nice meeting you, Jeff.

Pat, they're coming out...

What the f***?

Jeff! They went that way!

Pat! Well, then, let's go get the car!

- No car!

- What?

No car! Help me get a cab!

What are you talkin' about?

What happened to the car?

Nothing! It got towed.

- That's not funny!

- I'm not...

- I know. I know it's not.

- It's so not funny!

Help me get a cab!

- There's no way to know where they are.

- Great.

What do we do?

I think we should just

sit down right here.

- And?

- And wait.

- For what?

- For a sign.

I'm not gonna sit here

and wait for a f***ing sign!

Okay, well, then let's walk!

A school bus just drove by! It's a sign!

What does it mean?

Do we go to a school?

Is my wife f***ing some guy

in a janitor closet?

I don't think that's it.

I don't think that's it.

- That's not it.

- Good guess.

Now what?

What are you doing?

I'm looking for a credit card slip.

I don't see why.

If I find the slip, I get his last name

and then we can look up

where he lives and go beat him up.

No, I get it. I just don't think

they throw those things away.

Just shut up and help.

Find it yet?

- How about now?

- That's not helping!

I think we've gotten

off track somewhere.

Like I've gotten off track.

Something feels wrong.

Fine. I'll do it myself,

if it'll make you stop talking.

- Is that it?

- No.

It's not.

Oh, God.

What is that?

No, don't do it, Pat.

You don't have to smell it.

Pat. Okay.

- Hey.

- Hey, Carol.

That was yummy.

What're you doing?

Don't tell anybody else.

What?

Somebody's messing with me.

- Really?

- Yeah, in this office.

- No.

- Yeah. I got hit by a plane.

- What?

- A little paper plane came into my...

And all these messages

were coming to me on my computer.

Kind of...

- Flirty stuff.

- Flirty?

I know someone's playin'

some kind of a joke

and I think it's those guys

that are in the back over there

that did the fantasy football.

Oh, my God, those guys are so hot.

That would be so good.

They're young, too.

Do you think it's Henry?

- Henry?

- Yeah.

He's kind of...

Interesting.

He's married, isn't he?

Okay, let's just say it is somebody here.

What does the message say?

Like what are the details?

Well, somethin' about, you know...

What?

That they're a secret admirer.

They said they were...

I think that's kind of hot.

No, it's not. It's ridiculous.

And I don't like being the butt of a joke.

How do you know it's a joke?

I mean, how many times do we get

to get juiced up like this?

This is awesome.

I'm not getting juiced up over a joke.

You're getting attention.

I am super-jelly. I want attention.

You're impossible.

When was the last time

you had a relationship?

Well, my husband, of course.

No way.

Well, I mean, I went out on dates.

Come on. I've been to the movies.

- It's no wonder you're so cranky.

- I've been bowling...

- I'm not...

- Yeah, you need to get busy.

- You need to get your pipes cleaned.

- You think I'm...

You need to get f... Yeah.

Well, I won't tell anyone. Pinky swear.

What else? What else?

I did hear her say that

she felt neglected.

Sounds like they're banging already.

It's possible.

Don't ever get married, dude.

It f***ing sucks.

Really? I think it would

be kind of awesome.

Well, it's not.

Okay.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Okay.

I'm sick of walking.

Okay.

Is that what I think it is?

You know, I've been havin' this really

weird dream about Dad lately.

- Really?

- Yeah.

He's a teacher.

And...

We're in this classroom

with a whole bunch of kids,

and we all sit down.

And Dad asks everyone,

"What's the greatest day

in the history of the world?"

And one kid is like, "Christmas."

And Dad's like, "No."

And whenever they get

the answer wrong,

they have to leave the room.

And eventually it's just me and Dad.

And he looks at me and says,

"Pat, what's the greatest day

in the history of the world?"

And I don't know, 'cause I'm nervous.

And I'm like, "Dad, I don't know."

And he just looks at me

and he smiles and he says...

He says, "Today." He says, "Today."

How'd you know that?

He says, "Today is the greatest day

in the history of the world."

Yeah.

I have that dream, Pat.

Except in mine, it's me,

you and Dad in his car.

Okay.

I guess it's just something he said

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