Jeff, Who Lives at Home Page #4

to us when we were kids or somethin'.

It's like floatin' around

in both of our brains.

What is wrong with you?

- Pat.

- What? What?

What is wrong with you?

Why do you want to be like this?

- What are you talking about?

- We had... We were havin'...

We're having the same dream!

What the f*** are you talking about?

Why do you want to live like this?

You're drifting through this life with

no awareness of how special this is.

You want to talk about what's

happening right now, right here?

What's happening right now

is that I'm getting lectured

by my pothead brother

who lives in our mom's basement

at 30 years old

about how I don't

understand the universe!

Hey, here's some understanding for you.

A job and a car

and a wife and an apartment!

I got to go.

What?

- I have to go, Pat.

- Where are you going?

You know what? You wouldn't...

You would laugh at me again.

Jesus Christ.

You see a f***ing truck

with the word "Kevin" on it

and you have to run after it?

Yeah. I do.

I wish I was that stupid!

You're a dick!

You know what?

I have an a**hole for a brother.

It breaks my heart.

- F*** you!

- F*** you!

- You call me an a**hole?

- Yeah, you are an a**hole!

You f***ing piece of sh*t!

You drive a f***ing Boxster!

F*** you!

Don't do this, Pat!

F*** you!

You get down.

Get down on the f***ing ground!

F***ing idiot!

You and Mom will never understand me.

And you're all I have left!

Another Jack and Coke?

Nope.

Got to get home.

Old lady, huh?

No, she's boning another dude.

Right on.

Stop the car. Stop. Please, stop?

- Hi.

- Hello.

Hey, so, my sister and her husband

just got here a little while ago

in that red Camry out there. And...

I need to... I'm meeting them. So...

- Okay...

- Actually,

it's an emergency.

I have to get her medication,

like, right now,

so what's her room number?

We have a privacy policy, sir.

I'm sorry, I can't give you her number.

I know it's like policy and everything,

but this is a family emergency,

so maybe you could just

give me the room number...

It'll take me a second to call.

I lied. It's not an emergency.

It's not a health emergency.

It is a financial emergency.

Their home is about to be foreclosed on

and I need to make a payment.

- Just stop.

- Okay.

- You're embarrassing yourself.

- Right.

- Thank you.

- Excuse me?

No, just thank you so much.

Pat! Pat!

Oh, my God. Jeff.

- Oh, my God, Pat.

- What the f***?

I was on the truck.

The truck came here

and now you're here.

- This sh*t is aligned!

- Shut the f*** up.

- What?

- Linda is here,

in this hotel somewhere.

- With the guy?

- Yeah, probably with the guy.

Sorry.

How the f*** did you find me?

It was the candy man.

Oh, sh*t.

He's right there.

Okay, what should we do?

Duck in there.

I'm gigantic!

Come on, let's go.

What do you want to do?

Should we stay? Should we wait?

Do we just wait, or...

We could wait.

I don't know. I don't...

Should I call her?

Maybe I call her cell phone right now.

And then, like, act innocent

and be like, "What's going on?"

You could try that.

You know, you're not

f***ing helping at all.

You're just like,

"Do you want to do that?"

Do you want to know

what I think you should do?

Yeah.

I think you should take

a few deep breaths,

close your eyes,

and focus.

That is like stupid f***ing

Jeff mumbo-jumbo.

If you have any other idea, even one,

I'll be happy to try it

without making fun of you.

Okay, all right.

Okay. Close your eyes.

What do you see?

I just can't stop picturing

what's going on.

What if she's, like,

giving him a hand job?

You know, I think they're adults.

It's probably unlikely

she's giving him a hand job.

I'm gonna break down the door.

No. Pat.

I'm gonna break it down.

Listen. Wait, hold on.

That's a terrible idea.

I've seen you try to do things physically.

I'll do it.

Do you think you can do that?

I wish I could get

some sort of running start.

You totally can. There's, like, hallways.

You run and turn.

Parallel isn't gonna help me.

You could run

and turn right at the last second.

I wouldn't... No. That's not gonna work.

All right.

One,

two,

three!

F***!

- Run!

- What was that?

- Are you okay?

- F***!

Get up!

- Linda!

- Pat! What are you...

- Pat, don't... Pat, stop!

- What's going on?

- Steve, let him go!

- Either you're gonna calm down...

- Let him go! Jeff!

- Don't f***ing move!

- What are you doing?

- What the hell is going on?

- We just got here!

- Who are you people?

You, shut up! Who the f*** is this guy?

He's just a friend, okay? Calm down.

- There's wine!

- Yeah!

There's a bottle of wine on ice, and a...

What is this?

- That's a...

- A sex board?

No, you bring it with the... Pat!

And your face is flushed,

which means you're horny.

- No!

- What the f*** is going on?

Stop yelling and I'll answer

all of your questions.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

I'm ready to go home.

Linda, I think you should come with me.

Excuse me!

You should shut the f*** up!

I think that you should go

and I'll call you later.

You're not calling this f***ing guy.

Linda, do you want me to stay?

- I think you should go.

- You should go! You need to go!

I'm gonna stay and talk to Pat, okay?

Time for you to go, man.

- Get out, bro!

- All right, Pat.

Get out!

Okay. Start talking.

Is there anyone else in here?

Well, I'm a little upset, actually,

- and I think that it's understandable!

- I understand that.

Look, what I need to know...

I just need to know one thing, okay?

- Okay. What?

- Okay.

Are you mad because you came in here

and you found me with another man?

Yes.

- Yes.

- Or...

Or are you mad because

you're afraid that you might lose me?

What? There's like a part B now?

Please, don't do that.

It's just semantic bullshit!

- No, it isn't! It isn't!

- Yeah, it is!

- You really don't know the difference.

- You know what?

Because if you don't understand

the difference...

Linda! Linda.

I'm gonna try to listen to you

blabber about whatever this is.

And I'm gonna try to understand

your incoherent babble. Go.

- Why do you always do that?

- What?

- I'm listening.

- No, you're not.

Yeah, I'm trying.

You always just make me feel so stupid!

I'm sorry it's stupid!

I catch you trying to cheat on me and...

You make fun of everything I say.

I'm really just trying to have

a conversation with you right now.

This is why our relationship

is so f***ed.

Because you know what?

When I asked you

if you would take me to Cochon

you laughed at me.

Who care... I'm sorry. That's...

But when I asked Steve,

he just, you know, said, let's go.

Yeah, 'cause he wanted

to get in your pants!

Well, maybe, but at least he's trying

to put in some time and effort!

Let me tell you

something about Cochon.

- Cochon is full of a**holes...

- You're not even...

...and snobs in f***ing turquoise

tailored shirts and pink ties,

like that a**hole!

You want to ask me to take you there?

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