Jennifer’s Body

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Woman Narrating ]

Every day I get letters.

I think I get more letters

than Santa Claus, Zac Efron

and Dr. Phil combined.

I'm kinda the sh*t.

[ Women Shouting ]

Rec time started

five minutes ago, Needy.

Grassy-ass, Raymundo.

Sometimes, the letters are from people

who say they're praying for me.

They tell me everything will be okay

if I just acceptJesus Christ into my heart.

I say the words,

but nothing ever happens.

Nobody comes back.

Nobody gets offthe cross.

Welcome to the Mental Olympics.

They're big on recreation here.

Supposedly, it helps us

vent our aggressions.

Oh, yeah!

Personally, I think they're

trying to wear us out,

keep us sluggish

so there won't be an uprising.

Well, those J.V. tactics

won't work against me.

I'm a kicker.

K-I-C-K-E-R.

It even says so on my chart.

Just one Toast 'Em, huh?

I like Toast 'Ems.

Well, that's good.

But I'm not sure a Toast 'Em

can provide sufficient energy

during your day.

I recommend

more complex carbo—

- No, she didn't!

- I recommend you shut the f*** up!

- All right.

- [ Cheering ]

[ Woman Shouting ]

Don't touch me!

[ Screaming ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Panting ]

[ Narrating Continues ]

I wasn't always this cracked.

I used to be normal.

Well, as normal as any girl

under the influence ofteenage hormones.

But after the killings began,

I started to feel—

I don't know-

loose around the edges

or something.

♪♪ [ Speakers: Muzak ]

God!

I hate this f***ing song.

♪♪ [ Rock ]

This is where

it all went down.

"Devil's Kettle"

sounds twisted, I know,

but the place is just named

after a waterfall.

Technically,

it's not a normal waterfall.

It goes into this hole,

and it doesn't come out.

The scientist guys dropped

all kinds ofthings down there,

but nothing ever surfaces.

Maybe it's another dimension.

Or, you know, just really deep.

[ Man On TV ]

I'm working the back of my calves,

and I'm working my heart.

We're talkin' about butt.

We're talkin' about legs.

We're talking about

virtually no impact.

This should sell for 1 4.95.

Whole body calorie burning.

Whole body muscle toning. Everything.

Now what about upper body?

All right. We'll do upper body.

Chicken! We're working my butt.

We're working my abs.

We're working

the inside of my thighs.

Now, here's one

of our new movements.

I want you to see

the range of motion.

Just go to "Hurdle" or "Sprint."

Look at the sprint

that I have.

How many people

can get that range of motion?

Say I wanna do just my hip flexors

or my buttocks even more.

I do what's called digging.

Look at the range of motion.

I use this for

a lot of swimwear models.

Very, very, very important.

How 'bout Butt Squeeze?

Yup.

I see you wanted

to touch.

That's a good way-

Not this show!

Not touching this show—

[ Narrating Continues ]

Jennifer didn't always look this rough.

♪♪ [ Pop ]

Just two months ago, me, Jennifer

and my boyfriend, Chip,

were completely

normal people.

We were our yearbook pictures.

Nothing more, nothing less.

♪ One ♪

♪ I'm biting my tongue ♪

♪ Two ♪

♪ He's kissin' on you ♪

♪ Three ♪

♪ Oh, why can't you see ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪♪

[ Narrating Continues ]

There'sJennifer.

Only back then, we were tight.

Sisters, practically.

People found it hard to believe

that a babe like Jennifer...

would associate

with a dork like me.

Sandbox love never dies.

♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪

♪ You are the girl ♪

♪ That I've been dreaming of♪

You're totally

lesbi-gay.

What?

She's my best friend.

[ Mock Giggling ]

♪ Ever since

I was a little girl ♪

♪ One ♪

♪ I'm biting my tongue ♪

♪ Two ♪

♪ He's kissing on you ♪♪

Hey, Monistat.

What's up, Vagisil?

You and me

are going out tonight.

Uh, tonight. Why?

Because Low Shoulder

are playing at Melody Lane.

They're this indie rock band

from the city.

I saw their MySpace page,

and the lead singer's extra salty.

Plus, there'll be lots

of other salty morsels there for you.

Come on, Needy.

I promised Chip that I would

hang out with him tonight.

Boo. Cross out Needy.

What time is the show?

I'll pick you up at 8:30.

My mom has a date

with that guy who owns

the ham store.

He seems nice.

Wear something cute, okay?

Okay.

"Wear something cute"

meant something very specific

in Jennifer-speak.

It meant I couldn't look like a total zero,

but I couldn't upstage her either.

I could expose my stomach,

but never my cleavage.

Tits were her trademark.

Those jeans are hella low.

I can almost see your front butt.

It's a rock show.

This is my rock look.

Well, I can see, like,

your womb, so—

I've never even heard

of Low Shoulder.

Which one

is Jennifer stalking?

The lead singer.

Girls like her don't go out

with drummers.

- Thanks a lot.

- No offense.

She'd probably make an exception

ifyou were, like, a drummer

who's also the lead singer.

- Like Phil Collins.

- Who's Phil Collins?

Forget it.

He's seminal, but whatever.

Anyway, this singer guy,

Jennifer says he's extra salty, so-

Salty.

Salty means beautiful.

Well, then you must be

soy sauce, babe.

Jennifer's here.

How do you know?

Needy!

Quit tampooning yourself

and get down here.

That's f***ing weird.

Better hurry

before she gets annoyed.

[ Grunts ]

You always do whatJennifer

tells you to do.

No, I don't. It's just that I like

the same things that she likes.

We have stuff in common.

That's why we're biffs.

You guys don't have

anything in common.

Yeah. Okay, Chip.

Guess who's got the whip

until 1 1 :
30.

A 2003 Chrysler Sebring,

and it's all mine.

[ Giggles ]

Oh, hi, Chip.

[ Sniffs ]

It smells like Thai food in here.

- Have you guys been f***ing?

- You're gross.

- You're gross. You're gross.

- You're so gross.

F*** you.

Let's go to the club.

Melody Lane is not a club.

It's a bar.

It's not even a bar.

It's like a bingo hall

with taps.

Eat my ass, Chip.

You're justJell-O

'cause you're not invited.

I'm notJell-O.

That place is disgusting.

Everyone in there

has a mustache.

You're totallyJell-O.

You're lime-green Jell-O,

and you can't even admit it

to yourself.

[ Exhales ]

Stop kidnapping my girlfriend.

♪♪ [ Rock ]

You wish.

[ Needy Narrating ]

Chip was right.

Melody Lane is definitely not a club.

[ Pool Balls Clacking ]

Clubs are for attractive people

in populous urban areas.

Clubs have D.J.'s and champagne.

[ Man ]

As they come around the corner-

[ Needy Narrating ]

All we have is a jukebox

and a sticker toilet.

♪ You wanna fly

Don't want your feet on the ground ♪

- ♪ You stay up, you won't come down ♪

- [ Chattering ]

I cannot wait until I'm

old enough to get wasted.

Hey, Jennifer.

You look really pretty.

What up, Craig?

[ Laughs ]

He thinks he's cute enough for me.

And that's why he's in retard math.

Swing and miss.

Hey, it's Ahmet from India,

that foreign exchange guy.

I wonder if he's circumcised.

I always wanted

to try a sea cucumber.

Ew.

Jennifer Check.

Shouldn't poison yourself

with that sh*t.

Unless you want me

to arrest ya for possession.

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