Jerry Before Seinfeld

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1

[applause]

[Johnny Carson] My uh...

next guest is a young comedian

making his debut on The Tonight Show.

He is from New York City.

He's worked a lot of small clubs,

both in New York and Los Angeles.

Welcome him, please; Jerry Seinfeld.

[Jerry Seinfeld] In mid-70s New York,

there were only two places

you could even see new comedians.

A stand-up comedian

was just a novelty act.

They would have one

in front of a singer or a rock band,

and just to be that

was the most glorious dream of my life.

That's all I wanted.

And it's funny,

but I was actually sitting on a ledge

when I decided to make that leap,

right here.

And this is the exact spot.

["Inky Dinky Wang Dang Doo" playing]

Inky dinky wang dang doo

Whoo-hoo!

Baby, baby I love you

Inky dinky zigzag zoo

Oh, girl, I got my eyes on you

Inky dinky zing zang zoo

I want a kiss from your lips

Inky dinky ding dang doo...

You guys are a good group.

Are you ready for the show?

Yes? OK, good for you guys. Great.

He started here uh... as one of

the regulars here at The Comic Strip

back in the summer of 1976.

Let's welcome him back home.

Jerry Seinfeld!

[cheering and applause]

Zingy zangy zing zang zow

Sweet darling, and I've got to have

Your loving right now...

[cheering]

Are you kidding me?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Nice to be here.

I can't believe I'm back here.

This is really great. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

How do you like the jacket?

[cheering]

Yeah, this is my favorite jacket.

It's a special night

and I want to wear my special jacket,

because I'm back at the Comic Strip,

which is where I started

my entire career -

right here, on this stage.

[cheering]

And uh I'll tell you the whole story.

I'll tell you how it all happened.

I was living in Massapequa.

I'm born in Brooklyn.

That's my home borough.

And then my parents moved out

to Massapequa, which is an Indian name.

It means "by the mall."

[laughter]

Even the Native Americans could sense,

once the Jews

and the Italians get out here...

brick-and-mortar retail's going to crush.

Let's lose the teepees.

These people need parking.

[laughter and applause]

So we moved out from the city

to on Long Island.

You don't live in Long Island,

you live on Long Island.

When you live in the city,

people ask you, "Where do you live?"

you go, "We live in the city."

You don't live on the city.

[laughter]

But if you move out of the city...

You're in it now. Now if you go out,

you're going to be on the island.

[laughter]

Long Island's

not one of those places you...

You can't get in it. There's nothing...

There's nothing to get in.

You just stay on it.

[laughter]

My parents would say, "Jerry, we're going

to the city today, so get ready.

We're going in."

"We're going to get on the train."

We don't get in the train.

You get on the train,

even though you see trains,

there's nobody on it.

You never see anybody on top of a train.

But that's how you talk. If you want

to live here, this is how you talk.

"We're going to get on the train."

Why do you get on the train?

Why?

So you can get off it!

"Get off the train!

This is our stop!"

[laughter]

"We've got to get in the cab."

You don't get on the cab.

You were on the train,

but you don't get on the cab.

You get in the cab.

Why do you get in the cab?

So you can get out!

"You've got to get out of the...

We're here.

Get out of the cab. We're here."

"Why are you still in the cab?

Get out of the cab."

[laughter]

"OK, Jerry, what about Uber?

What do you do with Uber?"

That's the new thing.

Do you get in it? No.

On it? No.

Off it? No.

What do you do with Uber?

- [man] You grab it.

- [man] You get one.

No. No.

[woman] You just take it.

You take it! You take Uber!

[laughter]

Because there's no money!

It's, like, free.

I don't even know how it works.

Do we even pay for that?

[laughter]

I think it's just a free thing,

comes with the phone.

Any time you're just like...

Little cartoon cars,

they go wherever you want.

"How did you get here?"

"We took an Uber.

I don't know, we just..."

It's like M&Ms in a bowl,

you just take them.

Just take whatever you want.

[laughter]

And uh so I came here

and I auditioned on this stage,

and the little sign-up sheet is outside,

that I wrote with my little

"Jerry Seinfeld."

You know, it was just my parents' address,

and "type of act: comedian."

"Any special requirements? No."

[laughter]

And I only had one joke that worked...

[laughter]

which I'm going to do for you

right now.

And...

[cheering and applause]

If you ever think yourself

that you might want to someday do comedy,

this is not the way you do it.

Don't ever say,

"I'm going to tell you a joke now."

[laughter]

So, I'm left-handed.

Left-handed people do not like

that the word "left" is so often

associated with negative things.

Two left feet, left-handed compliment.

"What are we having for dinner?"

"Leftovers."

[laughter]

You go to a party, nobody's there.

"Where did everybody go?" "They left."

[laughter]

[applause]

That was it.

That was my first joke.

[cheering]

[laughs]

And it was a pretty good joke,

and uh they passed me on the audition,

and I started coming here

every single night.

So, I grew up in the '60s,

and I see a lot of beautiful

young people here tonight,

enjoying your life of uh...

infinite potential and opportunity.

[laughter]

Because you're young

and your life is still ahead of you,

and it's all going to happen.

Let me tell you little punks something!

[laughter and applause]

You didn't even have a childhood.

You had nothing!

[laughter]

You had garbage

compared to what we had in the '60s.

And you know why?

Your parents paid attention to you, OK?

They were interested in you.

My parents, our parents,

they didn't even know our names, OK?

They were ignorant, they were negligent,

they were checked-out.

We grew up like wild dogs in the '60s!

[laughter]

There was no nutrition.

Nothing... of knowledge of nutrition,

education, safety.

Can you even imagine

the world I am describing?

[laughter]

No helmets, no seat belts,

no restraints.

Anything came to a stop,

we just flew through the air.

[laughter and applause]

I was either eating 100% sugar,

or airborne.

[laughter]

That was my childhood.

My parents, they did not know

where my school was,

they did know what my grades were,

they didn't know where I was.

I was like a raccoon to my parents.

You know there's one around,

but no one's tracking

the actual whereabouts.

[laughter]

I would roll out of bed

and I would do a swan dive

into Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes,

Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops, Sugar Pops.

[laughter]

I'm getting a little light-headed right

now, actually, just thinking about it.

It was so amazing, and it was great -

we were getting away with murder!

Life cereal - that was ballsy, huh?

That's a ballsy name, I always thought.

"Life"!

"What are we going to call this?

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